Struggling in secret but trying to talk about it

[lizzywig]

DD is almost 9 weeks old now and I love her so much I can?t put into words. I?m going back to work when she?s 9 months old DH is currently working one full time job M-F 7:30 ? 4:30 and a part time job Tues & Weds nights from 6 ? 10. He was going to drop the part time job around now but unfortunately we have had a ?surprise? debt hit us so now he can?t.

This means that I am the one exclusively looking after DD on Mon, Thurs & Fri day and Tues & Weds day and night. Of course even when DH is around I?m looking after her equally. As a breastfeeding mum I do of course have to be at the little madams beck and call when she needs me, thus less sleep at night. Due to a rocky b?feeding start we now also mix feed but only one bottle at night time and occasionally if out and about.

At six weeks we implemented a bed time routine, at 6pm we give her a bath, change for bed, feed with bottle and put down to sleep. Nine times out of ten she goes down and sleeps for at least 6 hours no problem. Then usually she wakes a further two times during the night. I think this is amazing and we count ourselves extremely lucky. However I am feeling increasingly tired, worn out and mostly...lonely. DH is such a hands on Dad and he is fantastic and all he wants to do is help but he also doesn?t understand how much I do. As he works long days on Tues & Weds I am the one to get up during the night on Mon, Tues & Weds to do all nappy changes and feeds. Then on Thurs, Fri & Sat night as he calls it I ?get the nights off? (this means that if she needs her nappy changing he gets up to do it), I am still however sat there b?feeding on my own while he?s snoring away. Sun nights we take nappy changes in turns.

I did attempt talking to my health visitor about it and she suggested that as DD is breastfed Dad needs to have his own special bond and he should do the bedtime routine each night as it would give them their own bond. I am a huge fan of this idea 1) I think she is right and 2) it would give me a bit of time to myself. DH was also hugely responsive to this idea but then suggested we do as follows: I do Mon, Tues & Weds night and he does Thurs & Fri night and we do Sat & Sun night together.

He feels like he has no time to himself, I get this, he works two jobs and when he?s home he?s being a Dad. I tried explaining this to Health Visitor and she laughed, she said his time is when he?s at work because nothing is as exhausting as being with your child all the time. I do see her point but surely he?s entitled to a bit of him time too.

That said I feel like I hate the first part of the week Mon, Tues & Weds, it?s a real struggle and as each week goes by I?m getting more lonely, feeling more tired and fed up. I can?t put my finger on it but I?m just not happy. It?s not PND, I?ve had depression before and on the whole I manage to get on etc and I?m still a happy person, it?s just that I?m starting to feel like a single parent. I commend all you single parents out there I really do not know how you do it! Answer: you have no other choice. Which is why I feel like such a moany so and so and I feel more than silly writing this because I?m sure this is all the norm.

Some things I?ve tried: 1) sleeping during the day, doesn?t work, never been able to sleep during the day 2) arranging things with friends on Tues & Weds (I?m going to meet a friend and her baby today and tomorrow another friend is coming over).
I?ve tried talking to DH about it all but he just doesn?t get it and thinks that I?m saying he?s a bad dad and doesn?t do enough which is so not the case. I feel like I?m starting to count down to when he gets in from work and when Friday comes round I feel so relieved. So you can imagine my horror when he comes home and tells me that he arranged to go off to the football on a Saturday in a couple of weeks. This is of course fine BUT it makes me feel miserable that now I?ve lost one of my days where I get a bit of a break. What about him though? He deserves a break!!

Since she?s been born I?ve been out for a work Christmas lunch and a meal with friends and he?s been out for his works Christmas party and he also goes off to the ?shops? (aka the pub) to get ?the paper? on a Sunday lunchtime. He says ?why don?t you arrange to go out with friends? which I will do BUT before I can do that I need to express for a week to get her some milk. However I don?t need a break once every 9 weeks I need to change the way things are and for him to understand how I?m feeling. Unfortunately every time I try to explain how I feel he thinks I have PND....his own mum developed mental health issues once he was born. So I feel like I need to tread gently but I must be overly gentle because he doesn?t get it.

Congratulations on reading to the end! Any advice would be most welcome.

