am I a rubbish parent or do other people find it hard to

[yawningmonster]

Identify what their child is really talented at. I see and hear people say all the time that everyone has at least one thing they can do really well. I also see these talented adults who say oh I just took to drums straight away at age 4 (how did that parent know to provide drums and if they hadn't would it have been an opportunity missed?) I love my ds very, very much and he has some fantastic qualities such as generosity, humour, empathy!(he has aspergers), I could go on.

He is struggling at school at the moment and really starting to see how different he is and I want to boost him up. I have told him all his fantastic qualities but he says he wants something he can DO (he likes concrete concepts rather than abstract iykwim) but he struggles with sports, he loves music but can't produce it either verbally or with instruments, is struggling in all academic areas, finds relationships hard work... The best I have come up with is that he is an inventor and a brilliant one, he makes all sorts of games out of all sorts of things, but he still doesn't see this as a concrete talent.

I try to expose him to loads of opportunities to try things out and try to follow any interests that he shows but most things so far are more of a struggle for him than a pleasure. Is it just me, am I perhaps not as insightful as some parents. Just wondering if he could be missing his great opportunity for something because I can't identify what would perfectly suit him if that makes sense?

Sorry if people think this is trivial but I just wonder if perhaps I played x instrument or exposed him to more music, or modeled more sports for him or read more to him, etc, etc then he may have opportunities that he just doesn't have.

You sound like a lovely mummy to me, my son is dyslexic and dyspraxic, I am dyslexic too. I never knew what I was good at until I was an adult. It took a while to show. My son is good at a lots of things but not outstandingly so. But I tell him he is because it makes up for what he struggles with and gives him confidence to improve. His loves are rugby, dancing, drawing and maths. Because he loves them he has more patience for them and can concentrate more on them than other things. Also because he feels he is good that them it has almost become a self fulfilling professy. he is now very good at them. He feels confident so takes risks and learns from those risks. To be honest I think he puts all his energy into what is perceives as his skills.

Hope this helps

Happychappy thank you, did you or he know that rugby,dancing etc would work out or did you just try things and found some he enjoyed and then got better at and therefor as you say became a self fulfilling prophecy? Thank you for you lovely post though. I was a bit worried I would get slammed.

He has always been more interested in doing than thinking about. Speaking is and was never his strong point. Walked at 9months and didn't speak until gone 2 not even yes and no. A friend suggested rugby for many reasons but lots of children who have difficulties with communication and frustration find this sport helpful because of it's strict rules and immediate consequences but also the forgiving nature of the sport (i.e the 3rd half where the teams of both sides stay together in the bar). Dance; when is was 2/3 his sister did ballet (she wasn't great but did it because if I'm honest I wanted her to do it). DS used wait until nobody was looking and put the tutu on and copy the routines. He was better than most of the others and the teacher even offered him free classes. At that time dad wasn't happy with that and said 'he'll get bullied'. We moved to Italy and it's different there. DS also developed an obsession with Michael Jackson. Last year he won the school talent competition for his dancing (v.proud mum). I'm good at maths and a friend explained that often people with dyslexia find maths relatively easy because it's logical and has rules. It makes sense when other things do not.

I love rugby as a sport but I do think all sport helps develop a person in good ways generally if its taught well. All sport has something to teach. I used to fence.

It sounds to me that he has all the typical problems of someone with aspergers and with your help and support he will be fine. My feeling is that confidence is often the key. When we were given DS the diagnosis we didn't say anything because we didn't want a label put on him. He is not stupid and asked what was wrong with him. I said such and such is good at reading and writing but is rubbish at sport. But sport isn't essential for getting a job or being a grown up so although you're good at sport you just have to keep working at the stuff you find hard and you will get there if you really work. The teacher did something completely different but thats another story.

Sorry for the life story

Inventing is a brilliant talent that could take him all places. Celebrate it with him. Has he got someone he can do his inventing with (grandad like person)?

You don't say how old is he, my Ds is 9 nearly 10

I think few of us have children that automatically shine at something. And I don't think they have to shine especially, just find something that they enjoy and that they find absorbing. I have a DS that expects to be brillant at everything for some reason, and has a tendency to give up if things get a little tough. So my approach of 'try everything' might end up being a little pushy :) because I have to encourage him to stick with it and give it a fair chance. Then again, if he expresses an interest in something... used to be steam trains, right now it's architecture ... I use that as a steer for day-trips. If he'd said he wanted to learn the drums I'd have found a way for him to try it out.... indulgent idiot that I am.

My DS is 11 so he's got more of clue now what suits him and what doesn't. Age 4 I think the world's their oyster, few know what they want or what they're good at, and it's just for us to introduce them to as much as possible

Cognito don't you think we all want to be brilliant at something. I know I do but I', not. Doesn't stop me wanting it though.

I'm sure we do, but you know what Einstein said. "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration". I think the 1st part is easy a lot of the time and maybe, as parents, we can bully our kids into a chunk of the second part, but then it's up to them. I have two friends who are good examples of this. One is a talented jazz pianist, the other is a director of a very large company. The pianist is brilliant and makes it sound effortless but I know he practices every evening for two or three hours. The company director I was at school with and he was no-one's star pupil. But he worked like stink through exams and uni and he's now pulling down six figure salaries and highly respected.

