Kids so unhelpful...

[unhiredhelp]

...and I need to know if I expect too much or if some how we have all lost our way. Have 3 DS aged 12, 9 and 6. Both DP and I work full time and have very busy lives. We have a cleaner who comes in and cleans the house but I'm not sure if this has meant that the boys take everything for granted.
They wont lift a finger, chuck everything on the floor and walk all over it, put clean washing back in the laundry because they can't be bothered to put it in their dressers and today when I'd finished the washing and ironing and asked them to put their things in their drawers I found the younger two (they share a room) had dumped it all on the floor in their bedroom. I could tear my hair out.
I have asked them if they will at least put their pyjamas on their bed and straighten the duvet but they never do. If they take something out of the drawer and something also falls out onto the floor they walk away and leave it there. One of them spilt milkshake on the floor in front of me the other day and just walked away leaving it there.
I just spend my whole life picking up stuff up and nagging them about the same old things. Should by now they be able to realise that some of that stuff is not acceptable or do I expect to much?

I would have thought certainly older two
Should know better and do this. What are sanctions if don't do it? Or rewards to
It? Pocket money tied to chores might be one incentive . Or taking away/losing privileges If leave stuff on floor, milk shake.

Also I think by 12 I was expected to do my own laundry.

You must address this immediately! The 6 yr old is too old for this, never mind the 12 yo!

For reference mine have had to make their own beds from 2/3 yo, and at 3 & 4 now get a cloth and clean up if they spill a drink, tidy their own toys away and put their dirty clothes in the laundry. They can't put clean clothes away yet because they can't reach the rails in their room, but can pair socks and sort into piles belonging to each of them.

They clear their plates into the sink after a meal and I load the dishwasher.

They put shoes and coats away when we get home.

They font automatically do these things, I have to remind them 70-80% of the time, but they do it. Sometimes with whining, but tough. If they say they don't want to I just say "nobody does. We all have to".

What did you do when your DS spilt the milkshake and just walked away? I would have gone balistic been very cross.

You must get tough immediately (and I wonder why you haven't before). Pick some strategies that will work - and I know this isn't always easy - but it could be stopping pocket money/treats/confiscating toys/gadgets/early night/not seeing friends - and stick to them. Make sure your DP is on your side to.

Are your boys conscious of their appearance - perhaps you need to stop doing their laundry for a while and see how they feel about going out in dirty, scruffy clothes .

That sucks.
I think you need to plan out what you expect & explain it to them with consequences that you will stick to. Dock pocket money if necessary. Regular habits are essential; picking up after themselves needs to be habit for them. I would cut some slack for the 6yo, but no leniency with the older ones.

Mostly I find it's a matter of enforcing the rules when they resist or ignore, no matter how annoyingly tiresome to you; I had a 5 minute argument with DD about her putting away a dustpan + brush this evening (humph). I have a mega headache and would have been easier to let it lie, but I couldn't give in to that or I'd pay later.

In the same boat here sort of unhiredhelp. My main problem is that DSs (9 and 12) don't see the mess. They pull their clothes out of drawers and leave them everywhere. DH says shut their bedroom doors and don't worry about it.

They do stuff when asked but I would love them to do it without us asking at all. I want them to notice and it to bother them IYKWIM.

I don't worry about mess within their own rooms, it's mess in communal areas that we get very bothered about. Personal call, though.

Thank you for your replies. So can I conclude they are being lazy so and so's? They will come in from school and throw their coats on the floor and walk off leaving me to pick them up, and if they have friends over its like the house has been turned upside down. The thing is I do tell them, they do know not to do all these things but they just do them anyway. I feel like a whinging old battleaxe having to go on at them. Why can't they see if they did it I wouldn't have to moan. That's why I wondered if it was me expecting too much
I have tried different options of docking pocket money etc but they dont ever seem to do anything about it and in the end I give up

It's definitely the 'not seeing it' that makes me . If you are going into the kitchen, take your cup/plate with you.
If you can't walk across your bedroom for clutter, put it away.
Stuff at the bottom of the stairs needs to go upstairs.
I started putting clean ironed clothes on their bed so they had to move them to get in but they put them on their desk.

You have to be a whinging BattleAxe, it's just one of those annoying parental chores, I can only suggest you embrace the role & go at it with Zeal. Put some witty humour into it & you will get more cooperation, btw, or make it into a competition, who can tidy their room fastest, etc. (won't work with 12yo, but 6yo should be super keen). No one gets to leave the coat area of house until their own coat is hung up. Ditto with shoes, bags, etc.

I think you need to be really strict, sit them down and tell them there's going to be a few changes an what you expect of them. Consequences that will really bug them for non compliance? Lots of nagging involved!

FWIW by 12 I was changing my bed, helping with washing, sweeping kitchen floor, doing basic food shopping etc and expected to do so without reward. My best friend at the time had to put the dinner on for her parents before they got home from work.

Try drawing up a family contract with their input. Things that they fairly expect from you and things you fairly expect from them. Then get them to all sign it and put it on the wall.

Discuss with them why you're doing it - ask them to think about what would happen if no one in the house tidied or cleaned up etc. Encourage their suggestions, try and make it humorous too.

Maybe put the contract together with a merit chart for them. A merit every time they remember to do the various tidying things stipulated without being reminded by you. Whoever has the most merits at the end of the week gets to nominate their favourite meal for supper or pick a family activity to do over the weekend (or something along those lines - I would try and avoid material gains being part of the deal!).

I would try and put the emphasis on the positive, but I suppose you could have a wooden spoon task to give to anyone whose merits fall below a certain minimum number - clean out the bins or something like that...

Good luck! Your future DILs will thank you forever if you can get them properly domesticated!!!