I can't stop evil criticism.

[asphodel]

I seem to have got myself onto a permanent treadmill of criticism with my eldest dd and it's doing my head in, so lord knows what it's doing to her. I can't seem to let anything go. Mainly I feel like she doesn't present herself very well - she walks along looking at the ground with her back bent, like an old lady - she speaks very slowly and dully so people don't listen to her -sounds harsh but I have seen it happen - and she dresses very scruffily and messily. Before I get shot down - I realise that these are not very important things in the scheme of things, and the fact that she is kind and funny and wise beyond her years is much more important. But we DO live in a world where presentation is important, and I don't want her to sell herself short. There's a kind of abject aspect to it all that disturbs me. She does drama, which she loves, and is oddly brilliant at, despite her bumblingness in everyday life, but it hasn't rubbed off on her in rl. I want to stop criticising/nagging her because I am sure it is just making her feel self-conscious and resentful - it would me - but I am finding it very difficult.

How old is she asphodel? She sounds exactly like my 12-year-old ds! I think it all just comes with the territory at that age and you have to just bite your tongue a bit and let it go (easier said than done I know). I'm sure it's just a phase she's going through and she will come out the other side in a few years - that's what I'm clinging on to anyway!

You know what you have to do already don't you? You have to stop criticising and start praising. Exercise some self-control! You are an adult and you love her and you can do it. Can you imagine being in a relationship with a man who did nothing but pick up on everything you did and criticised it? You'd soon feel pretty abject and shuffling!
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I can tell from your post that you really know all this already. You aren't nagging her for her own benefit really, you are doing it because it is a habit and you feel annoyed.
Act as if she is lovely and perfect and nothing about her annoys you.

Seize the opportunity to praise her whenever she doesn't do the old lady mumbling thing.

I remember being on the receiving end of this sort of thing. It's a vicious circle because the criticism beings to sound like a statement, it begins to define you, and then you think 'well, I'm so sloppy that I'm a lost cause - no point trying to be smart because I never succeed'.

Please do try to bite your tongue. The criticism really doesn't help, and it will make your dd distrust your judgement of her, and her own judgement of herself - believe me, I've been there.

Try finding things to praise about her, genuinely praiseworthy things, no matter how small. She'll see through empty praise. If she's sitting next to you, for example, you might just lift a lock of her hair, sift it gently through your fingers (once) and comment 'what nice hair you have' and that's all^. No 'I wish you would comb it more often', or 'Why don't you make this sort of effort all the time'.

She's probably having issues with her appearance and presentation herself, and struggling with them inside, and harsh criticism won't help her get through it. Or there may be reasons that you are not aware of which may be the root of her behaviour, anxieties that may seem trivial to you, but are overwhelming to her.

Please back off a little. I know you are a concerned mum and of course we all want to do our best for our children, gbut this is one time you must let go a little.

I expect the more you get onto her with the way she dresses the more determined she will be to carry on with it, even if she wants to change!

I would completely back off the subject for a few weeks. Then maybe tell her you are treating yourself to an image re-vamp and offer her a budget of £100 or whatever if she wants to do the same. You could say it's only to be spent on a different look, but that as long as it is different, she can still choose it, and if you don't like it you will respect her choice.

It sounds to me like she is trying to find herself, and is lacking some confidence, which is like most of us at that age

I'm the same with my nearly 12 yr old ds
I just stopped picking the small battles and saving my venom for the issues that mattered
I also told him what I expected without him being asked and that rich rewards and a happier family life would be his for the taking if he could help out.
It has worked very well and we are much happier for it.
My ds is horrendously disorganised so we set up desk and homework and bag packing and getting dressed, are only to be done in his room, reducing the spread.... also if he misses something for school its his fault, he has to learn at some point.
This week he forgot his tie, locked his coat hat and scarf in his locker and then lost the locker key...
Hard lessons
walking home very cold and getting a bollocking and having to borrow a skanky school tie from the office...
None of these affected me in the slightest I was actually able to laugh about it...
Pick some good things and I found that doing cooking with my ds has really helped....

Low confidence will make you shuffle instead of walking, looking at your feet and dressing scruffily because you don't think anyone cares what you look like. I suffered from this as a teenager, I used to walk with a stoop, I was terribly depressed! Constant criticism will just erode her self-esteem. So I am agreeing with all the others here, take a deep breath and compliment her wherever you can.

Wow ashphodel,you could be my mum 20 years ago. I do understand, I sometimes find myself criticising my dd1 for her dress sense because I am conscious of how she looks to others, but I really bite my tongue because I remember the catastrophic effect it had on my (already withering) self esteem.

I don't know how familiar you are with mumsnet but we have a thing here called "parp" - ie you "parp" yourself if you think you are going to sound off on a subject and offend people. Can you "parp" yourself internally when you are about to start criticising? Use it as a mental reminder to stop and think.

Have you tried talking to her about the things you are finding irritating and asking her why she does it (in a gentle way)? She may say that she feels bad about herself or shy or something else etc and it may help her to have your support to stop these habits. My mum was and is very critical of me and my sisters and it sapped our confidence. I only really recovered from it as I got much older and got a very supportive and encouraging husband. If you know you are being critical, all I can say is please try and do something about it even if it is just to praise her more often when she does the things you do like. It doesn't sounds odd to me that she loves drama - it is somewhere she can pretend to be someone else and really let go. Look at all the comedians with depression for example (Stephen Fry, Spike Milligan etc etc) A lot of actors, comedians etc are pretty reserved in 'real' life.

My neice looked awful at about 12 years old. She wouldn't wash her hair or shower, would glower at everyone etc. She soon changed at about 13/14 when she noticed boys and made new friends at school. We had some conversations about it (her mum died when she was 6) but they tended to be of a fairly half hearted sort. I couldn't see any way of making her make more effort without critising her which I hated to do .

Her father just ignored it and in retrospect this was by far the best approach. She soon reacted to peer pressure (sometimes it can be a good thing) and started to make an effort and is now much better presented at 14 years old.

You and your dd could have been my mum and me. I still remember things said along the lines of 'you look a mess', 'you never make the best of yourself' etc. Part of it was a reluctance to let me 'try myself out'. Result: unhappy and fraught relationship between mother and me. Admittedly, my moher has really major 'issues' with which her attitude to me was all bound up, but the constant criticism didn't help.
Guess what - I loved drama too
I would make sure there are no underlying issues (social etc.) as my walking with back bent came from being constantly bullied (I'd found in primary school that walking around the playground looking down made me 'invisible' ) and my lack of 'ability' with clothes was at least partly due to not really having the friends to talk about and try out that stuff with.
Advice-wise, the others have said it all really. You could take her shopping, but it mustn't be a loaded occasion fraught with your expectations, just a nice girly day where you each point out to each other what you think is nice.

Miaou - love the 'parp' idea

Like other posters here, I suspect I was similar to your DD. From my experience, addressing the appearance issue directly is likely to do further damage. I would try and deal things more laterally instead, encourage friendships, maybe introduce another extracurricular activity that would increase her confidence; public speaking would probably be a good one if she enjoys drama, or even some sort of martial art, and see if she would enjoy more trips to the hairdresser etc. Don't panic, and don't stereotype her - I'm sure she has plenty of time to work on her image, nothing is fixed in stone. Peers and interest in boys are likely to help her take more interest in clothes, make up etc. Look at Trinny and Suzannah - image revamps are possible at any age!

[mini hijack - hi mts ]

/hijack

waves to FIT. I've lost your e-mail address - mine is [email protected]!