Worried about impact a new baby will have on my son and lots more...

[lucylookout]

I'm so upset and annoyed with myself for feeling like this and writing it down here. I have a 4yo DS, he'll be 5 in October. He was conceived, carried and delivered easily. When he was 2 in Oct 09 we started trying for another, got pregnant very quickly but the baby had a lethal condition and wouldn't even have survived birth, so we decided to have a termination at 20 weeks. It was an awful time. I got pregnant again in May 10, only to miscarry at 8 weeks. Then for about 18 months we kept trying, but I didn't get pregnant. We had lots of fertility tests, but they came up with nothing, we had IUI but it failed and then while waiting for IVF I got pregnant naturally in Nov 11. I was and am really pleased, and had a 12 week scan on Friday which was fortunately all fine, but now instead of being on top of the world (after all I've been obsessively trying for this for over two years) I'm just riddled with negative feelings instead. I'm so worried about the effect it'll have on my DS if we do have another (I mean, if this pregnancy works out), he will have had us to himself for almost 5 years, how will he cope with sharing us? I think I feel guilty too, because he is what has kept me going these last couple of years, I don't know how I would have coped without him, he's been my little preschool buddy and we've gone off on lots of lovely adventures, just the two of us, and it breaks my heart to think he might feel usurped or pushed to one side. He says he wants a baby (constantly, and not prompted by me because obviously I have never mentioned to him what has been happening). But what if he hates his sibling. What if they don't get on? I'm also worried about my relationship with DH and how we'll cope. The last 2 years have taken their toll and we are not very close at the moment. It's a cliche but we don't talk about anything other than DS, we don't have much patience with each other and irritate each other easily. My DH was also been diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. He doesn't have too many physical symptoms at the moment, except that he can't walk very far so that hampers what we can do with each other as a family. But more than that he doesn't want to do anything anyway. He never wants to go out for dinner or to the cinema with me, let alone do something like go on holiday (haven't been for 3 years). My opinion is that if we want to get on better we need to do things together, spend more 'quality' time with each other instead of just in front of the TV, and if we need to, we should talk to a counsellor to help us get out of our bad habits and patterns. But even though he is unhappy with the fact we're not getting on, he doesn't want to do anything different to change it either. So I'm also worried about the effects a newborn baby will have on us when we're sleep deprived with a possibly very upset DS1. What a mammoth post, sorry. It just feels better getting it out. I feel like such a negative person, who when something good finally happens, finds something else to worry about. I want to feel happy about this, not stressed and worried. Does anyone have any words of advice for me? And also advice on how I might make things easier for my DS to ensure he keeps feeling secure and loved? And any similar relationship experiences would be appreciated too.

Can you get some counseling /therapy ? I also had termination in similar circumstances (and mc) and have had similar issues with feeling dd being pushed out (dd2 due next week).

Obviously everyone is different but I found focussing on poor dd wasn't just a genuine expression of love/anxiety about future but a projection of my worries for everything else. Here you have a difficult and stressful history of pregnancy , relationship issues , dh health all going on at once.

I am found therapy a really good way to contain and understand my fears. Pm if want more details as don't want to hijack thread but just offer what i did when had similar issues .

Thanks Gigondas, have just PMed you.

I think the poem I've reproduced below (not sure who wrote it) says it all. I'm hoping to have DC2 before too long and adore my DD so much, like most mums, I worry about the effect on her of having to "share" me and whether I could love a second child as much.

Anyway, here's the poem:

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you?ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, ?Please love only me?. And I hear myself telling you in mine, ?I can?t?, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I?m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times ? only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you ? as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven?t taken something from you, I?ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you ? only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you?ll never share my love. There?s enough of that for both of you ? you each have your own supply.

I love you ? both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Author Unknown

Thanks immaculadas, that's a lovely poem and does express many of the feelings I'm having (although did just make me cry while reading it on a bus!)

Love that poem immacluda. My dd is 11 weeks and ds2 is starting to show curiosity at last rather than just asking her to go back in my tummy and keeping a mile away from her. We have fertility issues and had early mc before conceiving dd. had all the guilt feelings with ds2 for ds1 as 8 years between and the adore eachpthrr. Same fears with dd and age gaps are 12 and 4 years. Ds1 helps and adores her, ds2 coming around slowly.

Congratulations on the birth of DD MamaM. How did your ds1 take it when ds2 came along. Did you take any special measures before or after the birth to make the transition for him as smooth as possible?

I cry every time I read it too, lucy!
Good luck with everything.

Congrats to you, MamaM

your story sounds very similar to mine... we welcomed our baby daughter into the world 3 months ago and her brother simply adores her (he is 4.5). It's like she's been a part of our lives forever. It's been a huge relief

Ds1 took it really well. Never shown any jealousy. I got him gift from baby and he helped choose gift for his new brother. I involved him as much as he wanted and always referred to baby as ours not mine.

How nice to hear Africa and MamaM* that your children have enjoyed their sibling. That's really reassuring.

A bit different as we always said we would like to have another but we will let nature do its thing, no extraordinary means. DD1 and 2 are 5 years and 10 days apart, DD1 is really loving and caring with her sister and loves to teach her things (not necessarily appropriate).
I agree the impact of the new baby might not be as huge as you anticipate and it might reflect your fear rather than your DS expectations.

