How do/did you and your OH share duties with a newborn?

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OH works FT, Mon-Fri. LO is one month old, Formula Fed and generally pretty good. She has settled herself into a good little routine, feeding every 3 or 4 hours during the day and usually 4 hours between feeds at night. Im still on Mat Leave, so with LO during the day, and am pretty shattered by the time DH gets home. I cook tea (because I want it hot and at a certain time, if it was left to DH it'd be cold and at about 9.30 at night).

He ususally does the 11pm feed, but we are both still awake then, then he sleeps, and I do any settling/feeds during the night. If LO wakes for her feed after 6, he gets her up, feeds her changes etc and settles her back for a nap at 7.30, putting her back in our bedroom (so I get a good sleep btwn 6-7.30).

What I am struggling with is the short bursts of sleep, and would love some uninterupted sleep, where I am also 'off the clock' so to speak. DH sleeps so soundly that he would only hear LO when she is crying...he doesnt hear her grizzling due to wind, or wimpering for a dummy etc etc. Therefore I respond to that. Fair enough week nights, with him working, but even at weekends.

Last night I started to feel pretty cross, as we both went to bed at 9 (after I said I needed an early night, and DH deciding he would too), but knew LO would wake by 11 for food. DH said he would get some sleep before the feed, and wake for her feed, but yet again, its up to me to be responsive to her unsettledness. Ideally, I'd have liked to go to sleep at 9, knowing I didnt have to wake at all until 2/3am, but I couldnt. I suggested me doing the 11pm feed, and DH doing the 2/3 feed, but he didnt want to do this. In the end, he said "ill feed her now so I can sleep now" at 10pm. This then meant he could sleep 10pm-6am....however, as LO wasnt really that hungry, she didnt take a full feed, it then resulted in two night wakings (1am and 5am) for me to handle, and LO was asleep when he woke at 6, so was able to get himself ready for work etc and have some baby-free time.

Im so, so sorry this is long, and thanks for getting this far....

Ive come to bed now, nearly 8pm, and left him in the lounge with LO, but asked if I could, and lounge is only next door, so can hear everything....I feel really guilty, but honestly, just need a bit of time where I am not responsible for the LO.

How do/did you and your OH split these things, did you feel guilty for expecting OH to do more....is he doing enough, and I need to buck my ideas up?

Help!

Tbh I can understand how you feel but I just did the nights myself as I was bf.

Now at 8 months, Dh is doing all the waking at night to wean her off night feeding. He finds it tough and I always wake up before he does when she cries, but he does get up.

I think everyones different and if youd like more hours asleep ask him specifically for that, maybe for one night one weekend, then extend if it works?

My DH is a heavy sleeper so no use for the nights because I'd wake first anyway.

The way we did it was to make sure I went to bed early and then I would do all night feeds. DH would take over from when he woke up6/7am until he went to work. I would always nap when baby napped.

At weekends I would always get a lie in for as long as I needed (DH would never wake me up).

YANBU!
I used to do the week and DH used to do the week ends. We thought that was fair enough. Occasionally, at the week end I'd go out with some friends and leave LO with DH.
Maybe you could leave DH to it and sleep in the spare room for a full night's sleep. Give your DH some time to tune into your baby and maybe he will be more alert to her noises and react accordingly. And also allow him to do things his own way, as in, he might not jump in as quickly as you do! (my DH certainly doesn't!)

While ive been in here MNing, ive left them to it, and theres been some crying (LO not him ) but I didnt go in...he needs to learn how to settle her, and she needs to learn to be settled by him.

Just before this post, I went in to do the bottles, and suggested ways that he could settle her, but have left him to try them if he wants. I was sorely tempted to go out at 7.30 saturday morning and text to say id be back at 5.30 (his hours out of the house) but I think it would really tick him off.

I have spoken to him this evening about the possibility of two nights a week where he will keep LO in the Lounge until her late feed, so I can get from 8.30ish in bed, and hopefully not need to wake until 2am ish.

