How to avoid a spoilt brat

[Natzer]

My dd is 9 months old, an only child and will only ever be an only child!

We both adore her obviously, does anyone have an tips for me to avoid her being a spoilt brat.

Any experiences?

Have firm boundaries, lead by example and learn to say no!

Just say no!

but not just yet.. just enjoy those baby snuggles because they grow up so fast

It is possible to bring up an only child as a happy well balanced person. I have seven years between my two children. There are plenty of spoilt children who have siblings.

The important thing is for children to learn to share, take turns and be considerate of other people's feelings. When your child is older you can invite other children round to develop your child's social skills. Nursery helps as well.

When your child gets to school age then get her to do some chores around the house.

The fact you are thinking about this means that you are a caring parent. I am sure that your baby will grow up to be fine.

I'm an only child and certainly not a spolit brat.

Your DD is so young, there is no way you can spoil her now. Just enjoy her as she is.

As others have said, saying no helps. As she grows up, perhaps try and teach her the value of money and that she is unable to get everything she wants.

Learn to say no, but also remember that no isn't the default answer to every request.

Only children don't all grow up to be spoiled brats

Ditch the stereotypes and enjoy your child for what she is

Get her used to playing with other children and taking turns and sharing.
Don't automatically let her win at games.
Take her around toy shops and pet shops just to look, with no intention of buying, just discuss and don't buy.
Don't cook her special meals, just eat the same. If she doesn't like it don't do alternatives.
Get her to write thank you letters.
Get her helping around the house, tidying up, helping in the kitchen.
Mean what you say and always follow it up-be consistent.
Don't let her butt in when others are talking-wait until they have finished.
Read lots of books and discuss, encourage empathy.

You need to ditch the negative opinion you hold of only children or your child will pick up on it.

Agree with both TheFoosa and LanceCorporalBoiledEgg, I'm an only child and i'm not a spoilt brat!. I'm VERY giving and generous and when I was a child I was always the one who would share whereas quite often the kids with siblings were selfish, it's a misconception, sure there are only children who meet this criteria but I know of a lot that have siblings that do also. I want just the 1 child and will never want people saying this!. We're alright!!!! . Just treat her as you would if she had siblings!!-bet she's a sweetie!!

It goes without saying that you need to do all my list with any child! They stand just as much chance of being spoiled brats if they have siblings!

Sorry, I really didn't mean that all only children are spoilt brats. It's more that me and DH are likely to spoil her as we are the type to. But want to avoid it causing problems.
Thanks for the tips

exoticfruits has a really good list there.

I'd also add reading up about 'tantrums' and behaviour so you know how to deal with them in an age appropriate manner. In the early years we find they are best dealt with, with a hug and understanding, and an 'it's okay to be upset', but then not giving in to whatever has led to the melt down either.

I do understand your concern. My DD is an only child plus only grandchild, plus youngest grandchild on the other side, and she is absolutely spoiled with material goods and with love. We don't, however, allow her to behave inappropriately, so when we go out she doesn't act like a typical 'spoiled brat'.

To be quite honest, most of the children who would fit the 'spoiled brat' definition aren't only children, they're children whose parents can't be bothered to pay their children any attention other than to shout/swear at them, or cannot be bothered to ensure their children don't interfere with the enjoyment/pleasure of others.

I think you can 'spoil them' (ie treat them) with things like a trip to the park, spending lots of time with them, without actually spoiling them if that makes any sense.

As others have said, it's about not being afraid to say 'no', making sure she understands that she has to do her bit around the house, and the world doesn't revolve around her! You can still have lovely days out and buy her nice things, just not every nice thing she demands!

Buying them things is fine, as long as it isn't expected and they are quite happy to just look.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. When you say something, mean it. When you threaten a consequence, follow through. Stay consistent in your behaviour, and remain predictable.

If you follow a path, you have to stay the course, no matter how long it takes and how hard it is.

An example! 2 years ago, DH and I spent two and a half hours of our Christmas Day sat at the table with DS after lunch because he refused to try one mouthful of turkey, one mouthful of roast potato, a slice of carrot and one pea. This is what we'd whittled his plate down to after flat refusal to eat, because we believe that he should try everything once. If he doesn't like it and he's had it before, fair enough (although we still try to "encourage" him to have another go ). However, we were not prepared to throw away an entire plate of food that his grandmother had made without him even trying it.

So once we decided that, we had to stick to it. And it took 2 and a half hours before DS gave in and tried it (roast dinners are now his favourite, incidentally).

Had we given in to the wailing and tantrums after 2 hours and said, "right, we've had enough, we can't be bothered with this", then DS would know for the future that all he needs to do is kick up enough of a stink and after a while we'll give in to him.

