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Parenting

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Original poster

Got 4 girls, hubby wants to try for a boy

25 replies

LouLou2013 · 04/01/2012 08:35

Hi, i'm Louise i'm 37 and i am a mum with 4 girls aged 14, 12, 9 and 7. I don't want anymore kids now, 4 is enough and i'm pushing 40, but my husband wants us to try for a boy. He really wants a boy but i have pointed out that it could be another girl, then what do we do? try yet again? He has wanted a boy everytime and they all have been girls.Also if i'm honest i don't even want a boy anyway,i have never wanted a boy. I am not a fan of boys, they just seem loud and annoying to me and most boys are pretty badly behaved. my preference was always for girls so i'm delighted with my 4. I have to tell my husband straight that i don't want anymore and that i don't even want a boy but i don't know how to approach this, he will be upset. He has hinted that he would adopt a boy if i won't try for one, but i don't want to adopt a boy either, i don't want a boy of my own so i'm sure i wouldn't want a boy that wasn't really mine. What can i do about this?

OP posts:

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Chubfuddler · 04/01/2012 08:39

Good thing none of your existing children came out with a penis really. You have four children, you don't want any more - nothing to add really is there? Ball is your husband's court as to whether he can live without a son .

EdithWeston · 04/01/2012 08:39

If you never wanted a boy, I am surprised you had four children. Only about 3% of those who have 4, have all one sex.

So you must have been open to the idea of boys at some stage. What changed? Did your DH know about this change?

Spagbolagain · 04/01/2012 08:45

You can't try for a boy, you can only try for a baby which may or may not be a boy. If it's a girl, he doesn't want it, and whatever it is you don't want it. Not a great start for a child.

It's nice that you are happy with your family as it stands, but your comments about boys are really not very nice. What a sweeping generalisation.

In terms of what you can do about it, the only thing you can do is be clear that you do not want another child, of whatever gender.

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Indith · 04/01/2012 08:45

Mixture of feelings there aren't there.

Your feelings about boys sound absolutely horrible written down. I'm sure you know that. I hope you know that. Boys are not all one and the same, you cannot write off around 50% of all children as being badly behaved and something you don't want, we are talking about individuals here. Similarly it is very unfair on your girls for your dh to be actively wanting a boy.

However, if 4 children is enough for you and you really don't want more then he is going to have to respect that. You are both going to have be very open with each other and try to sort through your individual feelings over gender to come to the bottom of things. You need to stop seeing the possibility of a boy as a terrible thing and ask yourself if you would be happy with another baby and he needs to stop his quest for a boy. How would his daughters feel if he were to want to adopt a boy because they were not good enough for him?

As an aside you might want to point out that you would be probably be turned down right away for adoption if you only wanted to adopt a boy, they would see straight away that there are a fair number of other issues there!

Original poster

LouLou2013 · 04/01/2012 08:51

i was open to having a boy cos he wanted one, i was prepared to have one for his benefit. But after having 4 kids and being 37 now i can't keep having babies.

Sorry if my comments on boys seem harsh, i have nephews who i see a lot and i have a good relationship with them but i am always happy to hand them back afterwards, they are too much of a handful. its like i am fine to spend a nice few hours with them but wouldn't want one fulltime

OP posts:

FiveHoursSleep · 04/01/2012 09:00

We have three girls and then had a little boy. My DH was the same as yours, but wouldn't have come right out to say he wanted a boy. I would have preferred a 4th girl. Not because boys are loud and badly behaved, all our girls fall into that category a lot of the time but just because we had all the girl stuff and I knew girls.
It's been fine though and I love DS just the same as I do his sisters. He has mild special needs so takes up a bit more time and requires more supervision than most children his age ( almost 4). I don't have any special mother-son bond that some women rave about, but I certainly don't care any less for him. Plus he's my baby, so that helps.
I think it sounds more like you don't want another baby, no matter what sex. And who can blame you? 4 kids are a lot of work, too much really if you have no family support and don't want to be relying on older kids to be helping more than they should with the younger ones.
I think you just need to be kind but firm with your DH. Tell him you are sorry that he wants a boy that badly but you feel you are done with babies and want to put your time and effort in with the babies you already have.
I sympathise as I know my DH would have been the same if DH had been a girl. Actually even with DS he has mentioned having another baby as he loves the baby stage, but 4 is def enough here!

Ephiny · 04/01/2012 09:04

Plenty of girls are loud, annoying and badly-behaved (I can think of a couple!). Surely those things have more to do with individual personality, and parenting, than gender in itself?

Anyway I think you've answered your own question: you don't want another child, you especially don't want a boy, and having a child you don't want will surely not end well for any of you. And the idea of 'trying for a boy' is nonsense. What does that even mean? All you can do is try for another baby, and the sex will be what it is.

I doubt your husband can adopt a child by himself. Yes single people can adopt, but one half of a married couple, where the spouse is not on board with the idea? . You likely wouldn't even be able to 'adopt' a dog in that situation!

Spagbolagain · 04/01/2012 09:06

Well it sounds like you know what you want, and you now need to get DH to understand this. And perhaps try to get to the bottom of why having a boy is so important to him. Is he under the impression that there are things you do with boys that you can't do with girls? That the relationship is radically different? If so I would suggest that all children are individuals with different personalities and needs, and the parent-child relationship is formed on that basis. There are plenty of noisy boisterous girls and plenty of gentle, sensitive boys around, and plenty of children and parents who bypass gender stereotyping in the relationships they build.

