Sister's jibes at stay at home mum.

[HouseworkProcrastinator]

Currently I am a stay at home mum with two children. Their dad works. Mi have a sister who is a mother of one and works full time, her child attends a private nursery. My issue is she is constantly making little snide comments about me not working.

Things like she would hate to be reliant on her husband for money like I am or have to ask him for things.

Or if I say I am busy she sniggers and says you don't do anything tho.

Heaven forbid I mention that I am tired because she has to get up earlyer and she had to go to work and still come home and do the housework that I have all day to do.

I do think it is hard for her to go to work, there is a lot of organisation in getting to work and a child to nursery and doing a full days work I am not taking this away from her in the slightest i also envy her sometimes because she gets to do something other than wipe bums and clean squashed bannana off a sofa and can talk to real adults all day but on the flip side staying at home is not an easy ride and it doesn't make me any less of a person.
I used to have a semi professional job before having children, I also read books, do courses and even watch complicated documentaries :) but to her I am just a ditsy home maker now.

It sounds to me like she's jealous. It IS tough trying to juggle full-time work, childcare and domestic tasks (does her DH not help at all in that department?) of course it is. She would probably rather have far less on her plate and spend more time enjoying her children. What you describe smacks of her compensating for her stress (and probable guilt) by denigrating your own family's choice.

You are not any less of a person. Try and ignore her comments if you can.

Her husband works as well but I don't think he is quick to put a pinny on and get stuck in at home.

Sisters can be the worst for undermining you.

Hard to ignore if she keeps it up all the time, but if you challenge her about it don't be surprised if she makes out that she was only teasing you, implies you are paranoid, or claims this as evidence that you, too, feel that your choice is a poor one.

After years of putting up with all sorts of dismissive rubbish from one of my sisters I now just say, "Oh, shut up!" when she starts - there's just no point in arguing.

Either tell her straight out to shut up and stop being so rude or go on about how much you would hate to have other people minding your children. Even point to all the stories in the newspapers where children have been abused by the nursery workers. Tell her that you feel so sorry for how guilty she must feel for leaving her child at the mercy of others and how awful it must be to have no time for them and to be missing out on so much while they are so young. Make her feel worse than she is trying to make you feel.

People like this are bullies and they only target those who they believe won't 'hit' back. Bully her back, harder, very unlikely you'll have to do it more than a few times for her to relocate her manners permanently.

Then you can be nice again

I am not one for confrontation which is probably the reason why my sister and I are actually still talking, not just on this issue but everything. :)
I think she probably does feel a little guilty about her daughter being in childcare but many parents have to do this not through choice.

Forgot to mention one of the comments that really winds me up is...
"I couldn't stay at home like you, It would drive me crazy, I need to use my brain"

I honestly think she believes I have it very easy, and I am not going to moan about my life because I enjoy it and it is very rewarding most of the time but some days I would swap a screaming toddler and stroppy child for a desk and computer easily.

The best response, which will take the wind completely out of her sales:

"I know, great isn't it?"

Agh, sails, sails!

I know exactly how you feel - I've been a SAHM for 3 1/2 years now and it will never cease to amaze me how often I feel I have to justify my/our choice, how heated the SAHM/WOHM debate can get and how many people seem to think they can make derogatory comments about it. After all this time I was still shocked to hear my mum say a few weeks ago: "you haven't done anything, have you?".

I try hard to let comments like that and the general debate wash over me. It's either a case of guilt (not with children all day or not earning) or the grass is always greener, but both sides will always put a good case. To be fair, before I had kids I thought my SIL with 2 at home had an easy life, so I know some comments come from genuine ignorance!!

I don't blame you one little bit for being annoyed, because you feel your job isn't valued and you are made to feel, by some, that you should be 'grateful' because you are so 'lucky'. Trouble is, there is no right answer to this debate because there isn't an easy option. Being a parent is hard - that's it really.

I think others are right, she has conflicted feelings about working and is doing this to make herself feel better. Doesn't make it right.

I wouldn't descend to her level and criticise her choices. Instead, I would calmly call her on it each time. With comments like.

'That sounded rather cruel/rude, did you mean it to?' (the Mumsnet classic).

'There are good things and bad things about being a SAHM. Just like being a working mum.'

'It sounds like you're struggling a bit. Would you like some help from me?'

'You do sound stressed. Are things getting on top of you?'

And don't sound too interested in the answers. Try and deal with her as you would with an overstretched, argumentative toddler (i am sure you have plenty of experience there!)

I would go for BranchingOut's response.

She is simply doing this to make herself feel better about her own choices. Many people's self esteem is based on putting other people down, and you are an easy target for her unfortunately.

You are exactly right when you say 'it doesn't make me any less of a person' . SAHMs are valuable to the family and to society.

"I couldn't stay at home like you, It would drive me crazy, I need to use my brain"

that is a very rude comment, and I would tell her not to be so rude. And it's not true either - there are plenty of jobs where people barely use their brains, and plenty of ways you do use your brain as a SAHM.

I like redridingwolf's response too. Particularly the 'And don't sound too interested in the answers.' passive aggression at it's best!

I'm seeing nothing but the green eyed monster in your sister!
We all make choices, and what's right and good for one isn't for another.

My sister and I both work part time (for the same organisation-she's in a senior management role whereas mine is operational). My choice suits me ( I gave up a management role) for the ability to be able to walk away from my desk at the end of a shift, and I'd not have it any other way, but she loves to remind me how important her job is. It's water of a duck's back to me.