Not the precedent we wanted to set!

I know some of this sounds harsh, but when it's balanced with tonnes of love and cuddles and kisses and words of appreciation and praise, then I think it works. And after struggling through for the last couple of years (with MANY times when we found ourselves pulling our hair out and screaming "WHY DO WE BOTHER???????), it's now starting to pay dividends.

Obviously I'm not proclaiming to be some sort of expert, and let me tell you that DS still has his moments, but as a whole it's worked well for us - not just as a preventative method for spoiling, but just as a general approach to raising a child/children.

I caught myself with dc1, if you know what I mean. We were shopping, and he saw something he wanted and expected me to buy it (he was only about 2.5). It made me realise that I was materially spoiling him. I didn't really think about it till then. If he wanted something I thought he'd enjoy, I'd get him it. I had to stop myself then, if I'd carried on itwouldn't have done him any favours in the future.

I did try to do all the other things right though (I hope!) Sharing, being polite, considering others etc. not so he wouldn't be spoilt, just because that's the way people should be, even my own children.

I've got 3 now, so it's all gone to pot anyway, in just trying my best and hoping none of them turn into serial killers! hopefully if they do, at least they'll be sorry and apologise .

The fact that you're even thinking about it, I'm absolutely sure your dd will be fine .

As an aside, I'd also make sure that your DD gets good quality time with other kids in terms of learning how to behave around others. She'll benefit from learning social norms even at the young age she is now, but in terms of fostering friendships and creating bonds with other kids, that tends only to happen developmentally at around 2.5-3yo.

If either you or your DP are a SAHM, then keep an eye out at this time - when it becomes apparent that she's getting bored being at home with just one adult for company, that's probably the time to look at getting her a nursery place, even if it's just for a few hours a day, a couple of times a week. She will benefit so much from being around the other kids, and also from a different environment that's tailored to aid her development.

Obviously if you are both working then she'll be in child care earlier, so above point moot!

DH is an only child - MIL is disabled and could only have one - and is about as far from spoiled as you can get. In fact, he is the most domesticated, generous, unselfish and helpful man I've ever known, or heard of.

I think this was because he always had to help others. There was no choice. He helped care for his Mum and his granddad (who lived in a flat next door).

Obviously they had particular set of circumstances - but it has really struck me how if helping others has been part of your life from the earliest stages then it sticks with you. I hope we can have children one day and if we do, I'll try really hard to instil that same sense that they are all part of a community/family where no-one is special or beyond helping out, but everyone helps each other...

sounds hippyish and obviously I don't have children yet, so it might all come crashing down when reality strikes

Sorry, that should have read "SAHP".

Make sure that you don't treat her as if she is a princess and you and DH her servants!

Even if she doesn't have to compete with other children for time/money/attention, you can still show her that everyone has feelings and needs, and that what she wants isn't always going to be top of the priority list. While she's still a baby, of course her needs are pretty much always top of the list, but you need to gradually move away from that, same as any parent does.

The risk with an only is that you can forget to do that - if there isn't a new baby with loud demands, then you can carry on treating an only (or the youngest) as the "baby" of the family long after it's healthy.

So as she gets bigger, she needs to help around the house, help you with the shopping, be involved in family life and not just a passenger.

She also needs to learn that she can't always get immediate attention - if you are on the phone, or talking to DH, she can wait till you're done before showing you the picture she's just drawn. Not to be nasty, but because waiting shows that you value other people's wants too.

And learning to share and take turns and cope with not always winning - but pre-school and other groups with children will give her practice at those.

Thank you all, DH is an only child and the most generous and kind person I know.

It just got me thinking because I keep buying her things! And she has started having a few tantrums I.e. If she has something and I take it off her for whatever reason she starts screaming, I have been very careful not to give it back and she calms down after a moment or 2. Am just aware that it may start to get more challenging as she gets older.

Depending on her personality, it's better to put up with some screaming in the early years so that boundaries and good (mostly!) behaviour are in place for later on. Of course she might be the world's most compliant child, in which case lucky you.

I am an only child. I wasn't spoilt, we didn't have money for lots of material things anyway, and my parents were/are very big on manners, sharing, taking turns etc. However, I did get a LOT of attention, and was never really expected to go off and amuse myself. Obviously that's good in a way, but it didn't teach me to occupy myself, which is an important skill to learn imo. When I had DD1 I thought I had to entertain her all of the time, because that's what my parents did. Two more dcs later and I realise the value, for everyone, of having times when Mummy needs peace and quiet and the living room is out of bounds for the next 30 minutes.

Not really relevant to your question, but all the attention I received did feel almost like a pressure at times. Sometimes kids need to be left alone!