If you have a toddler and a baby how much help do you have/would you like?

[Mackrelmint]

(Posted this in Chat as well, as couldn't work out which Childcare category it sat under, but probably better here!)

DC2 is due in April, when DD will be 21mo and I am trying to work out what to do about childcare and help. Would really love your thoughts please...

At the moment I work PT and DD is in nursery 3 days a week. I don't want to keep her in whole days as it seems such a long day when I could be with her, but thinking a few mornings might be good to have some 'quiet' time with baby. But then also considering mother's help to take DD out or hold baby whilst I play with DD/shower/make lunch/whatever, also to help with light day to day housework. We have a cleaner once a week so big cleaning jobs will get done.

I get full pay for first 6 months of maternity leave so not too tight on finances. We don't have family nearby to help out, and I don't know any other mums in the area yet who I could share watching children time with to free up some time for other stuff.

I really can't remember what it's like having a tiny baby and can't work out what it is reasonable to expect I will and won't be able to do!...

I know every situation is individual but would appreciate any thoughts you have on what works for you/things to think about. thanks

hi there
I was in same type situation as yours (ds and dd now 2 and 4 )
For the first 6 weeks I kept ds full time in creche - i lived across the road so was able to get him early or half day if i had had a good night etc, but it was a godsend when i d had an all nighter and mastitis or was feeling wrecked or needed to catch up on house stuff....
Also i had a cleaner one day a week for 2 hours (I had spd in preg and couldnt do floors etc).. really could have done with her more often or for longer hours tbh
After 6 weeks I kept ds in creche 3 mornings a week - to keep continuity for him as he would return there when i went back to work. And also he loved it ... it was lovely for him to have a bit of his own space and friends that the baby didnt feature in, I had planned on dropping the mornings to one a week but i ended up keeping it at 2-3 per week and it worked well for us. Was nice to have time alone with the new baby or have time to catch up on everything else. Or i used cook dinner in the morning when he was gone then be free to give ds lots of attention when i picked him up.
A stretchy sling saved my life (dd slept in it)
as did a double buggy - meant i could get walks in and they would nap (bliss)
good luck

More. More help (collapses)

Thanks dwarf - I had been thinking three mornings a week sounded a good balance so good to know that worked for you. At the moment dd's nursery is on the way to work so 40mins from home so need to find somewhere closer - a shame to move her now she is settled and happy but that commute is notgoing to happen with a baby!

Haven't looked at double buggies yet but have been meaning to.

Jette - that's what I feared!

I have a 9w old and a 23m old. My PIL take DD1 every Tuesday and it is a godsend, my favourite day of the week (I feel guilty at how much I love Tuesdays ). When she is 2, in a few weeks, she will start at nursery 2 afternoons a week (and i will lose my cleaner ) and i think then I'll have the balance right.

to me the biggest help from what you have mentioned would be getting to know some mums in the area, rather than nursery or whatever else, cos everything is easier if you have suport around you - providing the local mums are nice and you find you fit in with them etc.. then that just makes everything easier and you could keep your dd1 with you, saving the nursery fee, saving the chance to spend more time together, saving you having to do nursery drop offs 40 min away or having to change nurseries..
what i would do is this - definitely have a look about the double buggy!! and then i would keep dd1 off with you but if you feel it would help to have her in nursery for couple of days or she seems to be missing nursery then i would think of putting her back in, but you may well be fine just having her with you as you could take her to activities instead, together with the baby

I have a DS 3.11 and DD 15 months. DS was 4 days in nursery and I kept him in that routine till DD was 2 months old and I dropped down to 3 days. I preferred days as it meant I could have sleeps during the day as she wasn't a good sleeper and we were feeding every 2 hours. Etcetc.

I had a sling which was great. Didnt get a double buggy as DS walked everywhere (he was 2.7 when she was born).

Had a cleaner 1x a week too. No family around. Dh came home at 7.30 every night.

Hi MM

I'm interested in replies as in a similar situation. My DC2 is due in May and DS will be 2 1/2 ...

I also work PT with DS in nursery 3 days a week. He also does long days but I could switch to school days (9-3) or half days if needed. I'm just not sure how to plan it as I know there is a BF group I would like to go to on one of the days and he would be bored even though they allow toddlers there. I think it is good for his continuity to continue nursery as he does love going and playing with his friends.

My son's key worker said a lot of mum's who put the toddlers back in for half days when the baby arrives find that a half day is not enough to get anything done and they are soon in the car fetching them back for lunch again which I think would be the case for me, I remember the mornings flying past by the time I was showered and organised.

I don't have family nearby but have a few mums to keep in touch with and a couple of toddler groups and soft play places we could all go to together, I am also going to get a season ticket for an activity farm we could all go to.

I'm undecided about the double buggy as my DS won't sit in his for long anymore, mind you I have a feeling if baby is in a buggy he will want to be too. I think I will try to use a sling for a while with new and see how that goes, at least it will be summer so DS will enjoy a wander out or play in the garden.

I hadn't thought about getting a cleaner but I think its a fantastic idea as I get stressed when the house is in a state and get tired out trying to do everything.

