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Original poster

DS started Pre-School recently - left him today SCREAMING for me not to leave him - any advice

33 replies

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 10:03

Ds (2.9) had his first proper week of pre-school last week. Just before Christmas he had one morning trial and then last Tues & Thurs were his first 'proper' mornings.

First day (trial day)- he walked into class, sat on the floor with the other children before I could even get his coat off, this was great as the little girl I have (childminder) was very anxious and was in the class next door so I was able to comfort her without worrying about ds.

Last week he was a little less eager to get in but was ok on the Tuesday, on the Thursday he didn't want to go at all but eventually was ok when I spent 15 mins in there with him.

Well, dropped him off this morning, were late due to traffic (was a problem) so took 45 mins instead of 10 mins so he had time to insist even more that he didn't want to go. When we finally arrived he said he didn't want to go but once we were walking, he seemed ok. He rang the bell to be let in and then he wouldn't go in. I had to pick him up whilst the lady held the door open as he was letting all the cold in.

I didn't want to leave him as he starting crying saying he didn't want me to go, but the lady said it's best to just leave him and they'll deal with him. He was SCREAMING "Mummy, don't leave me" as I walked off and I had to ignore it. The mother in me wanted to just take him home but as a childminder, I know that if a mindee cries for their mum, they are absolutely fine as soon as they have left. This is why I left him.

I've been in tears since - should I have left him? Is this normal for them to get so anxious?

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Clayhead · 17/01/2006 10:05

My dd started at 2.9 - she screamed when left for 3 weeks (but was OK after I had gone).

From week 4 on she was desperate to go there! It was definitely worth doing and I say that as a completely mardy clingy type parent!

I feel for you, good luck

sparklymieow · 17/01/2006 10:05

He will be fine, phone them up if you are worried, I bet he is playing nicely and they will say he calmed down within minutes

Original poster

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 10:11

Thanks for making me feel better - aren't I stupid eh! I wanted him to start school so that he'd not be so clingy as recently, he's not liked me not being there iyswim I'm sure this has been the best move for him, just hurts leaving him that way. Doesn't help that he was told off on Thursday for being naughty and not saying sorry!! Let's hope he has a good day today!

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gladbag · 17/01/2006 10:19

Hellybelly - it's so grim isn't it.

I've taught in Nursery and Reception for a good few years, and I know from experience that most children, despite being very upset, will quickly calm down and enjoy themselves, especially if mum promises to come back then says a quick, firm goodbye. I've got exasperated with mums who hang about and make things worse, and I've promised countless times that I'll ring in 15 minutes if their child is still distressed .

So you'd think that I'd find leaving my own child a relative breeze? Yeah, right. I never understood how heartbreaking it is to leave a crying child. I sobbed all the way home the first time I had to do it. But, I know ds is fine, I know he'll stop crying within minutes, I know he enjoys nursery, I know they'll ring me if he's not ok. It's still hard.

Make sure the nursery know it upsets you, but that you agree that a quick goodbye is best. Make sure that they know to ring you if he really doesn't settle. And good luck. I'm sure he'll be fine.

(And incidentally, I've known children cry hysterically for mum, then literally stop within 10 seconds and get on very happily, every morning, for weeks and weeks. Sometimes I think it's just a coping mechanism HTH)

Original poster

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 10:23

Thanks for that! Being a childminder I do completely understand that for the carers, it's much easier for me to leave them to it. Just breaks my heart

Had a nice cup of tea whilst reading your replies and feel much better now! I'm now going to try and work on my other business whilst I have no children (this is what I'm supposed to be doing - not mumsnetting but I needed to calm down!)

Thanks again

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rummum · 17/01/2006 10:23

It really breaks your heart doesn't it...

I work in a pre-school and if a child cries I always suggest to the parent that they ring about 10/15 later to put their mind at rest that their child has settled, like you say "they are absolutely fine as soon as they have left"

Has he a keyworker that could keep him busy? We have keyworkers that do observations on the children... we get to know the children well and generally look out for them...

Original poster

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 10:24

will check that when I go in to pick them up as I'd feel better if I knew there was one lady out of the 3 who was keeping an extra eye on him!

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Furball · 17/01/2006 10:58

I used to say 'mummys just going off to do the tidying up at home and will be back soon to pick you up. You stay here and have lots of fun playing with all the toys'

Ds didn't really get upset, but I think knowing that you will be comming back might settle him more.

FrannytheQuinoaEater · 17/01/2006 11:02

Personally I would leave it until he is a bit older, but maybe you don't have that choice. I do actually vividly remember myself being left at playgroup and not wanting my mum to go - this probably has a lot to do with my opinion about it!

I feel for you Helly, but you'll be able to go and get him soon.

Original poster

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 11:10

Furball - from the start I've been saying I'm off to get xyz from the shop and then I'll be back etc. He was fine at the start as he was soooo excited about going to school. Hopefully he'll be ok again when he gets used to it.

FrannytheQuinoaEater - I did toy with the idea of leaving it but I really feel he needs this because he can be like this when I just pop out when daddies home Just think we need to have odd breaks from each other. I'm sure he'll be fine, it's got to be done at some point!

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wannaBe1974 · 17/01/2006 12:03

My DS was exactly the same - I put him into nursery for two mornings a week when he was 2.7. I did it for his social benefit as felt he would benefit from going to socialize with other children away from me - he was quite a clingy child. He would scream "I want my mummy", and when I picked him up, although he was perfectly happy he would say to me when I asked what he'd done "I cried". I learned quite quickly though that the longer I stayed, the more he cried, so I just used to drop him off, say "bye bye darling, mummy will be back soon", and walk away. Now he doesn't cry at all and he's at preschool as well now.

