Hi,
I have been depressed for over two years now and feel like it won't end. My greatest problem now is how it has affected my family. Wish I was single with no kids 
I have tried anti-depressants,counselling,exercise,Homestart-was very isolated,5-HTP,friendship groups,toddler groups and volunteering. I also did some courses-parenting and adult learning courses,all in my bid to have a normal life. I have made mistakes-trying to make people like and accept me and my family,trying to act in a 'more acceptable' way and the worst is controlling my DCs so that they can be accepted and have normal social lives. I didn't draw the line/boundaries. Now I have lost all my natural parenting instincts. I do not know what is right or wrong anymore and even how and/or when to comfort my DCs. I am forever yelling and hitting and controlling and criticizing my eldest. She cannot disagree with me,so that worries me that she won't have a mind of her own. If she tries to be someone else, I criticise her for not being herself. I know I should cut her some slack,but I am not in control anymore.
I have tried to reach out to people around,but those who knew me before I got depressed say, 'oh,you are over-reacting. You are so lovely with children', 'everyone shouts every now and then', 'I have seen your parenting'. What will it take for them to believe me
I had a difficult childhood,but I sincerely do not think that's why this is happening to me. I was alright when I just had my children until something snapped and I have been trying to get out of it. Every morning I cry and cry before getting up,overwhelmed with guilt and hopelessness and I promise myself I'd be a better,more nurturing and patient mum,but all my DCs have to do is whinge or complain about something I have done and I begin to yell again. I teach them to take criticism with maturity and I am like a child myself when criticized by them,especially eldest. I sometimes feel I am trying to reparent myself though them. I hate it when they put themselves down and that is what I have always done.
I went to our GP when my eldest started saying things like 'no one likes me', 'I feel like nothing', 'people never like me' and we/I have been seeing a psycho-therapist. On first session,I encouraged DD to tell the truth about her feelings and she told the therapist how much my words hurt her. The therapist started to talk to me and DCs were playing very nicely(they are lovely children,I am just such an ingrate) and the therapist complimented them for sitting nicely for an hour,entertaining themselves and said they didn't have any issues. I know my DD has possible attachment issues as she is very insecure. Don't blame her,of course. She was bullied at school and it just seems children don't like her. Don't know what the problem was at first,but now I suspect it is her insecurity and neediness that's unattractive. Think that is the same problem I have. The few friends I have tried to have criticise my daughter(she is very loud and 'bubbly'-over-compensates her shyness). I hate them for not liking my daughter. That was what led to this whole problem and now I can't get out of it.
Honestly don't know what I am looking for here. Maybe a speck of hope,anything at all for me to hold on to