How should I respond? (tale-telling)

[crapistan]

Twice in the last couple of weeks, a child has come up to me (a different kid on each occasion) at school pick-up time to tell me that one of my dcs had been "mean to them". What is the correct reponse to this? I assume something happened earlier in the day, when I obviously was not there to see. I don't want to turn it into a big deal if it was a minor thing.

When my own dcs do this on each other, I usually try to ignore it unless I actually saw what happened, or tell them that I'm sure they can sort it out. Somehow it seems different with other people's dcs, or should I just do the same? On both occasions I just said "oh" and the kids walked away.

I was quite surprised at their confidence - I would not have dared to do that as a child!

I think "oh" is a good response - some children are a real pain for trying to get others into trouble, and it's best not to let them stir it up! If they seem determined to keep on, or look actually upset, I'd maybe ask if they told the teacher at the time, or suggest you all go see the teacher now. That way you can hear the full version of events, which will probably not match up too well with the original complaint!

Thanks, I like the idea of asking if they told a teacher. Will remember that.

Would not say my dcs are blameless, but the girl in particular who told me my dd(5) was being mean can be seen almost every day saying the same thing to different mothers! She seems to enjoy the victim role, which is part of the reason I didn't want to make it into a big deal.

I did ask my other dd(10) why the boy who came up was saying she had been mean (he's younger, about 7 maybe), and she did say she told him to be quiet because he kept running up and shouting in her face at playtime. If tha's true then understandable!

I think as long as you keep in mind that there will be two sides to every story - and that your own children aren't either angels or devils - then it makes it easier to stay calm and not get pulled into these things. In general, I always took the view that if it happened in school time then the school would know about it and have dealt with it. Or that it was just part of the playground "give and take" that they have to sort out for themselves.

As you say, some children will always make themselves out to be the victim, in many cases they probably even believe it - they can have very selective memories, and at 5 only a sketchy idea that other people's feelings even exist, so their view of things that happen can be very one-sided!

I had this recently, first time I was a bit shocked so just said 'oh', second time I told the child it wasn't nice to tell tales, which is what I would say to my own child.

That's what I tell my own dcs too, but I wasn't sure if I should say that to another child. Doesn't help that all the school gate mums are watching and waiting to hear what I will say.