Feeling like an inadequate wife and mother!

[hayesgirl]

My son is 19 weeks old, he's doing very well, sits unaided, fantastic weight gain, very chatty and happy, sleeps and eats well - so what's the problem you're asking yourself...

Since having him I lost my confidence in myself completely. It's coming back slowly but I constantly see all the things I'm not doing or doing wrong instead of focusing on the things I'm doing well!

Before DS arrived my house was immaculate, now (apart from washing up) nothing get done! My ironing pile got so big that to stop it getting any bigger I stopped doing the washing - then we all ran out of clothes! I used to cook lovely meals from scratch now it's all convenience food which I hate!

I wouldn't feel so bad about it if it wasn't for my SIL having total OCD and despite having 2 very difficult boys 3yo and 1yo lives in a bloody show home! She does her housework at about 10pm tho when everyone is in bed!

I told my husband that my new year resolution was to be a better mummy and wife and he got really upset with me! He doesn't understand how I feel because I know I'm not being very logical!

Please tell me I'm not a total weirdo and that eventually I will either turn into wonder women or I will just accept that I am doing my best!

You're not inadequate. It's hard work keeping on top of things when you're tired from having your sleep disrupted and you have your hands full. I always used to wonder how other people coped because I just didnt have the energy and never seemed to have the time.

Can your DH give you a hand with the chores? Don't be too hard on yourself. It won't always be like this.

Sounds normal to me! One tip - if you aren't going out of the house or seeing anyone just wear un-ironed t-shirts! Cuts the workload! With me things got a lot easier to handle when ds was a bit older and dropped to 1 long nap a day rather than several short ones. Amazing how much you can get done in 2 h!

Before I had children my home too was always spotless. 5 years later and 2 young children, it's very "lived in". Don't beat yourself up. Right now just concentrate on your baby and everything else as and when. I know its easy to say but being well rested is better for your sanity than a spotless house. Be kind to yourself. Read and repeat the last line of your post. :)

You are not being unreasonable. I also felt guilty, like I was being a terrible mother when my baby was new. I felt guilty about everything and then suddenly I thought that if I start feeling guilty about everything, I'd be permanently guilty. The thing was that I was a fairly organised, controlled and efficient person before motherhood and then baby came along and nothing I did was scheduled. I had to learn to live day to day, very difficult for a planner like me. 7 months on, I can definitely say I've relaxed a bit - if I didn't by now I would have gone crazy! The other day I was in the coffee shop when I got chatting to 2 brand new mums. The one dropped something and said that she was such a terrible mother. She's definitely not, it's just when the baby's new you think everyone else is so perfect at being a mum. What you don't realise is that no-one is perfect at being a mum. We're all just muddling through as best we can :)

Thanks so much for your comments! The logical part of me knows that i am doing fine but the illogical part takes over and convinces me that my DS will only be a well rounded human being if everything is perfect around him!

It always looks a lot easier when other people are doing it! Lol!

I also know how you feel. My ironing pile is so big it has its own gravitational pull. I feel so crap at times and feel like it should be spotless but then i have an 18 month old who can untidy far quicker than i can tidy it. Im learning slowly to accept it and sod what people think lol.

DS will only be a well rounded human being if things are NOT always perfect. You're doing him good by not presenting him with a false view of how the world is, right from the start

Hi Hayesgirl, firstly massive pass on back to you, you are doing brilliant! Second, I could have written your post four and a half years ago when my DS1 was the same age. I also had a happy baby, great weight gain, baby very content but maybe my own feelings came into play and I would feel v inadequate if anyone said anything potentially negative to me e.g 'Is he warm enough' when no coat on in the middle of July!! Also my house was then (and now) never clean enough by my own or the standards I set by going to other peoples houses. This is also totally unrealistic by the way unless you have a cleaner or LOTS of help from family members.

You sound like you are doing wonderful, you really are. It is hard to adjust to a little one but no one minds or even notices if your house is a mess by your own standards. I am amazed how I have adapated to such 'low standards' but is true that mine and my DS1 and DS2 happines and health more important. You sound like a really caring mum doing a great job so well done you and a big pat on back. Your baby will remember how much you loved and played with him, not if there was dust on the surfaces!

There will always be stuff to tidy and clothes to iron. Being with your little one and being happy is far more important. Whenever our mums group visit another members house, the first thing we all say is "excuse the mess" no matter what the state of the house - LOL :)

I feel a bit sorry for small children forced to live in show homes. Don't get me wrong I love to come home just after dh has done the cleaning, but I think that houses which are too clean/tidy are a bit souless, and creative muddle surely is what small children need to thrive? I know it's very difficult when you are first a parent, but I'd really try and stop comparing yourself to your SIL, work out what really matters to you, and stop worrying too much about the things that are nice to do, but don't really matter. It sounds to me that the coking is more of an issue for you, so perhaps you need a plan as to how you or your dh can make perhaps one nice meal a week (ideally something that can made in bulk for two or three meals).

Well your husband wouldn't have gotten upset with you putting yourself down if he didn't think you weren't doing a good job!

Maybe your sil feels like a crap mother because her boys are difficult

I gave up ironing years ago because it was making me depressed.

Hang clothes on hangers to dry. Don't buy clothes that need ironing. Don't ever be drawn into the utter madness of doing ironing for someone else! (i.e. your husband).

I only iron if I'm going to a special occasion now.

When you think about what ironing is its pretty ridiculous. Standing around, literally for hours, obsessively trying to get tiny creases out of fabric purely for the sake of what other people will think of you don't.

What is this 'ironing' of which you speak? Seriously, DH does his work shirts and that's it round here. Your baby's certainly not going to care about things like that being perfect - I'm sure you are a fantastic wife and mother!

Another non-ironer here! I stopped when DC1 was a baby (she's now 21!) as I couldn't seem to pull it in. Do you know what? Nothing bad happened! I only press the odd item now - about half a dozen things a month.

OP, cut yourself some slack. Simplify. Lower your standards. Pat yourself on the back.

It is a huge life-change. Be kind to yourself.