I'm a terrible mother....

[VickyandAlistair]

I don't know what I hope to gain by writing this. I don't want judgement, though I know I deserve it. All I know is I did a horrible thing to my DS tonight and I have concluded that I am a terrible mum to him and I do honestly believe that sometimes, he would be better off without me as his mummy.

DS is 14mo old. He's a lovely, beautiful little chap, everyone says so. He's my first child, me and DH's parents' first grandchild, and, as we are lucky enough to still have some of our grandparents with us, their first great-grandchild. He is basically worshipped by everyone. I do love my DS very dearly. Please don't think that I don't.

I didnt want children. I've never been the nurturing type - never imagined my kids names, never thought about how many I wanted.. just never thought I would have any. My sister was born when I was 11 and I just found her to be annoying and inconvenient as I was just beginning my teen years. I never saw myself as a mum.

But that changed when I met DH 6 years ago, he wanted a family, and I could see myself giving it to him, I thought how lucky a child would be to have him as a father. But when I actually got pregnant, I panicked, all those old not-good-enough feelings came back, and I suffered antenatal depression all through my pregnancy. I couldnt even pick up a pregnancy book. And yes, I know that there are many ladies out there who would love to be in my position at that time and sadly can't be. I'm not a horrible person, and I do know how lucky I am.

As I mentioned, I love my son. He is perfect, he makes me smile every day. But God, I struggle as a mum. I really do. I find it so damn hard. And tonight, I lost it with my poor DS. He's never been a great sleeper, which I have found particularly tough seeing as I work full time. He's been ok of late, but has recently had a cold, and has been cutting a molar tooth, and his sleep has gone to hell. He has screamed for 3 hrs tonight. I have tried everything. Bonjela, teething gel, calprofen, cuddles, rocking, walking up and down the hall... as soon as I lie him down, the screaming is back.. we live with some family, we're trying to save for a house, so my brother is in the room next door yelling at me to make DS be quiet. And I cracked. I put my face right up to DS's and said 'why dont you go to f*ing sleep, you little s**t' took him to my room, and put him down on the bed far harder than I should have. I felt out of control. Thank God my DH came in and took DS away, I dont know what I might have done.

Now I feel wretched. What do I do? I do love him so much. But I resent him. My marriage is awful now. It used to be so happy, but now we spend all our time arguing, we are both so tired. We dont make love anymore. We barely spend any time together. Sometimes all I want to do is watch a DVD and have a glass of wine, and DS always needs me, I dont ever get to take care of me anymore.

If you have read this, thanks for listening to my long, obscenely selfish rant. Please dont judge me too harshly. I dont have anyone I can talk to about this which is why I am posting it here.

I am on anti d's by the way, so I dont think this can be postnatal depression.

I felt like this most of the time with the baby and toddler stage with both mine. I really didn't enjoy being a mum and I felt miserable in my marriage.

It gets so much easier as they get a bit bigger, honestly. I put mine into nursery a couple of mornings a week for a break. Could you do this or do you have family who could help? It really is such hard work but for some of us it's a real struggle to get through the day so know exactly how you feel.

I know this is an old post, but I just googled "I am a horrible mother" and this thread popped up. I am in almost the same situation as OP. And I about lost it tonight. My son has been an extremely easy baby up until 8 mos. Now, he wont sleep and screams a lot. Finally, I handed my 9 month old son over to my SO (not so nicely) and through gritted teeth said "Get him away from me. I'm done with him." (And some other things I'm too ashamed to share.) I also love my son more than anything in the universe and am so afraid I could be so angry. It helped to read this thread. I'm always so afraid to lay him in the crib and let him scream, but its better than being angry with him.

We have ALL been there. You are not alone .

Listen to all these mothers, you are not a bad mom, your tired nd need some time to your self, I know how you feel, I'm 25 and I've got two children eldest daughter is 6 son nearly 4, I love them both so much it's unbelievable I'd do anything for them but I struggle so much and I shouldn't because I have shared custody with there dad, me and my daughter have a tuff relationship as she wants her dad's new partner to be her mom and she hates me and her dad doesn't know how to say no to her so I am of cause the bad mom with the rules and the disaplin which of course makes there time with me very difficult, mother hood is by far the hardest job we all have bad days I've sat on the bathroom floor crying before with my ears covered so I couldn't hear the kids because I felt like I was about to explode.

Is there some who could babysit for a couple of days and let you have a little break.

