WWYD? Struggling with my 16 yr old DS

[bananatrifle]

Background - my ex and I split in 2007 and subsequently divorced. In November my new partner and I moved to another town about 10 minutes drive away. My DD and DS both split their time equally between my ex and I on a weekly basis, each with their own rooms and me as a taxi service :)

Today, I woke my DS up at 7.15 to get ready for school - he's notoriously known for hogging the bathroom so I try to give everyone time to get themselves in and out of the shower and spend all morning chivvying everyone along so we can aim to leave the house at 8.15 am to get to school/work.

Anyway, I didn't realise he hadn't got in the shower until about 7.30 am and I shouted at him to get a move on. Remind him he has to be quick so we can leave the house on time. He usually keeps me hanging around but this morning it went on longer than usual and I ended up losing my temper and I swore at him ('get a f....ing move on!!) I felt awful afterwards and on the journey in we were in silence until I apologised for swearing at him and losing my temper, but I added that it was a measure of how frustrated I'd felt. He responded by saying he'll just stay at his dad's. I know he was upset and probably said it out of anger, but it really hurt. I said if that's how he really felt we'd need to talk about it.

I got to work in a bit of a mess, but text him when I could to apologise again and to say we'd talk later.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what you have done, or if anyone has any advice really.

Thanks

bump?

How old is your DS? Would it be the end of the world if he did live with his Dad? He is probably only saying it because he knows it will hurt you, I would try not to let him see that you are upset but try and be 'cool' about it. Regardless of where he lives he has to learn to be considerate towards others as he grows up and that hogging the bathroom is not acceptable behaviour, nor is making everyone else late. Why should you spend your time chivvying everyone along? Perhaps he needs to be late for school and take his punishment.

Sorry if that sounds tough, but it looks as though you are being taking advantage of.

He is 16, going on 17. Yes, it is a pain to be chivvying everyone up but I kind of feel responsible for having put him in this position by moving out of his home town and therefore have to take him to school rather than him just being able to walk to school.

He would be the last of mine to leave home, and I suppose I'm just not ready for it. My DD also splits her time but she's almost 19 and not always where she's supposed to be at any given time depending on college/work commitments, so it's a bit hit and miss with her :)

Thanks for your advice though.

The latest is that he feels my partner's younger 2 DCs who come to us each weekend and through the holidays are placed above him and he's the last one on the list.

We've had this discussion before, and just now when he said "If they wake me up tomorrow morning I'm going to kick off" I said that it feels like he's making constant threats if things don't go his way. I remained calm when he came up with the "no one ever considers me" and pointed out to him a lot of the time he is here by himself with us and therefore can do things as and when he pleases (listen to music, watch tv, use the laptop etc) but he's adamant he's the last on the list. I've said to him that whoever he lives with now or in the future it's about getting along with each other, we all have to bite our tongues with everyone else from time to time, just so we can rub along together. When he's old enough to live independently he can strive for his Utopia but it might not be how he'd like it to be.

Hmmm... Kids, eh?

Just blogging really, trying to get it down out of my head.

Hello again, I think it maybe is 'time to let him go' and you need to be sure you are not keeping him at home for your own needs rather than what is right for him. He has obviously been through a difficult time with you moving and starting a new relationship and it must also be hard when the younger DC come and stay. He sounds typically self-obsessed (like all teenagers ) but will have to learn to grow up in his own time.

Does his DF live alone or is there another partner/children there?

If I were you I would start looking forward to some quality time alone with your new partner .

Thanks Ragwort, you speak sense :)

His dad is with someone but not living with her (she was actually an old friend of mine and her daughter still lives at home with her) so no doubt my DS does enjoy his time at his dad's more in that respect, but I know that his dad doesn't always provide for him (meals on the table, he's often out etc).

I'm trying not to keep my Ds for my needs, but I suspect that might be some of how I feel. He has said he does like alot of why he lives with me, but the toing and froing is a pain for him on a weekly basis, which I can totally understand. If he does want to make the decision to live with his dad during the week and us at the weekends, that's ok, I think, but I will miss the week contact.

Hey ho, teenagers eh?

Thanks banana - you can help me when my DS reaches the teenage years - he's only 10 now . My son is a real 'Daddy's boy' - I remember reading 'Bringing up Boys' (Steve Biddulph?) and the importance of a boy's relationship with his Father really struck me.

Good luck however this works out ........ I bet he'll drift back after a few weeks anyway !

Yes, we've got those books too - the other one is Raising Happy Children (I think - lots of books still in boxes from our move). Haven't read them all through from front to back, but there does seem a lot of sense from the bits I've read.

My partner's been really helpful with this - he can identify with my youngest DS as they're both deep thinkers, into gadgets etc - and made me smile by saying 'just accept that while they're teenagers there's nothing you can do or say that's right'. I remember also reading a quote from Michelle Pfeifer years ago, saying her friend put a dollar into a piggy bank each time she felt she'd got something wrong with her child as she was bringing him/her up, and when the child reached 18 she gave them the money and said 'Here's your therapy money'.

It is important not to get too bogged down with trying to get things right all the time, but from time to time I do sink with it.

Things seem ok our end.....for now. Thanks for your advice.