Our nursery require 8 weeks notice to change the hours so I think I will start DS1 off on a 2 full day one half day basis and see from there/change it if we need to. When I go back to work (after 6 months) he will be eligible for funding and could go to a local playgroup for a couple of hours when I'm off work leaving me some time with baby new.

Still - best laid plans and all that, I think remaining open minded will be helpful, looking forward to seeing other responses.....

Onion x

I had exactly the same age gap as you. On the days I don;t work, DS goes to Pre-school one morning so I can take DD to a baby gym class and do a few errands. The other morning Cm has DD so I can take DS swimming then we all rendezvous at a playgroup. Afternoons I have both of them but try hard to always have a playdate arranged or something planned so I am not just in the house with them. You can do pretty much anything with a little one, I can do all sorts of things round the house when I just have DD that I can't when DS is there (I didn't do as much when DS was small because I think you don't realise at the time how little they actually need you on hand - with DC2 everything just seems miles easier and not at all a hassle compared with dealing with the toddler. Its hard to do things like soft play on your own because DS wants me clambering about and I can't leave DD. I think really what you need is mum friends to pair up with rather than more hired help - if your aim is to spend time with the kids you don't want to hire more childcare - though occasionally its useful if you have the flexibility to put the older one in an extra afternoon or something - I do that sometimes and have a whole day just me and DD - I get SO much done

Thanks for all the responses - it is really interesting.

I think it seems sensible to have more rather than less care for the first month or two whilst things are hardest, so I think I'll stick to three days a week for that period (provided we like the nursery round here we are visiting tomorrow!). Will give me a chance to see what I think I can do and also suss out more activities I can do with DD and baby and then I can think about cutting back to half days or a combination of whole or half days.

Think you might be right about mornings only onion - it would take me 20mins to walk to local nursery, then 20mins home, by which time only a couple of hours free before I'd have to leave the house again to pick DD up. school hours sound ideal but I don't think current nursery offer that (the new one we are looking at is run by same organisation so assume it is the same).

I had been kind of planning on putting baby in a sling and DD in pushchair (she likes to walk but VERY slow and we need to do 20-30min walks to almost every activity/centre/shops etc. we would go to in day). But the idea of them both possibly napping at the same time in double buggy makes db sound very tempting! (DD has never napped anywhere other than buggy)

Would love to find local mums I can build a support network from, but quite a lot of luck involved - just started going to a few local antenatal yoga and childrens activities classes in the area so hopefully will start meeting people through these.

just seen your reply trixie - interesting about getting more done with dc2 than dc1. I had been hoping that was the case. I have gotten so much more organised and into routine since DD born that I'm hoping I can stick to most of my daily routines with not too much trouble and keep on top of things (washing/cooking/clearing/light cleaning etc.) - didn't know whether I was being wildly optimistic!

I do remember a LOT of daytime TV last time, and a lot of sitting down for coffees whilst DD slept, rather than actually doing anything (I was quite tired I suppose; I wonder if my body is so used to perpetual tiredness now that it will be better able to cope, or whether I'll just crumble under the extra strain!)

Wow! I'm really jealous. No help here, no one to hold baby while I had a shower etc. Couldn't afford a cleaner etc. Couldn't afford nursery. So instead I went slowly mad in a filthy house!

I think the idea of other mum s is lovely and they can be great moral support but the reality of the matter is that other mums are busy keeping eyes on their own little ones not free childcare or housework for you. In the first 2-3 months till you re getting more sleep I felt I needed more practical support like someone to clean up and ds going to playschool those mornings And burn up his energy this left me free to feed dd tidy up stick n wash loads etc or catch up on sleep. So I was more able to devote quality time to toddler when I collected him - and do afternoon playdate with said mums !
You're right in that mornings weren't long enough to get into town or anything.

My girls are 21mths apart.
I live miles away from any family so no help at all. DH works in London so does long hours (apart from the initial 3 weeks Pat leave he had)
My cleaner was me and DD1 didn't start nursery till 2.5 and that was only 1 morning a week.

Its amazing how you cope when you have to.

My first 2 DD were 20 months apart and I had little help. No nursery or cleaner or car. Just me and my phil and teds most of the time. It was fine and then we had DD3 2.5yrs after so 3 under 5. It was fine. Easier than now as eldest at school and middle at pre-school so everyday out of house by 8.30. A juggling act most of time but it can be done!

I am a SAHM so didn't have any childcare for DS1 (who was 22m when DD was born) or DD (who was 24m when DS2 was born). I did have a cleaner though. Agree with the last couple of posters - it was fine, and lovely to see my kids bonding together.

I think you are right that you are used to being tired so take it in your stride second time around. First time the sleep deprivation is such a shock!

Im with gluestickseverywhere Mine were born 11 months apart and had no help at all, feeling very right now.

When I look back I really regret not saving up so i could have paid someone to take ds1 maybe two mornings a week.

I shudder when i think of those first 6 months and how dirty my house was and how big the bags under my eyes were...

It won't be as bad as you think, honest. I had a 10 yr old , 7 yr old 21 month a nd a newborn. Husband worked away in the week. My neighbours kindly walked the dogs for me as I had a c section.
You learn to prioritise and bugger the rest.
If you can what about a cleaner?