please help

[helena1988]

Ok this is hard for me and its the first time I have posted to strangers about it.

I have 2 girls. One is 5, one is nearly 17 months.
I started having problems with my eldest about a year and a half ago. I lost all positive emotion towards her. I brought in the health visitor, social services, psychologists, everything to try and fix it.

In the end I gave her to her father in august. I am now on anti depressants. Have been for nearly a year. When she is away, I miss her and think about things that we can do when she is here. But then when she is here, I can't wait for the time when she goes home. I just don't feel the same way about her that I do about my youngest.

Her father isn't the best one to bring her up. He doesn't understand a lot and his parents are doing most of the work instead. My family don't want her to stay with him. And I'm worried about how she will turn out later in life. But at the moment they are giving her everything I cant. Warmth, love, time. I just don't want to be around her when she is here. she annoys me and I can't stand being around her. My other half will support me whatever I choose.

I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't understand why I feel so different towards each child. And don't know what to do. So I guess I'm looking for some advice from people that have maybe been in my position?
Thanks
Helena

Did you always feel like that from when she was a baby or did things suddenly change?

It suddenly changed when she was 3. I was totally different when she was a baby. I was even a single parent for a lot of it. I met my partner when my eldest was 18 months. Her father hasn't had any contact since she was 18 months, till this year. I just seemed to change overnight. Like I said I'm on anti depressants but if it was PND I would have thought I would feel the same towards my youngest as well. But I don't

Well if you haven't always felt like this then it doesn't sound as though there is a real problem with the connection between the 2 of you, but rather perhaps a (hopefully) temporary mental health issue.

Are you having counselling/seeing a psychologist type person? If not I really think you should. You should be demanding all the help you can possibly get considering this is the happiness of a small child at stake here. It doesn't sound to me like the pills alone will be enough. Rejection by her mother will of course leave her with all sorts of issues which I am sure you are aware and I really do think you should do everything you can and demand that the doctors give you every bit of help available.

I do wonder if anything in your life happned to you when you were around the same age? I am also wondering if you might find that your feelings change for your little boy when he also reaches the same age.

Have you hurt her or behaved towards her in any damaging way? If not I would have her back to live with you and fake it until you are better and really feel it again. I think that's what I would do. At the moment it doesn't sound to me as though she is better off living with her dad.

Yes I have. I used to leave her in her room for hours. I am very cold towards her.
I suffered the same thing as a child. My mum couldn't give me warmth or show me love or anything. But could with my younger sister. Me and my mum didn't develop a relationship till I was 14.
I have had psychologists involved. People to help me play with her and try and sort out our relationship. It's not helped. I don't understand why I feel so different to when she was a baby. I swore that I wouldn't be with her like my mum was with me, but it didn't happen. She irritates me, and I can't stand being around her. I feel so horrible because I feel like this and because I'm like this, she plays up, so I get worse, she gets worse and its a never ending cycle. But its one I can't seem to break. Which is why I feel she should be staying with her dad atm. Because he can give her what I can't.

It obviously goes very deep and won't be easily solved but if you really don't want her childhood to be like yours then I am sure you will keep on trying.

I have some issues myself with repeating my own childhood with my children (anger, being ignored etc) and it is not easy to change things because it goes so deep and has made you who you are. I have to make a conscious effort with most things as it doesn't come naturally. Unlike you though I don't have the coldness. I have the iritability though which is horrible.

If the psychologist didn't help then you need someone better/specialist. What have they offered you?

You say you don't understand why your feelings switched off but it sounds to me that you are quite simply repeating the same pattern, and that your feelings turned off because you had a younger child to transfer them to, as your mum did.

I also find that the more irritating I find my dcs the worse they behave. It's not a nice pattern to be stuck in.

Sorry have to go out but will pop back later to see if you've had any better advice then my crappy effort!

Your advice hasn't been crappy at all. But who would I go and see about this sort of thing? Social services are no longer involved because she lives with her dad and gets what she needs from him.

Who arranged the psychologists? Did they just try to teach you to play with her or has it been about trying to figure out why you are having this problem and sort it out through counselling etc? As I think that is what you need more then anything.

All the counselling I have had has been arranged through my GP. I've had general counselling with a counsellor, then I saw a counselling psychologist who was fantastic and abviously more qualified to get at the deaper stuff and then she sorted out group therapy for me as well to deal with another issue which came up during our sessions.

I would have thought the GP would be the one. It's a shame that no one else who perhaps knows more about it has come along yet. Have you thought about posting in mental health?

Social services sorted out the last help. It was more of managing her behaviour than addressing my problems.
I think my gp may be the way forward. I hadn't actually but maybe I should. See what comes up with them.
Thanks for listening and helping

That's ok. I hope the GP is able to help you

Bumping this for you in case there is anyone else out there with experience of this