Thanks for readig the novel, and for taking the time to post back.

The main thing for me was his rush to the bottle whenever she is unsettled...usually she wants a cuddle or a bit of a chit chat but he'll just revert to the bottle...this has meant sometimes her taking as little as an ounce, as she's not hungry, then snacking for hours. As I know she can comfortably go a few hours between feeds, it gets frustrating, and I want him to find other ways of settling her, as more often than not, shes not actually hungry

She's only a month old...snacking is the normal way for her to feed. If you were breastfeeding she would be cluster feeding at this age (on the boob for literally hours at a stretch at times). An ounce is quite a lot of milk when your stomach is the size of a walnut! I would be inclined to always offer food at this age before anything else (cuddling her at the same time of course) so I'm with your DH on that one I'm afraid

I used to go to bed 8-12 in the evening while dp had dd (he would generally bring her up for a feed at some point then take her back downstairs) then I did the nightshift and early morning. Dd rarely napped, but if she did I slept. At the weekends we took turns (and still take turns now) to have a lie-in.

It's very hard in the early days. I found that after a couple of months I adapted remarkably well to the disturbed sleep pattern. It will get better. It certainly could be a lot worse than the sleep pattern you've described. If you can get five and a half hours sleep twice a week I think that's really good for a month old baby (it's rare I get that stretch now and my dd's 8 months).

Try to be kind to your dp. I used to get a bit resentful of mine as he was getting more sleep than me but still complaining of being tired. The reality is that you're both as tired as you've ever been before, and need to get through it together.

My DS is 12 weeks and I'm still struggling with the same thing as you, trying to get a pattern where both of us will get enough sleep. The best thing I've found is I sleep 5/6-9pm when DP home from work, then he sleeps until 5am so I can go back to bed until 7am when he goes to work. It's not ideal and we're both still very tired and hardly get to see each other, but it does work for now. When it's our time to sleep we do it upstairs with ear plugs in, took me ages to be able to relax thinking about DS and DP downstairs, and I could still hear DS through the ear plugs and all the walls, but eventually I got there. You will too, it's still early days, and that sounds like a great idea having him keep your DD downstairs in the evening.
I do often feel resentful that he gets more sleep than me but at weekends it's my time to sleep for 8 hours and have a glass of wine. You have to put your foot down and get some time off at the weekends for your own sanity.
I can also relate to being frustrated with the way DP does things, like your OH, always reaching for the bottle so DS ends up being sick or not getting him to wind-down early enough so he's overtired and cross. We're still getting there but DP is learning and getting to know DS better and better so is more aware of his needs. Give your OH lots of time on his own with your DD (proper alone time where you are not there and not avaliable) and he'll learn quickly. Do you have a routine? Could you write it out and pin it up so he knows what he needs to do when?

DD2 is only a week old so we're new at this but what's working for us so far is DH has her downstairs while I try to sleep from 8-midnight. Then I do overnights and he takes her for a couple of hours in the morning. The morning bit is obviously only while he's off and will go when he's back next week.

Like I say, early days but you do need to try to find a block of time that's yours even if it means no evenings together. It's not forever.

It is hard. You are doing better than most with having that long between feeds at night.

Are you getting a nap in the day?

ds is 11 weeks now and since dp went back to work i have always done the nights by myself. he was brilliant for the 1st 2 weeks but now i appreciate he needs to be awake and able to concentrate at work, whereas i can mooch around in my pjs all day. dp has work at 5.30am and so goes to bed very early. i have never managed to sleep in the early evenings but i quite often have some quiet time in the afternoon where i doze and ds either does the same or luckily for me will lie in his basket and watch the tv fascinated by the lights and colours. because dp starts so early i dont get a lie-in either. im very lucky and ds now sleeps from 10-6 most nights, yours sounds like mine, doing the 4hour stretches early on so fingers crossed your lo will be the same.