Well, you may have PND, he could be right.

But what you certainly have is a sensible HV. She is right. Parenting is 24/7/365. His work is his break. He doesn't get to go off on jollies whenever he wants just because you are breastfeeding.

You never get a break. Ever. Even if you are out with your friends, I'd bet you're counting down the seconds until you have to get back for the next feed if you haven't been able to express enough.

So, actually, he's right. He's not doing enough.

I have sympathy for you both here. Do you have any family support? Or a friend who could look after the baby for an afternoon so you could just be on your own?

It does get easier. They do start to sleep longer at night and get into little routines. Being a mum for the first time is the biggest change anyone will go through. EVERYONE finds it hard to some extent.

Your health visitor is right. His time to himself is when he's at work! I loved going back to work for this very reason.

Bedtime routine for him sounds great - even just half an hour a day reading a book wearing earplugs will help you feel a bit more yourself. When he suggested splitting it, what did you say? I think you need to be clearer about the way that you feel.

Something along the lines of what you have posted here, for example.

Nine weeks is still very early on, pet, and it will get easier I PROMISE. But the earlier you get your week sorted into a manageable pattern (not dreading / counting down as a matter of course) the stronger and happier you will feel.

Obviously he's not a bastard, or completely useless, but I think your DP has totally FAILED to realise just how draining and frightening it can be, being in sole charge of a baby for long periods of time on your own. It's not just PND that makes you feel that way - I think most parents feel that way most of the time at some point, especially early on. You need to build up your own resources so that you can deal with the mini-meltdowns, pootastrophes and screaming fits that newborns go through. If you don't have a bit of gas in the tank then something relatively minor - or even just the worry that something might happen - can ruin your day.

A night off, by the way, is a night where you don't have to open your eyes or get out of bed. As you're BFing you won't get one of those for quite some time. I think you need to term them "nights with help" and "nights without help" as my DP referring to that as a "night off" would have me in a homicidal resentful rage pretty damn quick!

I really don't have any advice for you I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run.

I really understand where you're coming from. My DH is really hands on and is great around the house etc. When DD was born I said that, as I wasn't returning to work, I'd do every night feed/nappy on Sun-thurs nights, he'd do Fri nights and we'd share Sat nights. in hindsight I wouldn't do it again, it's just too much.

I think you should ask your DH to do more. When the first DC is born it's hard for everyone to realise that the opportunities for 'me' time are very greatly reduced. Now what we have is family time instead.

I know this post isn't really giving you and advice, sorry. Just want you to know you're not alone.

Oh and as Grumpia said, it's very early days for you and it does get much easier.

GO OUT, everyday, I go out all the time.

I made amazing friends 4 years ago at breast feeding group, (some of what you are dexcribing is related to breast feeding), from there I went to another toddler group.

Seriously, I felt just like you, I though I was going mad, after all I had wanted this baby for years, so go on, find one, make that step.

I didnt know anyone at all there when I went, there will be co-ordinators there, have a chat tell them how you are feeling, they have heard it all before and they will put you at ease and get you chatting to the other mums.

I understand this quite well. DH gets up at about half 5 for work, gets home about 6pm, by which time DS (5.5 months) is getting grumpy and is ready for his bath & bed. DH cooks tea while I bath and feed ds and put him to bed, then DH reads for an hour or so (preparing for professional exams). DH also goes into work quite a few weekends to do more exam prep.
All this, combined with me breastfeeding (ds doesn't take a bottle), means that almost all the time I am looking after ds by myself. I don't resent DH's lack of availability as I know he'd much rather be at home spending time with his son (and his wife!), and since his paternity leave ended (5 months ago!) I wouldn't dream of asking him to get up in the night, as he needs his sleep (I probably get more sleep than him as ds, although he wakes 1 to 3 times, doesn't get up for the day until 0830).
It is really hard to be the sole carer for a tiny baby for most of the week, even if you have the easiest baby ever, its really draining when that is all you do, and you know you won't have a break. Even when they sleep, you're just waiting for them to wake up!
2 things though: it will get easier! & get out of the house sometimes!
BF support groups are great, and if your little one will sleep in the car, go for a drive - you don't rest, but you can feel like your old self again, just driving along with the radio on!
You do need a break (if you want one - I don't mind that much), and your DH needs to understand this, but in my situation, I don't believe that work is a break for DH. He doesn't enjoy his job, and certainly doesn't enjoy revising for exams, so I just knuckle down and try to enjoy my ds as much as possible, as I know that maternity leave is a precious thing!

