Using physical force on toddlers (:()

[DitaVonCheese]

DD is 3 and a bit. A couple of times I have used physical force against her, not in the sense of smacking etc, but just using the fact I am stronger than her to force her to do something. Eg this evening I was putting cream on her bottom as she's had a rash for bloody years, so this is now a fairly strong steroid cream or something like that to try to knock it on the head; anyway, she wiped it off with her hand so I then had to drag her to the bathroom and hold her hands under the tap while she struggled so I could wash it off as the dr put the fear of god into me about how strong it is and how sparingly I should use it etc.

Now clearly I feel like shit.

Also had an incident the other day when she wound me up so much that I attempted the naughty step for the first time ever but had to physically hold her on it. Argh.

I am fairly sure that this was the way that I was parented so this is what I revert to when frustrated and not thinking clearly, but there must be a better way, right?

Well, if it's for her own good, what options do you have? There are times when you can't reason with them. What would you do if she was about to run out into the road? My DD, 20 months, sometimes doesn't want me to clean her bottom, and I have to hold her feet up quite firmly, but needs must.

Mind you, I also subject her to the ultimate torture of me singing at to her- she has learnt that its best to comply to make me stop sooner

the fact that you recognise that you shouldnt have done it means that you will try harder not to get in that situation with her again.

none of us have all the answers. we have all muddled along occasionally doing something that we regretted, and tried to awoid it the next time round.

good luck

Don't beat yourself up about it. Using force is fine - you just have to try not to do it in anger or in an aggressive way. You are simply making them do as they are told. I have 3 boys getting bigger and bigger that still need putting in line occasionally - I can assure that none have them have grown up to be violent or aggressive!! I think most of us will have been brought up with a clip round the ear or two - didn't do us any harm! The 'new' way of parenting is all very nice and for sure a better way, but ultimately they need to know who has the upper hand.

Using force is not the same as inflicting pain. I have definitely restrained my DD (aged 3) to stop her running into the road, trailing poo on the carpet, sticking her fingers up the cat's bum and them into ther mouth, that sort of thing. I have also physically removed/restrained her in extreme public tantrum situations by tucking her under my arm and walking off.

I already find I have to physically restrain my 10 mo DS during nappy changes as he absolutely hates them and tries to make a break for it, with pretty disasterous consequences when he's been eating lentils...

I have never and can't imagine that I would ever, smack or therwise physically hurt either of them. For me it is similar to the difference between telling them off and screaming in their face, only more so. Restraining is not hurting or frightening, you don't need to feel guilty about this

Nice.
So you're perfect then xx??

OP ignore that post above, have reported.

It might be an idea to have a plan of how to deal with a situation like that - it stops you feeling out of control if you have in your head a plan of what to do if x doesnt work, their are various methods some people agree on some and others dont. Its about what you feel comfortable with and what works for you.

I agree that force is not the same as inflicting pain. DH grabs to restrain and has smacked. I don't like it but we agreed that restraining without pain is the best way to stop them hurting themselves.

xxcozxx , your post is ridiculous in light of the fact that the child in question is 3. I somehow doubt you are a parent. It is always best to pre-empt a situation rather than have to react to it, but sometimes that isn't possible.
Restraint without hurt is one of the many tools that parents use to prevent harm coming to their child, so OP I would have done what you did over the cream incident.
Not the naughty step though.
3 is a very tough age, mostly not open to reasoned argument when they are annoyed or otherwise upset.

Don't hold her on the naughty step - that gives her 3 minutes of your undivided attention! Put her on it, explain, set timer for 3 minutes and walk away. If she gets off, put her back (no talking or eye contact) and restart timer. You may have to do that many several times but eventually she will cave and stay there for 3 minutes.

