Should I try to encourage my 4 year old DS to 'toughen up' for school?

[sheeplikessleep]

Re-reading the title, I know the answer, but anyway, any experiences or advice very much welcomed.

Bit of background - DS1 is a lovely, caring little boy. He is a lot of fun, gets giddy and as all kids do, tests boundaries and has the time out step when he doesn't listen or whatever.

He is definitely at the more 'sensitive' end of the spectrum. I don't really think about it, until I see with him his peers, who seem to be at the forefront, very confident, really good language etc.

DS1 gets very nervous around adults he doesn't know. He 'clams up' (he has also had a speech delay which we are now at the end of, but his pronounciation is still off at times), puts on a 'I'm happy really' smile when I can see he is scared and then runs over to me. This doesn't happen all the time, but say yesterday, a grandma of one of his friends went over to him when he started washing his hands as his sleeves weren't rolled up and started pulling his sleeves up (I was just about to go, but got a bit distracted with DS2).

Other adults he is fine with and can be, although he always just answers in one word answers, never instigates conversation. Part of this is the speech delay, but is also because he is quite shy.

With kids he seems to have quite a few friends which is good, but it is only recently that (on the few occasions I have seen him at nursery, when I get there early or whatever), he's said 'no thanks' when others him to do things or suggest things he doesn't want to do. He isn't confrontational at all and until very recently, would give over toys if another child takes it off him.

Anyway, I'm waffling on, but he starts reception in September and I wonder how I can help him best prepare for it. He isn't the sort of child who would shout and scream at the top of his voice or go up to the teacher if he was upset. Do I just let him be, or do I try to encourage more confidence in him? It's been me who said to him that if another child does something he isn't happy with, to say 'no thanks'. I saw him just before his carol concert with the other kids, a couple of other boys were whispering in his ear about something and he wasn't saying anything, just rigid and with his 'fake' smile on. He obviously wasn't that comfy with the situation. When I asked him about it afterwards he said he didn't like them whispering in his ear. I said to him that if it happens again, just to tell them that (in a lighthearted way). Is it just about teaching him 'coping strategies'? I do encourage him to stand up for himself in a firm, but polite way.

Sorry for length, but any experiences or advice would be welcomed. Sure my slight concern is purely my nervousness too of him starting school. Maybe if he was a boystrous loud talkative, confident boy, I wouldn't worry so much.

Do encourage him to feel confident communicating his needs to other people, especially adults he doesn't know well. Ask preschool to help bring him on.
Don't think of it as "toughening" him up.

Thanks for posting lljkk. His confidence has come on and his pre-school have commented and talked about that at his last parents evening. But I do need to encourage him to feel confident communicating his needs. Just how? I do say 'say to X (key worker) if you need something' (I'm normally more specific but can't think of any other examples right now). Maybe I could ask him to ask friends parents for a drink or whatever when we're at their houses. He only goes to pre-school 2 days a week, so whilst they can help (and they are very good), he's with me more of the time. I guess I just need to make sure I'm not doing things for him or communicating for him when he can himself. A lot of it is because he didn't used to be able to communicate his needs, as his speech was delayed, but he can now and I need to let him drive it.

Any other ideas as to how I can encourage him?

Most of the 4 year olds around me (I have 4 and 2 yr old DSs) are at pre-school 3 or 4 days a week. Plus we all do a lot of play dates in the afternoons and the odd playgroup type thing in the mornings off. I don't think you need to do a toughen up strategy for him at all, but maybe just expose him to more people in a safe environment. eg. find out from pre-school who he plays with or could play with and invite them and their mum round for a cuppa. You need to invite the same person round 3 or 4 times before a friendship develops (between the kids and the mums), but once it's there it's great. Also, try and suss out who will be in his class in September and create a couple of play dates with those children. Does he swim? Learning to swim in a safe class eg 1 teacher to 2 or 3 kids, is a great 'pusher of confidence', without you forcing the issue. We go to Springboard Swimmers and they're brilliant, but there are others that are similar. Mine also do a RugbyTots on Sunday mornings which is another group of kids to socialise with - plus DH takes them so it's great time off for me and quality time with daddy for them. Also, see if you can up his days at pre-school to at least 3. By September he's got to go 5 days a week and if he's used to only 2 days with other kids and 5 days with mummy it will be tough on him.

The only thing to be aware of is these things don't change quickly, but if you start increasing his social time with other children, preferably seeing the same ones fairly regularly, by September he should feel more confident. Hope that helps.

Thanks Foxy for posting. I was planning on increasing his days anyway, so that's something to consider. He does seem to get a lot of invites for parties and he's always with other kids when I or DH pick him up and he seems to have a core circle of about 5 or 6 other kids he talks about a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he isn't shy with other kids, more that he needs to gain a bit of confidence really and particularly with adults. But I will definitely try to get more playdates and most of his nursery friends will also be starting school in September too (and there are two reception classes), so he should know a couple of others in his class. Most of our playdates are from friends of mine, who tend to have younger children too, and I probably need to get him mixing with his own age (probably more 'boystrous' boys) out of nursery too. Thanks for your post.

Sounds like your DS is doing fine really - popular at pre-school and mixing well with other children. My youngest DS will be starting school in Sept too and like your DS is reticent around adults - my eldest DS was the complete opposite (altho' does do that manic smile and pretening to be extremely jolly despite hating something!!!). I think a lot of it is just personality. Also age and maturity - mine will only just be 4 when starting - I worry too. Actually I still notice it with my eldest DS that some other kids seem more world-widely and mature. My DS2 is mature in ways and very confident but is still an innocent little soul. Don't think either way is good or bad, just each to their own.

Anyway....things I'm going to be trying to do is to try and work on getting himself dressed independently, going to the loo OK and sorting himself out lunch-wise (able to open his drink carton etc). Maybe try and play some games for listening skills. Role play school. I know this might not seem like specific help for your issue - but I think by preparing him practically for school then he'll feel as confident as he can when he gets there.

You could also speak to the school HT and find out what they do induction-wise. Last year at my DS school the reception teacher spent a few hours at the pre-school to get to know the children who would be joining her class. Thought that was a lovely idea.

Think swimming and activities are a good idea too - where you're there but not participating.

Plus, reception teachers are a very special bunch (in my limited experience!) and they have ways and means to accomodate and integrate even the most shy or reticent child. There is such a variety of personality types at school - your DS won't be the only one who's not too keen on speaking up.

BTW....there's a Harry and the Dino's book - harry starts school? - where there's a little boy who's very shy and won't say anything initially but eventually plays with harry and makes a great joke at the end. Might be worth a read to him?

bugsonbuns, thank you, some really good ideas in there, thanks.
ds1 does also go to pre-school footie for 45 minutes, which he enjoys (again he has had a couple of 'sit out' sessions where another child took his football, not intentionally or anything, but just a mix up and ds1 ran over to me crying and refused to play again that day). but that incident was a while ago and he enjoys it now and i think it's good for him, yes.

i'll look up that harry and dino book, he's got one of those which he loves, but not the school one.

thanks again, appreciated.