DD1 actually "wished" for a sister at the Trevi fountain in Rome and within 3/4 months I was pregnant, it is (was from the beginning) "her" baby as well and if you could see them now you would think so too.

DD2 idolatre her big sis.

Lucy will pm you tomorrow - but hope all replies here have helped (poem was great).

Blubbing at that poem too. DD1 is about to turn 4 and DD2 is due to arrive any minute now. I constantly wonder if I've ruined dd1's life and will end up pushing her out but I know she will love her new sister. It worries me all the time though.

Hi, I think your concerns for and about dc1 are very very common. I had dd2 when dd1 was 5, so similar timing to yours. She adored het from the start but there sad definitely snow adjustment period. My advice would be to talk to dc1 a lot, explaining that babies need lots of attention for a whilq whilst they are so tiny but that doesn't mean you love the baby more. Get them involved ad much as possible, that sounds obvious now but found with tiredness from new born easy to overlook AND I know a lot of mums who feel over protective of letting dc1 hold and carry lite siblings- sometimes you really haves to fight that urge. And really big up the big brother role, how helpful he is, how lucky baby is to have him as a big brother, he will be able to teach him to walk, eat etc

It will all come right. That poem is so true

I did find though and still do that I miss time with dd1 on our own, so I do make sure to palm baby off on relatives and friends, fairly regulary and do something just the 2 of us

Sorry you've had such a rotten time. Sounds like your husband is depressed? I think you need to improve your relationship before the birth if possible

Good luck

Lemousquetaire, how lovely that your girls get on so well and that DD1's wish came true. I'll definitely make sure ds feels v involved, as that seems to have worked well for everyone.

Gigondas, thanks, will look out for it.

Gwendoline, good luck on the imminent arrival of DD2. I hope some of the messages on here have reassured you.

Thanks bejeezus, you give good advice (particularly about the picking up etc) and will try to not be too protective so that ds feels involved too. And you're right, I think I am mourning in advance the very special and intense relationship I have with ds. It will change, inevitably, and that saddens me. What I'm forgetting though of course is all the joy this new little creature will give us all, and that will be very special too. Also, as ds will start school 5 weeks after due date (where he already goes to nursery 3 days a week, so transition shouldn't be too bad) he'll be super occupied during the day, and the baby will (hopefully!) sleep during the day for at least the first couple of years, so there will be plenty of time for weekend one on one time, and maybe extra cuddles in the evening with a later bedtime. Thanks ladies, you've given me lots of ideas to help us along.
And as for DH, he did have depression in the past, although I don't think he is now. I think his medication makes him moody, and when he's stressed or nervous, his MS symptoms get worse, so he tends to avoid new/unknown situations. But he's also a bit of a typical man in that he doesn't actually talk to me about any of this. I think counselling would do us good, or even just counselling for me to help me manage my expectations of him.

Good luck with the counselling.

I did spend time alone with DD1, we had a few hours after school once a week when I picked her up without the baby, so we could do big girl things together. When baby was napping I would play card or a board game or what ever she wanted once a day (when possible). Even 10 min made a difference.
I would tell the baby to wait because I was with her big sister and had to finish this and that. Talk to the baby for the benefit of the bigger one, that was a good advice that I received. I often told the baby "how lucky are you to have such a nice/helpful/... big sister" "you have to wait now I am with DD1" then ask permission from DD1 to stop because the baby is crying.

Make sure the guests don't jump on the baby to coo first thing. They should acknowledge DC1 first, talk to him a bit, may be ask him to introduce them to DC2.

He will be fine especially if he asked to have sibling. Tell him it is normal to be fed up with a baby when he will be (because he will).

There are 4.5 years between me and my sister (my mum had similar experiences to you in between having us). We have always been as thick as thieves (as my mum says) and as adults I would consider her to be my best friend.

If visitors bring a gift for the new baby get them to bring something little but grown up for the sibling. This works well. Even a bar of chocolate (they say, too grown up for baby, he has no teeth!)

Thanks for all the tips and reassuring experiences, they're all very helpful.

To add to that, I was in the car yesterday with DS and a little friend of his. Little friend said 'I've got a baby at home'. DS replied 'Yes, I know. We haven't got a baby at home, and that makes me really sad'. We went back to little friend's house and saw the baby, and watched the boys play with and fuss over her and it made me think that while it might not be plain sailing all the time, DS is going to be absolutely delighted when I tell him, and hopefully the good will out weight the bad.

Now I just need to get that relationship sorted out ... [grim, determined face]

What a lovely poem. It is also completely true - I was so worried about having number two and the impact on my much adored first born. I felt a bit of guilt in the early days but I now absolutely love having two and cant imagine not having them both. Have faith in yourself you probably never imagined how much you could love your first child previous to having children - it is uncharterd territory for you but you will love your new baby as much as your first but just in a different way.

I'm really pleased you posted.
I felt the same way as you did before my DS2 was born.
I'm an only child who had a wonderful life growing up and I so enjoyed my son, just being him.We had lots of fun together and I loved the time we spent together just us. I was a stay at home mum.
I now have 2 children and I still miss those days when it was just us. I Still feel closer to my DS1, then my DS2 who's 8 months old now.
He's adorable too, but I had to grow to love him.

This might sound funny, I love the pair of them, but wish I only had one each, if you get my meaning, so I could give my time to each and love each as much.
Things will change again when DS2 can talk and has much more of a personality.