So it's OK to want to be brilliant but the brilliant people I know at least got there with more than a little effort and application. And that's the lesson I'm passing on.

ds is 7. This year gone he has been interested in sports for the first time and gave cricket ago and while he had fun he found the mechanics of actually bowling and batting very hard and doesn't want to continue next year but wants to try tae kwon do which I am happy to support. DS would rather do his inventing on his own as he has definitive ideas of how to do things and other peoples thought processes get in the way...it drives me demented at times as I will go to use my pegs and find they have been requisitioned into some sort of design he is working on or his bullet collection will be arranged somewhere totally annoying for the rest of us but he has reasons for it to be there and it will be intricately set up. Inventing is his zoning out and being at peace with himself activity, his chance not to interact on 'our level' but just to be with the materials he is working with and manipulate them accordingly. I see it as a huge boon and an effective way of him coping with the world but he doesn't view it as a talent.

Cogito I guess you have touched the nerve I have been trying to expose "it's just for us to introduce them to as much as possible" what if I can't or don't expose him to enough or the right things?

oh I also don't necessarily mean to find something that is very easy for ds, I fully expect that talents have to be nurtured through hard work and practice as happy said with the rugby and her ds, he played, he improved, his self esteem went up therefore he played and improved more,
I am just after something he can shine at and have as a concrete example to himself that he has skills and talents just as tangible as those he sees around him, I am not sure how to support him to find this or whether he will in time be able to appreciate all the great things about himself that I can already see but that are a bit abstract for his way of thinking.

"what if I can't or don't expose him to enough or the right things?"

That's just life. You've probably got limitations on budget and time same as everyone else so you can't possibly expose him to everything. Just do your best. My ex had a (rather spoilt) DN who announced one day, age 12, that he would like flying lessons.... and got them!!! I think that's taking things a little too far. LOL

If your DS is at school, I would suggest that you ask them to join you in boosting his confidence by rewarding him for good work, extra effort, good behaviour and so forth. Children know that we're biased and probably don't take praise from us quite so seriously as teachers. My DS's school is always sending them home with certificates, awards, merit stickers and so on. It really has an impact.

yawning i think you ate beating yourself up unecessarily. You sound like a lovely caring mun, and your ds sounds lovely.
You describe him as generous, humorous and empathetic, surely better attributes than playing the drums.

FWIW i shone at nothing as a child, crap at sports, not particularly popular. As i grew up and went to high school things were much better and now as an adult i love sports that i find fun combat, gym, swimming, running etc, maybe because at 36 theres no competition.

There are lots of fun sports your ds could try away from rugby or football, gymnastics, dodgeball, climbing, trampolining.
My ds1 is really quite girly, probably more suited to dancing than rugby, but he joined an amazing local team with great supportive motivational coaches and absolutey loves it, hes a great player which has surprised me and its very social for all the family. One of the boys on the team has a weakness which makes playing difficult for him but he part of the team, supported by the coaches and other players, its a game that has really changed the boys.

Your DS is a probably a bit like mine and found his niche at secondary school. The things he is good at ie analysing (humanities and science) and design (dt and ict) are not really recognised at primary school. Although he seemed probably average in reading and writing (he does have dyslexic problems) he his top set in secondary for nearly all subjects.
The sports he is good at and more importantly he enjoys are swimming, climbing and kayaking. He is not allowed to do the climbing and kayaking until he was 9 so again something that was discovered later in life. Swimming he did from a baby, but not really interested in club swimming but does well in the inter house school competitions every year.

If he is a brilliant inventor then he is brilliant at lateral thinking, that is an excellent skill and not all that common. Engineering probably, too. Many engineers aren't all that great at standard academic subjects btw, so don't let him being iffy at math or science put him off.

Could I suggest climbing....? I was (and still am!) a lot like your son, I think. I found group sport difficult and liked doing my own thing in my own way. It took me 24 years to discover climbing and it was an absolute life saver for me.

Climbing is like a physical puzzle. You have to work out the best route and work out how best to use the hand and foot holds to get to the top. And you can do any routes you like. Your climbing partner can climb a totally different route on the same bit of wall so there's no pressure. But the achievement of solving the puzzle and getting to the top is great.

I've seen kids as young as 3 climbing too, so 7 is a great age to start.

Just an idea!

Thanks Jasnoschi. We have an indoor climbing place which he tried a couple of years ago and was a bit scared. I will suggest it to him to have another go. I definately think that a sport that involves him only competing with himself is the way to go such as climbing. If I explain the puzzle analogy to him he would like the idea of that I think. Is school holidays here so will try to arrange care for littlest so I can take him for another go.

5 maybe was a bit young. Depends on the wall, really. And bear in mind he doesn't have to go up - he can go sideways around the wall spider-fashion! Hope he finds something he enjoys - makes such a big difference!