the biggest issue we had was that ds doesnt see dp as much as me so i find he settles easier with me. there was a few weeks where dp would struggle and i didnt no whether to step in and rescue him (risking him thinking i thought he couldnt cope) or leave him to it so he could learn (risking him getting stressed out and thinking i didnt care). once i learnt to read his signals and him mine it all got so much easier

oh and dp cooks most nights

I don't know if this will help with sleep, but it might help you feel more supported. Before DD was born, DH and I made an agreement that whenever he was home, all nappy changes were his responsibility. This way he had something to do that was his and it gave me a few minutes respite knowing there was one baby thing that I didn't need to do. No reason why you couldn't introduce this now if you felt your DH would be willing.

DC were BF, but they would also take an expressed bottle. On Friday nights, I would go to bed in the spare room, after a feed at say 10pm, and sleep through till morning, DH did all night feeds with a bottle. Gave me one night of blissful uninterrupted sleep (and boobs so full I could express off loads and feed DC at the same time!) a week, and he had Sat and Sun nights to catch up agian befoer work on MOnday.

He also took DC from any time after 5.30am (after first bf), until he had to go out to work (say 8 am) every weekday morning, giving me at least an hour and a half of sleep and often the chance of a shower. Really helped me!

I also recommend sleeping when DC naps, and investing in a slow cooker so you can prep a meal earlier in the day and not have to worrry later.

I think you are a bit unreasonable to expect your DH to do night feeds if he is working full time in the day. But, certainly you could ask him to do the evening ones whilst you go to bed early or help out more in the weekend.

Why don't you sleep in the day when your baby sleeps?

But what you describe doesn't sound that bad. At the risk of sounding patronising, you do get used to broken nights, you know.

"Why don't you sleep in the day when your baby sleeps?"

• I think I managed that about 3 times ever, just couldn't switch off enough.

You will probably get used to the broken sleep, but its hard.
I do basically all baby care, as ds is breastfed and DH works long hours and is a deep sleeper. DH does cook tea though.

When DS was that little I did all the breastfeeding and DH did virtually everything else.

Try going to bed earlier. It means your evenings with your DP will be a bit short but it won't be forever and it'll be worth it to get your sleep.

Glad someone else is struggling to nap during the day, alwaysawake, I find I can't switch off either, and also LO has a pretty big nap after lunch and I prefer to use that time to go out for some fresh air with her and pop to someones for a cuppa and a bit of conversation.

I will have to go to bed earlier in the evening, even just a couple of times a week.

tryharder I dont expect, nor have ever asked DH to do the night feeds - he usually does the 11pm one before he goes to bed, and the 6/7am one when he gets up for work. At the risk of sounding patronising, this is not an AIBU thread...

Thanks MNers

I think I read somewhere that the 'worst' time to wake up is about midnight. It is when you're in the deepest sleep. I always found that the toughest.

Both DSs were breastfed, so I did all the night feeds. But at weekends, DH was good for letting me nap in the daytime and taking the lead a bit more as and where he could.

I think the month time is hard. The initial euphoria has worn out and exhaustion kicks in. Do what you can sleep wise - daytime naps, earlier to bed at night, whatever you can to get you through. This won't go on forever, but sleep when your LO sleeps, it really does help. Congrats by the way!

Lack of sleep is sooo hard. I still remember 7 years later.
It does get easier. Hopefully in the next few weeks, when your baby will start sleeping more though the night.

However, I bf and did all night feeds for the first 7 months. And DH slept in separate in bedroom to guarantee sufficient sleep to function well at work next day. (Which I felt was only right. I could nap during the day, he couldn't).

I agree with prior posters who recommend getting naps during the day whenever you can. Also consider bringing baby into bed with you after the 'hardest' night feed. Often helps baby sleep longer until next feed.

Take heart - it does get much easier, and hopefully sometime soon.