Not sure what I'm trying to say, really. It does get easier, and you.and DH need to support each other, because the early days are HARD, no matter what you do!

Hi just thinking some more, don't tie yourself too much to a routine. If you don't have the energy to bathe DC some nights, don't bother. IME a 9 week old doesn't need a bath every day.

Does DC feed on a predictable timescale? If you can feed and then know it'll be another couple of hours before the next feed, you can nip out into town or dp/mil/mum/friend can take dc out for a walk for a bit? Even this little time can feel like a break, if you do something nice.

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. I've been feeling like I'm over reacting and that this is all part and parcel of motherhood. I suppose it is but I think for me yes I do need some breaks. I can't put into words how considerate my husband is and he would go to the ends of the earth to do anything for me and our daughter. For example I'm suffering from a nasty water infection at the moment and our daughter woke up every hour last night so this morning he offered to take carers leave to look after her so I could get some sleep. I didn't take him up on the offer because I know that one day he may need to take it when it's really important.

It's really hard, he does love his week day job but he doesn't like the other one but he does it for us. He works SO hard and I want to give him time off but I don't get any myself. When he suggested that he share the bath time routine my heart sunk because I'd got so excited at the prospect of having a bit of a rest, even just 30 mins a day. Slainte - you're probably right I doubt I do need to give her a bath every night. I'm a bit dubious about what might happen if I didn't though, I think she's used to it and it's because of this that she'll go to sleep sometime between 6 - 7pm and sleep anywhere between 6 - 8 hours on first going down. This time gives me long enough to prepare things for the following day and get an early night. I might try not giving her a bath tonight though, it's worth a try isn't it.

My husbands aunt called earlier and I told her that I find Tues & Weds more tiring because he's working and she offered to take DD out for a walk for half an hour or so to give me a break - she happens to live 10 min walk from us. My parents are a 10 min drive (I don't drive but my husband does) and he has lots of family a 10 min drive from us. I get on well with all of them am everyone has offered to help but how do you ask? I think I'd feel like a bad mother or that they'd think I couldn't cope - if I'm honest. I want to ask but don't know how.

I've been contemplating the group thing. Again if I'm honest I'm not a group type person, I've tried them for other things and hated every moment. However I had an outreach worked over the other day to talk about it so I wouldn't rule it out....I just can't seem to bring myself to go because if I'm honest I don't want to. I have been giving it a lot more thought lately and will give it some more based on what some of you have said. After all I do want my daughter to make other baby friends! I will also phone her great grandma in a moment to arrange a visit.

Thank you everyone for your input it's made me feel a bit better because if I'm honest I was feeling like I was being selfish. More advice is always welcome.

Definitely ask the family for help. They're probably dying to have some time with the baby but don't want to tread on your toes. In hindsight I can see this is how it was for me with DS and I wish I'd asked!

Also if you're not a group type person you can still get out, library is great with a baby, and at least you get a change of scene...

I don't think you've got PND - I think you've got a 9 week old. You sound like a very good wife, and your husband sounds great too. But do not underestimate the complete and absolute change to your life and coupledom! For you it's very obvious, because you're the one feeding all the time but for him it might be less obvious.

Your HV sounds great - am very as I'm afraid I have only ever met crap ones. Yes to asking DH to do the bath/bed thing. And Yes to groups - I thought that they were the seventh circle of hell, until I actually went to one and some lovely ladies cooed over DS and cuddled him while I had a hot coffee, oh and then I met 4 people I'm still friends with 7 years and 3 kids later! Bite the bullet. Have a couple of set-piece conversation starters. Tell yourself you'll stay and hour and then leave if it's awful. But go.

Also - try not to have a Tiredness or Me-Time competition with DH - not that you are doing, you sound ridiculously sensible - but I did the first two times and it's not helpful.

