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Parenting

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Original poster

Would how to talk so kids will listen... be helpful for 18m?

15 replies

PreHeatedOven · 30/12/2011 22:00

I'm having a lot of trouble in disciplining ds1. I don't know if I'm praising the right way, do I expect too much from him? If I'm not praising enough.
All I know is that we are both miserable and I spend all day saying 'No' in various guises.
I feel a terrible mother I know he is a toddler and he is learning etc but there is frustration on both sides.

We aren't very close, I have no idea why. I'm not sure I ever got over the fact it wasn't love at first sight and things were hard at first due to medical problems of which were resolved by 3 months.

Sorry late night rant , advice and kind words much appreciated.
Thanks

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Original poster

PreHeatedOven · 30/12/2011 22:04

I think what I was trying to add was: would things be different if we were closer?
He's quite cuddly with me but there feels like there is a barrier but I don't know what to do about it?
I worry if I don't sort how to discipline him and our relationship out now the 2's and 3's are going to be awful

OP posts:

MudAndGlitter · 30/12/2011 22:07

I'm reading it now with an 18 month old and 2.9 yr old.
Hopefully it'll work because all I'm doing all day is saying no and screaming into a pillow!

lucky24 · 30/12/2011 22:08

I dont have any advice but i can offer some kind words. Dont be too hard on your self im sure you are doing a great job. If you consistent with you no's he will understand and learn not to do it.

What do you expect from him?

Maybe pick some rules for which you want to be strict on and let some other things go so you aren't disciplining all the time and can relax more and enjoy each others company?

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lucky24 · 30/12/2011 22:13

I think most parents will go through phases like this no matter how close they are with their DC.

Im not sure what you can do to build the closeness, baby massage? swimming?

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 30/12/2011 23:37

I have found it useful, ds is 22m.

Also I like www.ahaparenting.com/

bbface · 31/12/2011 07:47

I think what I was trying to add was: would things be different if we were closer?

My DS is 16 months and we are as close as I think we possibly could be. It is a relationship overflowing with love and affection.

HOWEVER, I am struggiling with discipline and also find myself saying No a great deal. Often he loks at me, smiles and carries on. He pays very little attention whatsoever to me getting cross.

So in answer to your question, pls do not feel guilty and think that your difficult relationship (which I am sure will improve) has aything to do with the discipline problems. Instead it has ALL to do with 12 - 36 months being bloody difficult at points!

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 07:58

I would say, definitely not yet. It's too wordy. It has some useful little tips, but my feeling is that it would encourage you to think of your baby as being older than he is.

I'd go for Little Angels by Tanya Byron, and Playful Parenting.

At this age, it''s a lot about distracting them, enjoying the good times, "in the moment" and trying very hard to not worry about the future. Not worrying will help you not take their developmentally- normal difficult behaviour personally, and that will help you to stay calm.

"No" does not work for some children. For some that word is a red rag to a bull. You can stop and distract them without saying that word.

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 08:04

I think you are right bbface. 18 months is hard. It's a shock because your little baby is turning into their own person who wants (quite rightly) what he wants. That's how it should be. They need to butt up against you in order to learn, and you need to be able to see it like that and not take everything they do as a challenge against you. They are challenging themselves.

You need to be able to emotionally support them. In order to do that you need emotional support and time off yourself.

A simple tip - tell them what you do want them to do, not what you don't. All they hear is the thing you don't want them to do.

Get down to their level and lower and slow your voice down when you want a message to get through. This really works

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 08:05

Also, hungers, and tiredness can turn children into devils. Make sure you carry a banana everywhere

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 08:28

Also (can't stop!). It was not love at first sight for me and my first DC. It took me a long time to get over his birth, my inability to breastfeed etc. I knew I loved him but didn't feel it. Everything was new, irritating, incredibly tiring, anxiety-provoking etc etc. I'm sure it's like this for many (most?) first time mums. He's 11 now and the love has just grown and grown. It's almost better for having been learned.

If you need to, find a good counsellor to talk to about the hard emotions. It really helped me.

DedalusDigglesPocketWatch · 31/12/2011 08:32

I am having problems with ds (16m) atm. He has a violent temper so if I say no, he will throw himself onto the floor, off the sofa, against the highchair etc.

I spoke to the health visitor. She has advised keeping a behaviour diary to see if there are any patterns to his behaviour.

I have noticed that the worst behaviour is around meal times. But although I try to talk to him and explain things, he is just too young to grasp a lot of it.

Pick your battles, if you can distract them half the time, that halves the amount of battles and that can only be good thing.

It was completely different with DD as she was that much older when we got the strops and bad behaviour.

Good luck

Molehillmountain · 31/12/2011 09:19

I felt like that about dd1 and still do to an extent. I found (with the closeness thing) that I had to tell myself to cuddle her and after a while it was something I wanted to do and came a bit more naturally. How to talk really helped me as well. It isn't too early to read it-it helped me to shift my thinking to trying to understand dd more and empathise with her. Substitute communicate for talk and it doesn't matter what age the child is, although lots of it really comes into play when they can talk. It's tough, but you are loving your child by the very fact you care enough to address tough things that you might just wish would go away.

GoldenGreen · 31/12/2011 09:36

Toddler Taming has a dreadful name but is very good at reassuring you that their - and your - behaviour is all normal and is quite good on practical stuff. Anything Tanya Byron says is also helpful! How to Talk is great when they are a bit older.

I don't normally pile in with advice on here but having been through this i will share what i found helpful.

I would say that if you are saying "no" all the time to such a young child then you need to look at your environment a bit - child proif your home more - and also perhaps change your expectations on what you are trying to get done during the day. They can't entertain themselves for long yet. They are still babies and are supposed to be pushing boundaries and exploring - it would be a worry if they are totally compliant.

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 10:53

I agree GG

Cybbo · 31/12/2011 10:58

Oh I loved Toddler Taming. Got me thru my 3's stroppy times

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