As for those who said leave it till much later, I read somewhere that it is at age 3 that children start to develop the skills they need to form friendships, and children who are not allowed to socialize independently with other children at this age often find it difficult to make friends, even into adult life. I don't go by everything I read, but I personally didn't go to preschool/nursery, and to this day I find it very difficult to make friends, so wanted to ensure that my DS had every possible chance.

ssd · 17/01/2006 12:06

Helly, my ds was exactly the same, and like you I'm a childminder and have seen it before.

But it's awful when it's yours and I cried too!

Honestly you'll have to grit your teeth, he'll calm down eventually. It's just heartbreaking in the meanwhile, I've got ds2 starting this August and I know I and him will have to go through it all over again!

ssd x x x

FrannytheQuinoaEater · 17/01/2006 12:11

Wannabe, I wouldn't advise leaving it until much later, but leaving it until he seems ready makes sense to me. I am not convinced you can make people more independent by leaving them if they are not at the stage where they can cope with it.

Helly, I know where you are with needing that break from him! My ds is the same age and I have just arranged with a friend to swop children every week or so, so that she will have both for an afternoon, and then a few days later I will take my turn. Time apart can be very positive for both of you, I agree.

Clayhead · 17/01/2006 12:26

HellyBelly, hope the rest of your morning went well!

wannaBe1974 · 17/01/2006 12:29

But how do we determine if a child is ready. If a 2.9 year old seems enthusiastic about the prospect of going to nursery to play with other children, that might indicate that they are ready to go off and socialize with others without a parent? Most kids cry for a couple of weeks when first put into nursery/pre school, does that mean that most children aren't ready? considering that most of them stop crying within minutes, it would indicate that most of them are just testing the waters, and adjusting to this new time in their lives. If we left it till they were school age, it is likely that they would cry at the school gates - but we wouldn't take them out of school because of it.

I think that as long as a child has positive experiences at nursery/preschool, then we are not doing them any harm by sending them there at age 2.5/3 years old. I don't necessarily think I would send my child to nursery any younger than that though.

From my own experience I didn't go to nursery or preschool, and then at age 5 I was sent to boarding school, suddenly being with my parents 24/7 to being sent away, and expected to be able to make friends with lots of children I'd never met before, and with no mummy to drop me off every day and pick me up again at the end of the day. I know that given the choice I would have loved to go and play with other kids before this happened to me.

Enid · 17/01/2006 12:44

well dd1 screamed for three weeks at 2.5 and I took her out

she cried at 3 but i persisted. She was sad everytime I left her (playschool) and she never really enjoyed it tbh so I only ever took her two mornings a week.

she is 6 now and loves school and very sociable.

Enid · 17/01/2006 12:45

personally if my child cried for three weeks I would take them out, no question

FrannytheQuinoaEater · 17/01/2006 12:50

Wannabe, I think your own experience was very extreme and unfortunate. Personally I do think if they cry then they are not ready, yes. I think generally we send them to nursery and to school too young. I don't see why we have to be pushing them all the time to do things before they are ready and willing to do them for themselves.

Enid · 17/01/2006 12:51

agree with Franny (not with the quinoa though)

harpsichordcarrier · 17/01/2006 12:55

I agree with franny too
if a small child is consistently distressed then that is a pretty good that they are not happy imho
(dd1 started preschool last week and was fine. this morning she was distressed - tired and (I think) coming down with something. you have to use your judgment as a parent

harpsichordcarrier · 17/01/2006 12:55

pretty good indicator

FrannytheQuinoaEater · 17/01/2006 12:57

LOL Enid. It is all or nothing I'm afraid, if you can't agree with me on the quinoa then sling your hook.

wannaBe1974 · 17/01/2006 13:33

I think that there is a difference though between genuine distress and crying because a child is attached to mummy and is suddenly being thrown into a situation where mummy doesn't stay. If my DS had been genuinely upset, then of course I would not put him through it, but although he cried wen I left him, he always stopped crying within minutes, and when I picked him up, although he told me he had cried, he'd always had a ball and always was very happy. He never clung to me and begged me to stay, he did say he wanted to go home a couple of times and a couple of times I did go and get him because he was upset, but he now loves going and is happy to wave good-bye to me when I leave.

I realize that there are some who think that 3 is too young to leave a child, but there is a lot of evidence to suggest that it is good for them, and yet there is a lot of evidence to suggest that children who are put into full-time nursery when they are babies and left there until they are 5 become institutionalized as a result, and yet a lot of mothers who need to work do this, and genuinely feel their children are no worse off as a result. And no not trying to open the SAHM vs working mum debate, but at the end of the day it comes down to personal opinion.

Original poster

HellyBelly · 17/01/2006 13:42

Well he had a GREAT time by the sounds of it. Big smiles when I picked him up and HE told me he only cried a little after I left (he later said he didn't like it and cried lots but he was sort of smurking - the little monkey ). He's been telling me what he did and said he wants to go back but no doubt he'll cry again when I leave .

Anyway, I'm much happier now. Thanks to those who helped me feel better this morning

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Enid · 17/01/2006 13:43

wannabe sorry I disagree - it doesnt come down to personal opinion it comes down to the individual child some can cope and some can't

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