Need help as am losing temper with 3yo DD every day, no joy any more.

[treehugga]

I have a lovely 3yo DD and a 4mo son. Like every 3yo I know she's testing the boundaries and has been for a while. I think of myself as a patient person but over the last few months my fuse has dramatically shortened as I am trying to divide my attention between her and her little brother. Basically I'm not coping and daily find myself shouting at her instead of handling her calmly, counting to ten etc. I used to be a good mummy, but I really feel something has gone sour and hate myself for damaging the trust and confidence of my lovely girl. She has always been well behaved and helpful, and I feel like I am ruining this because I am stropping about every time she plays up. I try to break the cycle by finding something to praise, but I feel like I am being an emotional yo-yo - not setting a great example! All help gratefully received.

Having a 2nd baby is a big change for all of you. (Yourself included, so go easy on yourself).

I thing your daughter just wants attention, so in the end ANY attention from you will do... even negative attention like shouting. But don't do it. Don't shout. Either tell her off calmly (making eye contact with her). Or ignore "bad" behaviour (like whinging for example).

Mostly though your daughter needs your attention. The positive attention, so make sure you set aside 30 mins a day for just the two of you. (Or at least as often as you can manage). And make sure you point out that she is getting special Mummy time just the 2 of you. And try not to check your mobile, the cooking, the baby while you're at it.... Praise your daughter for good behaviour. A lot!

I know it is hard... i have been there, but remember your little one is still very little, so things are usually hard for the whole family.

Good luck!

I'm right there with you at the moment. DS1 3 years and DS2 13 weeks. I second the advice from 2or3, i am now ignoring the silly attention seeking behaviour by literally walking off, and praising the good. I'm also settling DS2 for naps away from us (i know not everyone will agree with this), which means DS1 doesn't have to be quiet. Also i know it sounds daft but when DS2 has been crying i'll say to DS1 "oh dear DS2 is being naughty isn't he", he seems to like being the good one (obviously cannot do this once DS2 can understand me!)

Things have improved alot this last week or so, fingers crossed

Thanks both of you. I've found what you're saying really supportive and helpful. It's what the books say too and I have been giving her as much attention as I can but it's a bit sporadic and interrupted. Have felt like a ping pong ball being bounced from one to the other. Think I need to accept things are different for all of us - have probably underestimated that!

If at all possible try to have some one-on-one time with your DD while the baby is sleeping. It doesn't have to be long even lots of 15 minutes of you reading her a story with body contact can make a difference. If the baby is in a routine it can help to find small windows of time to spend together.

Try not to shout, more effective is to completely ignore her and 'starve' the negative behaviour of attention. I'm sure we are all guilty of doing this but in reality the shouting only makes us feel better at the time and only serves to show your child that you are losing control. I used to tell my very challenging pre-schooler to leave the room and would spell it out in no uncertain terms 'Mummy does not like the way you are speaking to me/behaving etc so please leave the room and I will tell you when you can come back in'

Praise her when she is genuinely being good but praise for no good reason is ineffective.

Age 3-4 is very challenging time for any parent, believe me it's not just you at all.

May well not be possible yet while DS is so tiny, but for me the only thing that gets me back exercising is when I realise I've turned back into a shout evil nasty mummy. I lapse once I get bored of the damn treadmill but regular exercise does definitely improve my state of mind. It's really hard, good luck!

Thanks everyone.

I have been really thinking hard about this and realise that it's when the baby is crying that I start feeling unable to cope, and shout or get agitated with my DD.

Like today, when DS went to sleep I started to cook with her (an activity we really enjoy together), then after 10 mins or so DS woke and started crying. I let it ride for a bit but he wasn't going back to sleep & meanwhile the stress in me was rising. I brought him downstairs and tried to settle him watching us from his bouncy chair - no luck. So then I picked him up and tried to hold him while directing DD in the cooking. But there's stuff she can't reach or do, so I had to put DS down again > more crying, me getting more stressed and taking over the biscuit cutting so I wasn't even letting DD do it anymore, all no fun anymore. Then DD starts apologising which makes me feel SHIT, as she's not done anything wrong whatsoever, and it all just feels wrong.

In these situations, I really don't know what I should be doing. Stop cooking? (seems unfair on DD and when you stop a thing like that half done, the oven's on, the flour bag is on the table, there's butter everywhere and hungry teatime guests are just an hour away). I mean, literally, what should I have done?

I have so been in similar situations after my dd2 was born! (similar age gap).
I think what I learnt with time is to drastically simplify anything in my day. I started off by never assuming that the baby would have a good nap, so would not embark on an extended activity that required a lot of input from myself with dd1.

Your eldest girl probably just wants to hang out with you, feel you near her, feel that you enjoy being with her. That doesn't have to go hand in hand with an 'activity'.

After having many experiences like the one you describe above (we live and learn!) I ended up just putting on a dvd and sitting next to dd1, or getting out some colouring (can still be done with baby on lap or breastfeedng) or playdough.

Then if baby woke up screaming (she was a terrible napper) I would ask if dd1 wanted to come with me to get her or wait for a bit and let her decide. Then bring baby downstairs and say something like 'Oh this baby is so naughty doesn't she know we just want to colour?'

Sometimes dd1 would defend the baby 'she's just a baby' and sometimes she would give her a withering look!

I make it sound so straightforward.. But the phase you are going through is a bloody nightmare! I remember it being particulary had from the baby being 3 months until about crawling and babbling time in terms of coping with eldest.

There really is no right answer. It may help just to know that others have been there, have lost it unfairly with oldest child and know that it will pass. (eventually)

BTW mine are 4ish and 2ish now and it's all so much better now. (Seems like a long way off to you probably, but really it isn't)

BTW if all else fails, not matter what a humongous effort it may seem at the time, getting out of the house was always the answer for me (and still is).
But I realise getting out can sometimes seem way more hassle than it's worth.

Thanks so much jingle. That is good advice. I am going to try to follow that.

FYI plipplops - I crave some exercise but haven't sussed how yet! Also v good advice.

Just an idea but have you thought of getting a sling or some other sort of carrier to use round the house? That way you can still be carrying your baby but have your hands free for your older child. I have a 2 yr old and a 2 month old and the baby just wants to be held most of the time (as babies do!), and he tends to nod off in the sling while I'm doing things with my 2 yr old.
Just an idea for you.