I am probably being oversensitive, but...

[Pinkjenny]

Dd is 4.5yo, and she has an absolutely amazing relationship with my Mum, who until recently, looked after her and ds two days a week while I worked. The dc are the light of my Mum and Dad's life, they really are.

Dd has stayed at my Mum's overnight four or five times, and never wants to leave when we pick her up. I do understand that they never say no to her, but I have to be honest, it really has hurt my feelings in the past.

Anyway, this evening we went round for dinner and I let them have their evening bath at my Mum and Dad's house. I was in the bedroom, folding their clothes to come home, and my Mum and Dad were in the bathroom, playing with them, exactly the same way that dh and I do every night at home. I am pretty sure dd didn't know I was listening, and she said, 'I wish you were my Mum and Dad.'

I am mortified and embarrassed. And just feel like we must be the worst parents in the world. I can't stop thinking about all those stories you hear of people going and living with their grandparents. Dh keeps telling me to rise above it, and whilst I know he is probably right, I am still horrified.

God, now I feel even worse.

Recently my DD (5) stayed over at her Aunts house and told her that she wished she could stay there forever, I was a bit sad about it but in truth I
know that she loves her mum and dad more than anything and doesn't realise the implications of what she said, kids don't really mean everything they say (and we'll have to remind ourselves of that when they are teenagers : )) it's always tough when they say these things but generally it's just the novelty and attention they get from others that they love. I don't know if this helps at all but I'm sure she does love you more!

Thanks for replying. It's not so much that I'm concerned about her loving them more than us, than worrying that dh and I are doing a shit job of this parenting malarkey. He says I am being a dick.

Ah Pink try not to take it personally or beat yourself your up.
She was just trying in a very small child way to express how much she loved your DPs.
Try and think what you would say to a friend , if she told you about this .
I know it must really hurt, and because of the emotion you feel, you won't be able to rationalise it yet . But you will do .
Tomorrow is another day , and you will feel that bit easier about it .
Try to get some sleep in the meantime . X

i remember quite clearly saying to my nan "i dont know who i love more ...you or mummy"

she said "you love your mummy more than me...understand?!"

and that was that

so whilst flattering for granny - they really should put the kids straight.

i think its a backhanded compliment too - yknow that your kids are happy and loved at grannies.

and my kids never got to have an amazing relationship with grandparents - becuae they were either dead or are comlete tossers

whereas i had an AWESOME relationship with my nan - it really is something you should nurture

you will always be your mums little girl always. and she will be your biggest ally when teenage time comes around - she will be able to mediate and be kind to you in conversations wehre your dd thinks you are an utter bitch. your mum loves you most y'know..she'll be good to you in times to come

It's nice when children have a special bond with their GP's - but it's a shame you heard your DD say that, as it can only hurt your feelings. But she is only 4, and reflecting simply the moment she is in - enjoying their company - but you are her only Mum, and I very much doubt she would really want to be with them all the time. Part of the appeal of being spoiled by your GP's is the novelty.
My DD sees her Granny every week, she collects her from school 2 days a week and we often pop in at weekends too, yet DD wails when Granny leaves as if she will never see her again. And recovers in seconds once Granny has left!

it's ok to doubt your parenting. it makes you a better parent.

she obviously loves it there, she's such a little girl and having the bath there it prob was a big deal not being able to sleep there too seeing as she likes it there.

i prob wouldn't do the bath there if you were planning on leaving next time?

The fact that your worrying so much about it probably means your a good mum (but did your DH really call you that??)
I think as with all things with kids it's probably a phase butI know if it was me I would hate for my DD to prefer being anywhere other than at home, have you talked to her about it?

You have a loving daughter who can make relationships with the people in her life. Right there, you have done the single most important thing that a parent can do for a child.

also, you can go to work knowing that your children are happy, cherished and that they benefit both materially AND emotionally from your work/their time with their GPs. My God, woman, you've found the Holy Grail!

Congratulations on your excellent parenting. Frankly, you should give classes in it.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I do love the fact that they have such a special bond, but my God, those words, they bloody well stung.

Joan - that made me smile. Not true, but very kind, thank you.

It's normal. All children do it. Promise. And it's a reflection of their immaturity, not a reflection of your parenting. In the same way that they can tantrum for hours over something tiny and throw their whole physical, spiritual and emotional selves into it, they get very caught up in their immediate emotions when happy. What dd was saying is 'I love you, I love spending time here, what's the biggest way I can think of expressing this'. It is no more true than her saying all she ever wants to eat ever again is chips. The difference is that we as adults hear a thousand other things in the statement and then fall apart with sadness and angst. But she was just trying to express an emotion that is too big for her to describe. Namely, that she loves her grandparents. No more, no less.

It will happen in other ways too. In the way the throw their affection at one parent and seem to remove it from the other, or when she's older and you fall out spectacularly and she declares she hates you. She won't ever, ever mean these things and they come from an immature mind and a reaction to her immediate feelings, not from the way you raised her and you can't see it as literal.

We've had BIL's new gf visiting this Christmas. If my dd sings her praises, chooses to cuddle up to her, asks her for a bedtime story or asks if she can go and stay with her in Canada once more, I am going to cry great big gulping sobs in front of the whole family. I know how it feels. I know you think you're MY girl, I give you my everything, my whole emotional being and headspace and you casually chuck that away and throw everything you have at somebody else. How DARE you. Do I not do enough? Trust me, they all do it. I'm not a bad mother. It hurts, yes but they're just children and I bet you my last gingerbread man that if these wishes came true, they'd soon change their minds. Because they don't really want these things. they merely revel in the novelty of the ideas. If you sent dd to live with her grandparents she'd be sobbing to come home to you and her wonderful brother very quickly indeed. Maybe even dh though I wouldn't swear to it.

SOH - thank you. And buy a new phone.

My dd says stuff like this sometimes. She doesn't mean it.

If I phone gp's when she is staying there she refuses to talk to me, because she thinks it means I'm going to say it's time to come home.

And the reason I think she doesn't mean it is because I can remember telling my own mum I wanted my friends mum to be my mum, and also that I loved my dad more than her. Neither of these things were true! And my mum was an excellent mother.

So as others have said it's no reflction on your parenting at all.

I am saving pj. Toying with having mine fixed or stumping up for a new one. The keys 1 2 and 3 still work.