Message if you want a chat xx

I love my children dearly, I would lay down my life for them but there has been many a time when I could've walked away without so much as a backward glance. I have said things and thought thoughts about them that make my toes curl and my hair stand on end. I am not proud of those things but I am human and, like most other mums, I have a breaking point. I bet you will remember this time but he won't. My kids are adults now and when we chat about their childhood they don't remember the things I said in those dark moments (I do to my shame). Try not to beat yourself up Owl, lots of us have been there and talking about it can help

I don't think women talk about this kind of thing enough.

I have three dc and have had these moments with all of them when they were babies. My eldest is 10 now and I still remember the day when he was 4 months old and wouldn't stop screaming - I shoved him on my bed, screamed at him and smacked him on the bottom. He had a thick reusable nappy on and I didn't hurt him but I do remember he looked scared momentarily. I phoned my Dh in such a state that he came home from work. I remember feeling like I wanted to drown myself in the nearby river

Looking back I was ill with PND but I'd always wanted babies and was very broody. I just couldn't understand why it was like this. But my eldest, like your baby, was an appalling sleeper and cried a lot.

He's a handsome, clever 10 year old now. We have a great relationship. I've had two more children. My marriage is strong. So it seems bizarre when I remember those dark, exhausting days. Although I admit that even with my younger ones, there were moments of losing it when they were babies. The difference was, I wasn't depressed. I still felt guilty but I was kinder to myself and saw it as a sign I needed to look after myself more.

It will get easier OP, I promise. Depression fogs everything. But my ds is so dear to me because he taught me how to survive and be strong. He certainly doesn't remember what happened.

Shafron that post has made my heart swell. It means a lot to me personally

You're not a bad mum. Being absolutely knackered can make you do the strangest things, OP. I can remember screaming at my tiny, beautiful baby DD years ago when she wouldn't settle. Like right in her face. I scared the shit out of her and the screaming got worse. I had to put her down and walk away. I felt so, so very close to losing it completely - like totally out of control.

It will get better. Parenthood is fucking rough. None of the smiling, happy couples throwing their children up into the air with delighted glee at the sunny beach you see on the front of all those baby and parent books are real. It's all complete bullshit. The reality is the parents are both beyond exhausted and have driven a 6 hour round trip to the beach in the hopes of knocking the little darling out with some fresh sea air, having exhausted every other possibility

Please don't fret. Every parent has been where you are. The early years are a haze of no sleep, shitty nappies and listening to the same goddamn nursery rhymes over and over again until you feel you may crack.

Repeat the mantra: This too shall pass.

And have some

Thank you for posting this. You really helped me today feel a little bit better abt myself.

Vicky please don't beat yourself up over this, we have all been there and it is sooooooo tough. I know exactly how you feel but rest assured you sound like sa lovely mum who has been pushed to the limits and who has done what most of us do at some point. Your Ds is clearly loved and adored and this episode will have no bearing on him whatsoever in the grand scheme xx

and for you.

You're not a bad mum. A bad mum wouldn't care about losing it. You CLEARLY do.

You're tired, that much is obvious from your post. My DS is a similar age, a couple of months older, and actually a couple of months ago we went through a horrendous phase of bad sleep - damn molars! If we hadn't been able to take him into the spare room for one of us to co-sleep with him, we wouldn't have coped. And it sounds like you don't have that luxury.

It will get better. Your mantra needs to be "this too will pass". And in the meantime - chocolate and wine!

And your brother needs to be told he isn't helping with comments like that.

Ps - I get the whole not feeling maternal thing. I am starting to enjoy DS now, but I hated the newborn stage. Toddlers seem better to me, even if they might actually be more difficult.

It this being used any more

Zombie thread

Oh my, I can relate! I have two DC, both not sleeping very well. DD is 2.8 and for the first 2 years of her life, never slept through. Only started doing that when DS, 4 months, arrived. He's now in the 4 month regression so waking hourly. DD waking twice a night this past week. DH sleeping through it all and I'm slowly losing my mind. I lost it last night at DS and said things I regretted. Hate myself for doing it. But it was 4am, we were on our millionth wake up and I wanted to sleep SO desperately.

Of course you are not a bad mum. It happens. Dealing with sleep deprivation, especially when you're struggling to get baby to bed and your brother weighs in, is torture. I really feel for you. And hope tonight is better for all of us!

Ha zombie thread, only just noticed! Why did it get resurrected??