Lost it with ds8 this morning and feel like i've let him and me down

[thekingfisher]

I had a major meltdown this morning in the car - ds was reading - its always a really difficult thing to get don and ds was knackered last night so I said he could do it in the car this morning. He always rallies against doing his reading but its one of his weakest areas and so have to really keep on top of it with him. Anyway after massive huffing and puffing and negotiating about 'how many pages am I going to do' he finally started.

He was reading very poorly and just making words up and making no attempt to understand the story - ie just reading the words out... so I stopped him a few times to get him to work out what a word actually said and then to read the sentence out so it made sense...

I was doing this so calmly and trying to get him to understand WHAT he was reading in context of the story.

Anyhow we got to a bit where he didnt pause for the full stop so the sentence essentially made no sense, so I asked him to stop and to go back to the start of the paparagraph...long and the short of it he started answering back about what the start of the para was and what it actually said with me trying to explain what I wanted him to think about ( ie the punctuation and how it changed the meaning of the sentence) anyhow he just kept on going on and on and on and I just totally flipped.

I screamed at him to stop just stop, I swore, pulled the car over and told him I'd had enough of the constant battle and the constant answering back.

he was in tears - I was totally out of order in the way I handled it and feel totally shit now - I can't even help him with his reading.

Its like he just puts up this massive wall and aims to make it as difficult as possible for me to help him...

I feel like he is only goin to remember me for shouting at him...
I do just lose it sometimes - very often with his reading as I get so frustrated at his lack of cooperation and interest.

Anyhow I feel ashamed and don't even feel like I can tell anyone in rl as it was so awful.

We all lose it sometimes. Talk to him about it this evening. Say you are sorry for getting angry. Explain what was frustrating you. Say you can see he finds reading tricky and you want to find ways to help him. Explain that any new skill is difficult unless you practice it and then suddenly it seems easy. Talk to him about what he finds tricky and see if that gives any insight.

And lay off making him do it - I know from experience that doesn't help. Try and read with him a lot, make it fun, read things he likes (not school books). Show him how you are reading and where the punctuation makes a difference. Maybe use lots of picture books - old favourites that you used to read to him.

He will get there - he needs to believe he can do it and get his confidence.

Thankyou for not flaming me

• I know what I need to do... I need to back off but its sooooooooooo hard and its become such a flashpoint for me...

We have tried lots of strategies..his reading is not awful at all but he just hates it and now it is starting to cause small issues in other areas of his work. I let him chose how many pages he reads..but am of the little and often brigade and I do really think he wouldnt read at all if given half the chance.

If it is any consolation - my ds was like that - didn't really get how to read at until midway through year 3. He is now 10.5 and reads without prompting for an hour or more before sleeping most nights.

If it is relevant to him he will learn to love reading. If not, he will learn enough to enable him to do the things he wants to do.

I have another DS (9 this week) - doesn't like reading books but spends a lot of time googlling things and reading stuff he finds (eg wiki pages about lighthouses).

Have you spoken to his teacher about it?
My friend was having a similar problem with her 8 yr old son soshe went to talk to the teacher & she said to back right off & they'd deal with it at school
So the TA spent 10 minutes listening to him read in class it at lunchtime
He also had a meltdown about doing projects and homework and the teacher said don't force him to do it, we'll ask him why he hasn't done it
It really helped change his attitude to doing it and the arguments became less and less

Trying to get him to read in the car before school isn't a good idea really if it's stressful
Would he be any better reading to his dad at night?

School have said he is Ok but to keep on at home - he does read with a TA 1 or 2 a week and they are supposed to do soem quiet reading independently about 2-3 times per week but often when I check he 's apparently read 30 pages in 1/2 hr and finished the book but doesn't know the ending!

Not a great arrangement but I agree its better if someone else reads with him rather than me.... DH not about during the week as he's home too late so is generally me!

great post throckenholt. I so agree - we all lose it . OP it is to your credit that you feel ashamed and are considering what you can do about it. Obviously I am not recommending losing it but there IS a positive side to it too. This is a chance to model for your DS what to do when one does lose it with someone one loves, and for him to see that blow-ups and horrible shouting dont mean that families dont love each other, or that things cant be fixed.

HTH

Yes the reading in the car thing isnt great and I used it this morning as a tool for last night as ds was so tried. As ds often uses it as a baragining tool in the evening to avoid doing that night I thought a double bluff approach would work ( it often does) but clearly back fired dreadfully this morning.

Will have a long chat tonight to talk about how I (badly) handled it - but to also talk through how he talks to me....

tks

We all loose it sometimes, its hard work being a parent. Its not always easy to fit everything in either before bed...I sometimes leave reading until after breakfast, but then if we've got up late then it goes out the window. My ds HATES maths and getting him to do it creates so many arguments, its untrue. Its a real battle ground (he's in y2). Don't beat yourself up, tomorrow is another day.

How did the chat go?