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Original poster

DS had friend for tea-badly behaved WWYD

24 replies

SharonGless · 18/01/2012 22:03

DS is in year 1 and had friend for tea last night. His mum is absolutely lovely and I get on with her really well when we see each other. However her son's behaviour last night was not acceptable.

I have Dd who is 3 and this boy has a "thing" about not liking girls so came out of school saying rude things about her. Calmly told him not to say things like that etc etc. his behaviour for 2 and half hours was not what I find acceptable in my house.

Anyway mum text me today to say thanks for having him and hoped he wasn't badly behaved. Should I tell her the truth or just not ask him to come again? DS knows that I wasn't happy with his friend and not to ask if he can come for tea for a while.

When friend was collected Dad picked him up who I don't know very well so was non committal and just said he was over excited!

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Original poster

SharonGless · 18/01/2012 22:07

Behaviour included shouting OH GOD repeatedly at the dinner table which I asked him not to say. Kicking me whilst I was sitting on the floor to move me so he could watch Tv - no apology when asked him.

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cece · 18/01/2012 22:08

Depends.

I have friends who I would definitely tell if their DC misbehaved at my house. They would want to know and they act on that knowledge by telling their child off.

However, I often chicken out if I don't know the mum so well. I just don't ask them back Oh and I also tell my DC why I am not inviting them back. Just so they know to reign in any future friend's bad behaviour before I don't invite them back too. Sometimes my DC agree with me about not inviting them back! LOL

ScarlettIsWalking · 18/01/2012 22:09

I would want to know if my Son behaved in this way. I would tactfully tell her, but it's hard though.

I think she should be aware esp of the saying rude things about your daughter. That is not on.

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cece · 18/01/2012 22:09

Just read your second post.

OMG!

I would definitely say something! Kicking you???

HavePatience · 18/01/2012 22:10

If that were my ds, I'd want to know so I could talk firmly to him about it. I'd want to make sure he never acted like that again and would want him to have to work toward getting to go and play at a frend's house again.

WellBlowMeDown · 18/01/2012 22:13

Just tell her, she probably wants to know. But do it in a light hearted way, you get on well, it will be fine.

Original poster

SharonGless · 18/01/2012 22:15

That's my gut feeling as I would want to know to discuss how to behave at other peoples houses.
Am a feminist and the issue of how he spoke to my daughter really bugged me.

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Original poster

SharonGless · 18/01/2012 22:16

Thanks, will ring her tomorrow or ask if i can pop round.We both work so never meet at school

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Sam100 · 18/01/2012 22:42

Why don't you ask her to come with him next time. If he behaves when she is around then you will know he is just trying it on with you and you can let him know that this behaviour is unacceptable and you will tell his mother if he does it again at your house. If he behaves just as badly when she is around then it is down to the parenting he has grown up with and it is unlikely that anything you say will change this, so I would not raise it but then not invite them again.

exoticfruits · 18/01/2012 22:42

If it was my DC I would want to know. I would want the opportunity to put a stop to it e.g. next time he goes to a friend's house tell the mother to phone if his behaviour is poor and say it in front of DC and go and take him home. I couldn't do it if everyone pretends he was fine, but doesn't invite again, and I don't know.

Flyonthewindscreen · 19/01/2012 14:10

I would want to know also. However I think the moment to say something is when the child was being collected. It would make it into a bigger deal than it merits to have a special meeting with the mother I think. Having missed the moment I would probably take the coward's way out and not invite again!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2012 14:17

Personally, I think you've missed the chance. You should have said something at the time when it could have been dealt with quckly and briefly over the phone. If you call tomorrow or pop round it becomes a 'big deal' summit meeting. I'm as tough on visiting kids as I am on my own and they know it. No back-chat, rudeness or other bad behaviour is tolerated on the threat of 'shape yourself up or I'll be having a word with your mother when she comes to get you'.... I have never had to have words.