And ASK family to take her out once or twice a week - get into your pyjamas, feed her up, and then put your earplugs in and ask them not to wake you until SHE wakes, even if they get back from their walk - they can watch your telly!

And it all goes very very quickly.....

I'm not a group person either - I didn't like it the first time or two - but it's worked out really well for us.

A huge icebreaker is what a lovely baby, or my favourite - what a lovely outfit.

A lot of what you are feeling is the over whelmingnesss of breast feeding.

That's gets easier at about 13 weeks.

I remember only too well standing at the door waiting for dh. Then handing him baby and hiding upstairs for an hour.

Would DH understand if you wanted to have regular evening slot for an exercise class or a swim? Even and hour and half of doing something feel good on your own ( or with few friendly souls if a class) can help you regain some sense of "me" . And hour or two with out mum won't be the end of the world to a sleeping baby. Or being bathed and put to bed baby given what you have said about your babies bedtime routine.

Lots of good advice already but just a wee thing to add. Stop nappy changing in the middle of the night (unless it's poo, obviously)

Buy the next size up baby-dry or whatever and leave until you have to change it. I'm sure we ruined ds's sleep ny changing him at every feed when he was wee. Since you are bfing try co-sleeping so you don't have to get up. We've not made the same mistake with dd.

And, persevere with trying to sleep in the day. It might save your sanity. Bugger the housework. SERIOUSLY as long as you have clean clothes and chuck some bleach down the loo occasionally it doesn't matter

My local sure start children's centre have a group called "welcome to the world - new mums group" which is fantastic. Can you call your local children's centre and see what is on? They are free and a lovely way to meet other new mums. I've also not been a big fan of groups, however today I braved a funky monkey music session with my son and couldn't believe I'd never gone before. He loved it and it was good for me to get out and talk to other mums, not to mention free being run by a children's centre

Lots of great advice here. I never changed my child's nappy at night unless soiled either.

I'm feeeling a bit like thi at the moment, and it's second time round for me. DD is also coming up for 9 weeks, and Ds is bang in the middle of the terrible 2s, so I'm either feeding and consoling a starving one, or dealing with an absolute meltdown from the other.

To be honest, i think I'm more bored/lonely this time becasue I actually quite enjoyed going back to work and I haven't got the terror/joy/fascination of being a firt-timer to see me through; besides, toddlers in tow mean you can't really go out for lunches with people etc and you get really bored of discussing babies with people.

However, as a first tiemr I'd do what others suggest - join as many groups as you can. I found that joining groups meant that you didn't have to keep going to them- some of us split off and created our own walking groups etc. It's those peoepl I could do with playing with this time , but of course, everyone else is back in work. Should've co-ordinated our 2nd pregnancies!

It did take a little pushing to get Dh into the bathing thing last time - especially by himself - but (along with the cooking) he's done it ever since, every other night, and will continue with DD. SEll it to your Dh as quality time, and enjoy 30 minutes of your own body with no-one attached to it.

Lots of good advice here so i just wanted to give you a big hug and to let you know that I've been where you are (believe me) and it does get better

It sounds like you are doing really well. Very soon, those days you have on your own will begin to seem much easier as your baby gets more mobile and interactive.

I would recommend trying a group, if you can. Baby massage is great at this age, or swimming? Agree with the idea of trying your local children's centre - ours also had a babies under one group, and a BFing group - there are so many people that even if you just click with one person it's worth it.

As for relatives, definitely, definitely get them involved. If you're not confident about leaving your baby with them at this point, just say, we'd love to pay you a visit, Monday/Tues/Weds/whatever are good days - is there are good time for you? Once you're there they can coo over the baby and entertain her. You can sit and be polite and zone out for a bit, or be honest and say you are exhausted and would they mind if you had a short nap or something.

I really think you and your H are doing a fantastic job at communicating, sharing and not blaming or getting into that competitive 'I'm more tired than you thing.' Much better than we did! And it WILL get easier very soon.

And re. asking family, you could also say that you have an appointment (dentist/whatever) and could they look after the baby for an hour or so while you do it. My mum came to the hairdresser with me when both my boys were new-ish borns, and just held him, walked him around to look at things etc.