I work full time and there is a part of me that is envious of sahm, but I am aware enough that I know it is a choice I make to benefit mine and dd lifestyle, if I wanted to stay at home I am sure I could accommodate that.

And so could she, with changes to their standard of living, so this jealousy thing doesn't really cut it for me, making yourself feel better by denigrating other is immature and she needs to piss right off.

Or at least that's what I would say... Don't let anyone belittle what you do.

Thanks everyone... :) I know there is no right or wrong choice and sometimes there is no choice at all. But yeah this is right for me. And I have just decided it would be selfish for me to get a job anyway because there are so many people out of work that need it more than me. So in a way I am doing the economy a favor. :) hehehe

And.... At least while she is in work she can go to the toilet by herself. Don't think I have had a wee without an audience for 5 years! :)

Branchingout's suggestion - spot on.

No need to say it nastily. Just say that you know you are very lucky, and you do so love it, but of course it is not a walk in the path.

If you respond like this, in a non-confrontational manner, she will soon stop saying it as she is clearly not antagonising you (which is her goal)

Have you heard of non-violent communication? This is a way of opening up a discussion without getting into a fight. You work with the feelings that you have but separate them from what you've observed, and what you have thought about it. So here, you might say, 'I said I was tired and you laughed. I'm upset because I'm thinking to myself that you mustn't value the effort that I put into looking after my family.' You then be really clear about your needs. 'I need to feel like the work that I'm doing has value even though - or especially because - I'm not getting paid to do it.'

I'm NOT an expert on the process - I'd recommend looking it up on Amazon and getting a book - but I have used it really successfully during some incendiary moments with my DP (we are talking make-or-break conversations about the relationships). It felt a bit awkward, because I had to really think (esp. in regard to not confusing my feelings for my thoughts and taking responsibility for them and also speaking in a non-judgemental way). I found it the way to greater intimacy and trust between my partner and I and couldn't believe that that opportunity had come out of a really divisive issue. Only I had read the book and only I was practising the principles at that time but it was brilliant. If you want to discuss this with your sister without the rift between you becoming bigger then I'd really recommend it.

I know exactly what you mean. I am a SAHM with one daughter (15months) I have people saying 'oh I couldn't just do that, I need to use my brain more' or ''I'd go crazy if I was only at home' with the implication that I am somehow less of a person because I have chosen to do this.

I think some of it is how I take it though. I'm sure they probably don't mean it how it sounds! One of the people who says it the most is my sister. We only works two days and loves what she does and I really don't think she's jealous at all. She has been known to say 'well obviously it's alright for you but I'd need an adult conversation and to really use my brain' ...what does she mean it's alright for me?!?!

Noteaforme - My sister says that too... " alright for you..." drives me mad!
It can be a little mundane staying at home if you do just that. But I do do other things, I do comunity learning courses and have done some open university and I plan on doing some more challenging stuff when both in school but I truly believe she thinks I sit and watch Jeremy Kyle all day... When in fact I'm more of a wright stuff fan :) hehehe.

I have not heard of non violent comunication but I remember doing some training course when in work ( when I used to use my brain ) and part of that was telling people how something made you feel rather than accusing them insinuating it. People can't argue with your own feelings. Is this the same sort of thing?

When she says that she needs to use her brain, hence goes out to work, you could try giving her a very understanding smile and say that you realise where her priorities lay. I have been a SAHM and WOHM and the former was much, much harder, even though it brought more satisfaction. She might be so unkind because she envies the fulfilment you experience from staying at home. Anyway, these are precious years, don't let her spoil them.

You have lots of choices. Personally I can't decide between the nice "we all make choices, and every choice involves some sacrifice" or the passive aggressive "I so envy you. What with working full time it must be lovely to be able to split the housework with your DH."

I think the main thing for you though is to work out WHY she is getting to you like this. She is picking up on something, whether it is frustration at not being able to do more challenging courses yet or whether she is very, very jealous. Work out the dynamic and you can take away it's power.

She is jealous - and trying to justify her decision to work by undermining your decision not to work. Rise above it you are doing the most important job in the world.

You know, I really really hate the "I need to use my brain" thing, because it makes no sense. DD doesn't speak yet, but she does get upset and it isn't always apparent what's upsetting her. So, how do I comfort her? I use my brain to figure out the problem and solve it. I'm using a different part of my brain than a WOHM, but I'm still using it.

Agree with everyone else about BranchingOut's response.

Agree she is envious and has sour grapes - both emotions i can identify with tbh. Having said that, i do my envying in private and never hold it against my sister. She's a great mum and a fantastic sister too (she had her DD 18 months before i had my DS and she's been a constant support and advice-giver). If i had the money she did i would probably choose to be a SAHM too (or work part-time which i consider the best of both worlds). We made different choices based on our different lives - neither is the 'right' way, but i do envy her sometimes.

I do think the whole....I need to use my brain is just defensive bollocks to cover for the fact that the person actually prefers being at work to being with their child and can,t actually say that as it is a bit taboo.
Generally happy sahm actually enjoy being with their kids and I think that is where the rub is....it makes people feel very uncomfortable....people attack like that through insecurity.
We wll know there are many jobs where brain use is minimal and less engaging to watching and facilitating the development of a little human.
The truth is some people are shocked to discover they find being part of someone else,s development boring......and thank goodness they return to work and let someone who enjoys their child put their work into raising them.although we all know that is not the case all the time at nurseries...it is just a job for most staff.