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Parenting

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Original poster

DS frightened of death and me dying and leaving him - how did you handle this subject?

10 replies

clottedcream · 27/12/2011 22:19

particularly at night my DS nearly 7 gets upset and says he doesnt want me to die and go to heaven as I wont be with him etc... how do I handle this? I have to lie wiht him at bedtime till he drops off and if he wakes in the night I do the same as he is scared :(

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 08:24

Has he had a recent experience of death to make him feel like this?
Has he got a lot of talk of heaven from somewhere?
Are you a lone parent so that you are all he has?
I think the best thing is to be matter of fact and say that everyone dies-hopefully when they are old and their body wears out. Point out that far less people die younger because of advances in medicine. Don't tell him that you won't die, but say that you very much hope to be around when he is grown up and you would even like to be a grandma.
Have you made a will and sorted out guardians? If he knows where he would go it might help. (If you haven't got anywhere for him to go then I would keep off that one).

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 08:26

If it is at night time could it be that he has heard the euphemism 'falling asleep'-if so I would put that one right-people die-they do not 'fall asleep' which is alarming to a child.

Conflugenglugen · 28/12/2011 08:28

clottedcream - Have you allowed him to be there with you and to talk about this and feel what he's feeling without any reassurance on your part? Not because not reassuring is the point here, but because he can then express what he is feeling to you and to himself, and you're there just to listen. Sometimes being able to say the truly dreadful and seeing that the person you're telling it to can handle it - can be there without fear while he is expressing his terror - can work magic.

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 08:32

I think that is the fact that it is a taboo subject that makes it so fearful for children. I have been a widow and DCs have been very interested in the whole subject-it is their parents who squirmed and tried to move the conversation away.

WorkingClassMum · 28/12/2011 08:38

My DD went through a period of this. So we talked about that I will die, but it was unlikely for a long long time. We also spoke about that if I did die, what plans were made for the kids. this seemed to resolve most of her fears

There are several god book for helping kids deal with anxiety and fear - check out Amazon or a good book store

Tillyscoutsmum · 28/12/2011 08:46

DD is very much like this. She is 4. Will watch with interest

SageMistAndSnowflakes · 28/12/2011 08:46

Agree with Conflu. Both my kids have felt the same at similar ages. When I have listened to their fears and acknowledged them it has helped.

Ds in particular needed to know who would look after him if everyone he knew and loved had died. We had a very long conversation with me naming more and more distant relatives and friends as he said 'and what if x died too' over and over again. Finally it got quite funny (to him) and ended up with me saying the Queen would look after him if there was no one else. This very long conversation seem to do the trick though, and he never really worried again in the same way about death.

I do think that it's important to take this seriously though as its a reasonable fear.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/12/2011 13:49

I think you have to handle this one in a matter-of-fact fashion i.e. 'everyone dies but hopefully not until they're very very old and worn out' or whatever words you choose. I also tell my DS that I look after myself and eat healthy food and don't smoke etc., because I'd rather live a long time!!! And btw, even though you take it seriously, I don't think you should sleep with him if he gets upset at night. If you do that, I think that confirms that there is genuinely something to be frightened of. Feeds the anxiety.

Original poster

clottedcream · 29/12/2011 13:26

thank you for your comments. I think it stemmed from the Easter story they were told at school earlier this year...also a trip to the local church with a graveyard - the vicar spoke to them about God and Jesus and they got to draw the church inside and out hence the gravestones etc..

He knows his granny died 4 years ago and he has put 2 and 2 together etc... He is a very thought provoking child and thinks very deeply about things so has obviously thought about this. I did speak to his teacher and say perhaps it would be a good idea to mention to parents if these topics are going to be approached to prepare us as much as them

Anyway getting back to this I have said the following to him:

There is nothing to be frightened of, dying isnt anything to be scared about. I am young and will be here for a long, long, long time so will Daddy etc.. we have a lot of lovely things and times ahead that we are going to enjoy together and you will be grown up and have your own family and I will be here etc...

I have tried to take away the fear but I havent spoken about what would happen etc... Perhaps I need to chat to him about what would happen and who would look after him etc...

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/12/2011 16:09

I wouldn't speculate with him on what would happen if you died if he's blessed with a vivid imagination. Because the 'if' would become 'when' far too easily and, age seven, anyone over 15 is 'old' and if you got hit with a bad cold he'd think you were at death's door. I think - even though you could theoretically get hit by a bus tomorrow - you have to stick to the line that you are planning to live for a long time, long after he's grown up and is a man and doesn't need you quite so much and has children of his own etc. Reassurance in spades and then change the subject to stop him obsessing.

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