Littlemissnegative · 19/01/2012 14:49

I don't think it's too late, you'd rather talk to his mum who is your friend than his dad who you don't know well, that's fair enough in my opinion. I would maybe suggest she comes next time but then go on to explain why in as tactful a way as possible but don't make excuses for him. If that was my DS I'd certainly want to know, and he'd be in for a world of trouble if he'd behaved like that, not that he would of course! I suspect he must act like that at home in which case it won't do any harm to tell the truth, if your friend realises her DS's behaviour may prevent him from making or keeping friends then she might do something about it. Good luck and do report back!

Original poster

SharonGless · 19/01/2012 21:48

I spoke to her and she was glad that I had. They are having problems with him which school Are aware of but also problems at home with his behaviour. We had really good chat about at and I said that he could come at the weekend with her. She is at the end of her tether which I didn't realize.

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exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 22:13

Well done-I expect she is pleased to be able to talk about it.

4madboys · 19/01/2012 22:22

well done for talking to her and great that you are inviting her round with her ds, if she is at the end of her tether it will be nice for her to have someone to vent to!

i would want a parent to tell me if a child had been a pita, equally i prob would mention it if a child had been naughty at mine, well if it is a good friend anway, its tricky tbh but as i would want to know i feel that i then have a responsibilty to tell other parents iyswim?

Molehillmountain · 20/01/2012 00:23

You did the right thing. She will have suspected anyway and been grateful to have some chance to put it right.

Original poster

SharonGless · 20/01/2012 23:44

Thanks everyone, I was dreading talking to her but can't put my finger on why. I think it is the sisterhood aspect for me and not wanting to criticize another woman about her parenting, not that I was but implied iyswim.

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MentalMuslimMummy · 21/01/2012 23:17

was in a similar situation a while back and didnt realise my friend had depression and other issues which meant disciplining her ds wasnt a priority for a while. great that you spoke to your friend. I was pretty blunt with mine and would just tell him off if he came over our flat being naughty, she was fine with which was good.

rubyhorse · 21/01/2012 23:28

Well done you. It's about redemption, too. If you don't mention and just don't invite back, the kid (and their parent) doesn't get a chance to redeem themselves from an episode of bad behaviour. And by bringing it up, you've got the opportunity to help with a wider problem. Well worth doing all round - good call.

MCos · 22/01/2012 00:45

I have got some negative feedback re DD1 playdates. It was not expected, I probably went 'oooh' (shocked) at the time. But have watched for and discussed this behavior with DD1 since. Kids don't behave same as home when out. While I knew this, I always expected they would behave BETTER out than at home. Seems not. Was an eye opened for me.
Morale of the story - let the other parents know. You may not get expected response if behavior is a surprise to the parnets, but you will probably be thanked in the long run.

totallypearshaped · 22/01/2012 01:01

You don't owe this other parent anything - you do have your own kids to look after.

Just don't invite this little charmer back in future, and tell your DS why.

If your DS wants to have a playdate with this chap again, then tell your DS that he has to tell his pal the rules, and that his pal is on his last chance - no kicking, no names, and apologising are just the start of it.

If you want to bring it up with the other parent - I'd ask if this little chap was ill as he seemed out of sorts, kicking, badmouthing and being surly, not apologising - say you're reluctant to have him over again if he continues to behave in this way if he wasn't ill.
Also you can do some research and ask other parents if they find this chap a nightmare as well. Does he have 'form'? Contextualise the behaviour: then decide.

MCos · 22/01/2012 01:51

Forgot to add, I take approach of 'my house, my rules' with all DC visitors. Most will have similar rules at home, and be pushing the limits. DD1 is 10, and some of her friends still try push the boundaries further than they can at home.

In the early days of play dates, I put up with stuff that I should have addressed. Now I am experienced, and very quick to go 'Oooii - Stop that!' or 'That is not how we do it in this house'.

Assert yourself, don't put up with bad behavious - it will make all the difference to your sanity.

Original poster

SharonGless · 22/01/2012 22:54

Cheers for responses. I did challenge his behaviour quite robustly, my two were looking at him open mouthed!

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