Give yourself a break Dita. I have also reported xx thread. It is sometimes necessary to restrain children - fact. During messy nappy changes, while walking near busy roads, preventing them from hurting themselves mid-tantrum...

title of this thread sounds far worse than the content. anyone with a toddler knows they have to be held down sometimes to get their nappy on off / not get poo everywhere etc. holding them still is not the same as hitting them, I've never put the two in the same bracket, so don't worry about it. The examples you've given sound like you're being a good parent and helping your child who is still too young to know better.

I don't think you've done anything wrong theres a big difference between using force to intimidate and punish and using force to protect from harm i.e. holding down for nappy changes etc.
I always try to give 18 month DD notice of anything we are doing so she can do things in her own time and feel like she has some control. Despite this I still sometimes have to change DD's nappy against her will and all though she makes a fuss she forgets about it the second I'm finished.

With regards to the steriod cream incident next time it happens can you fill a bowl of water and put it on the floor and let her wash her own hands so she feels more in control of the situation?

You have to use physical force occasionally with toddlers. They're that winning combination of 'very strong and wriggly' and 'completely irrational'. The human equivalent of an over-enthusiastic labrador. If I hadn't physically restrained mine I don't think he would have ever successfully worn shoes or had clean hair.

Don't feel guilty.

Which consequence was worse - the discomfort of the child having their hand washed or the misuse of the medecine? If the answer is the use of restraint, then you did the right thing imo

I don't think you should feel bad, I frightened 1 year old Ds who was crawling round the kitchen the other day when I knocked over a stack of three glasses smashing them.
I saw him pick up a piece of glass with his fist and start to put it towards his mouth, I flew over to him, scooped him up and knocked it out his hand with such a force he was really upset for ages, which made me feel awful but obviously the consequences of not doing this would be far worse.

Take a tip from the legislation surrounding the use of restraint in schools and residential settings: it must be reasonable, proportionate, and necessary.

In other words, if a small child is running into a busy road, you are justified in grabbing him by the hood and yanking him back. If he's lunging for a packet of sweets in a shop, you're not.

Sounds like you know the difference.

Thanks xx, that made me laugh. Fortunately I'm better at parenting than you are at trolling

Thanks everyone else for the constructive comments. You are right of course that force does not necessarily = pain - I think it felt worse because I knew I was angry and heading towards being out of control, so I need to work on that. I was certainly smacked as a child and I think battered a couple of times, so I am just wary of the whole area I think :(

I was never smacked as a child and my friends weren't either, but I never heard of a parent who felt any compunction about lifting a toddler out of trouble or otherwise using gentle force to get their way. So I didn't feel any compunction either; it seemed such a natural thing. But I realise how much of that attitude is because as a young child I trusted the adults around me not to lose control or overstep the boundaries.

So I can understand how your own past makes you wary, OP. It must be very difficult to deal with your own memories at the same time as administering discipline to your lo. But you seem to be doing very well.

You have to sometimes. Everything from teethbrushing to stopping them charging off.

FWIW I use less force with my 5yo than I do my 3yo. My 5yo is (usually) pretty sensible.

If I didn't use physical force on my 3 year old DS he would never get dressed, have his hair brushed, get into bed, the list goes on. He wriggles out of everything and everything becomes a game of catch the 3 year old!

If I didn't use some physical force when we are out and about he would most definitely be dead or else confined to a pushchair. You were looking after your child's welfare, just be glad you washed the cream off before she ate it!

I have to use physical force or the world would bend to my DDs whims.

I'm not particularly strong as I have RA and pain issues, but when my DD is throwing herself to the floor saying she will not hold my hand or go to the car, what else am I to do but hold onto her hand tightly and walk her to the car. And if she does floppy legs I put my other hand under her armpit and hold her up and continue to walk her. I stick her under my arm if she is tantrumming at bedtime and take her to bed. I'd hold her hands and drag her to wash them if she had potentially harmful medicine or chemicals on them.

I once lifted my screaming son (aged five) and carried him home from the shop and put him in his room, how I managed it I don't know, but I don't think using our size to keep them from hurting themselves and from ruling the roost with bad behaviour isn't bad if we don't hurt them. It's hurting a child that is wrong.