As for your comments about boys, so they are based on your experience with a small number of boys not most boys. Would you think it unfair if someone said that most girls were bitchy and manipulative? I hope you would, as it would be based on an unhelpful stereotype, then people look to have these behaviours confirmed by tbeir experience. It can only be limiting for any of our children to be viewed in this way, and is just so sad.

Chooster · 04/01/2012 09:15

You have to want a baby regardless of gender and you clearly don't.... its very tricky when one wants another and one doesn't but I think the fact your dh only really wants a boy is the answer to not do it... adoption wouldn't work either as you seem pretty clear in your feelings and I doubt you would be approved, a child coming into an established family would need to be embraced and welcomed. I think you probably need to be as honest as you can and don't leave your dh thinking that it could still be a possibility, its not fair.

I've also had 4 of the same gender but boys, your idea of hell right? funnily enough the worst playdates at our house have been when girls come so I see things from the other side of the fence to you. BUT, I do see that not all girls are willful, rude and messy! Even those girls that were like that when they came round will be adorable in other ways. It may never be an issue for you until you may have grandsons but boys are not a noisy misbehaved bunch. They can be kind, funny, considerate and gentle and I'm equally as delighted with my boys as you will be with your girls.

Diamondwhite · 04/01/2012 14:56

Well I have 3 boys and am pregnant with dc4. Actually I would prefer another boy. I think the familiarity is nice. I assume thats what you mean? I think its impossible to generalise about gender stereotypes. My boys are all very different from each other.

The point is though you don't want any more and he really has to understand that.

Loopymumsy · 05/01/2012 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessFromTheDesert · 05/01/2012 07:00

Well, you could do PGD for gender selection (we did this). However, I would not recommend it to you, as you obviously have such a negative view of boys. I would pity any son you had, tbh. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

deemented · 05/01/2012 07:09

I know of a lady who had three boys. Her and her DH decided to try just the once more for a girl.

She got pregnant.

With triplets.

All boys.

naturalbaby · 05/01/2012 15:16

deemented that is insane!! we had an unplanned 3rd, dh freaked out and until our 1st scan i loved winding him up that it would be twins/triplets.

forget about the gender issues OP and have a rational discussion with your dh about having another baby/toddler/child/teenager to support. discuss finances, holidays, cars, your age and try not to refer to another baby as a boy or girl. ask him if he really, really, honestly wants another baby. tell him if he says he wants a boy the discussion is over because you don't breed to order.

OneHandWavingFree · 05/01/2012 15:23

Your sweeping negative generalisations about boys are offensive, and wrong.

Your comments about adopted children "not really" being their parents' children are offensive, and wrong.

Maybe you didn't mean them to be, but they are.

OneHandWavingFree · 05/01/2012 15:26

Sorry wasn't finished.

It's more than fair enough to say that you don't want another baby, that you don't share your DH's burning desire for a son, and that adoption wouldn't be for you.

I just think you could be a bit more sensitive to other people's feelings about their children, and choose your words accordingly.

Dartfordmummy · 05/01/2012 21:44

'I am not a fan of boys, they just seem loud and annoying to me and most boys are pretty badly behaved'

I'm a mum of 2 boys and find your comments really upsetting. I suppose your girls are angels then are they

Prepared to be flamed by other mums who have all boys

Smokedsalmonbagel · 05/01/2012 22:50

I really don't think you should have any more children and I'm glad you never had a boy.

What happens when your girls get boyfriends? Are you going to project your negative image of boys on to them?

laluna · 06/01/2012 16:12

What if you are blessed with Grandchildren who are boys? I think your husband needs to start appreciating what he had got, I am afraid.

laluna · 06/01/2012 16:15

Also, why does he want a boy? Based on a stereotypical assumption that they will be football/car/rugby/rough and tumble buddies or whatever? I am sure you realise this may not be the case.

MyBaby1day · 12/01/2012 05:18

I think he needs to think about how much he wants his dream and yes, your comments about boys were quite mean. Also feel offended you said "one who wasn't really mone" when describing an adopted little boy. As someone who wants to adopt in the future this made me sad .

MyBaby1day · 12/01/2012 05:19

i ment to spell "really mine"....they are "yours" when you adopt them, they grow in your heart instead of your tummy.

SubordinateClaws · 12/01/2012 05:37

"i don't want to adopt a boy either, i don't want a boy of my own so i'm sure i wouldn't want a boy that wasn't really mine"

What a disgusting and hurtful thing to say. I'm sure I speak for everyone involved in adoption when I express horror at this sentiment.

Grow a backbone and tell your husband that you don't want another child.

timetoask · 12/01/2012 06:17

It is a no-brainer really:

if your fifth baby is a girl ( most likely), your husband will be disappointed and you will be resentful since clearly you are done with having children
if your fifth baby is a boy, sooo unlikely, your husband will be pleased but you very obviously don't like boys, I am really not sure you would bond with the baby or be happy to have them.

Tell your husband to just be happy that he has 4 healthy girls. It reminds me of a program I watched on the iplayer called 8 boys and wanting a girl, I had to turn off because I was getting so upset, how those poor children must feel in knowing that the only reason they are in the world is because their elder sibling has an undesired gender.

timetoask · 12/01/2012 06:21

And regarding adoption, well if the psychological tests are any good I doubt you will pass the assessment since you have negative thoughts about boys, not a good idea really.

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