They're driving me up the wall in a big way

[DontknowwhyIbother]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but please be gentle.
I'm starting to feel really desperate.
Before my DCs were born I felt a strong maternal instinct and desperately wanted children.
However, I had had no direct experience of childrearing and didn't really know what to expect.
5 years and 2 DCs later, I am at my wit's end.
They are fun, intelligent, beautiful, normal children, but they drive me insane.
They are messy, destructive, noisy, stroppy, boisterous, distracting etc.
I don't get a moment's peace unless they're in bed, I am a SAHM and because of them it is currently impossible for me to work. Nothing seems to be fun anymore. Everything has to revolve around them and them alone.
DH and I get zero time to ourselves and have zero energy for each other due to the DCs and his work.

I know this is just a giant winge and that every mother feels like this, but I am really starting to resent the children, which I hate.
Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt them and would never give them up. I love them and would lay my life down for them. But that's the problem, I feel like I lay my life down for them everyday. Nothing is how I would choose it to be if they weren't here.

I look at my friends who seem to genuinely enjoy their children and I feel really jealous. I don't enjoy any aspect of motherhood, I just resent it.

I feel like a truly horrible human being. :(

Do you have a structure to your day or is it all on the fly?

It's quite structured.
DC1 is at school full time. DC2 is at school part time.
I therefore spend a lot of time on the school run, though luckily we live near school.
I try to organise playdates/activities most days to keep them entertained.
I currently have 3 hours free to myself per day. This is for the cleaning, shopping, chores etc and any excercise, coffee mornings etc I manage to get to.
My week seems to follow quite a strict pattern.

What would your life be like if you could choose it to suit you?

I think you need to make a few small changes to try and be happier with your lot that way you might feel a lot better, happy mum = happy dc's imo.

I was feeling like my life revolved around my dc's and of course it does because it has to and it's what I wanted to do but I decided that I was going to do something that I wanted to do, my dc's are 12 and 6yrs now and both at school ft, I'm not a sahm but I'm a childminder so I look after 10 dc's over the course of a week and can have up to 7 in the house at a time..........now I've arranged to have 1 weekday to myself (well 6 hours because I'll still do before and after school care) I've rented a room above a shop and set up an art studio, I can go there have a cuppa in peace, listen to the music I want on and paint til my hearts content AND Because I'm paying for the room and I can't dedicate more time to it in the week DH suggested I go there on saturdays too so I effectively get a day off and he gets quality time with dc's plus I wanted to lose a few lbs so I'm going swimming at least 1 evening per week, 2 if I feel up to it....I've only just set this up so will see how it pans out! Maybe you could do something similar?

Yes, I agree entirely. Something needs to change, but I'm not really sure what or how.
At the moment I feel like I have no control over my own life, even quite basic things, such as keeping my house even vaguely tidy.
I would love to work and have a toe in the adult world, but it's not possible at the moment for quite a few reasons.
I would like to do a hobby or something. I just need to find the time/energy to do it. Evenings are free after the children go to bed, but I have little energy to do anything other than flop in front of the tv and MN at that time.

I agree that happy mum makes happy children, and I hate myself beyond all belief for how I treat the children. I used to be such a patient person, but they have turned me into a snappy dragon who's constantly in a bad mood. I really hate it.