How important are family for LOs when they're essentially rubbish? (LONG post, sorry!!)

[Jennlx]

I'm going insane and don't know what to do!! I am from Oz (been in UK for 11 years) and my DH is from Ireland. His family are of the Jeremy Kyle variety - alcoholics, violent abusers, drug dealers etc. We mostly stay away from them - most of them don't like us and avoid us anyway (think we're snobs - they think nothing of dumping their kids in the pubs for 8 hours and drinking away...and then driving home). DH's mother (LO's grandmother) hasn't spoken to us after one terrible Xmas when drunk, her partner hit her then attacked policeman and ended up in jail on Xmas eve (ended up being my fault for calling the police after he attacked her - she has never met her grandkids). LO's grandfather is a full-blown alcoholic who turns up occasionally for 30 mins - LOs don't really know who he is (they're both under 2). So, we were thinking of going to Oz for the other side of the family. We're really stressed about the cost of it all and logistics of it and when I have appealed to my family for help (and I have done so very directly), they completely ignore me or give me REALLY vague responses. They're not big 'kids' people as admittedly, they're all older and there are no children in the family. Basically, I think family in Oz would be meeting up for family functions a couple of times a year, where the kids would be tolerated and not much more beyond that. It's a small family and although I remember birthdays and send cards and email and call, NO ONE calls me (when my first DS was born, my Dad texted me saying: 'congrats, sorry -no credit' and that was his sole reference to the whole event - and it was his first grandchild!). No one remembers our birthdays or emails without being prompted (let alone visits us!). So this is the thing: we like it here and would be moving almost solely to have some family for the kids and we would blow our mortgage deposit and all savings getting out there...and for what? Would it be horrible to deprive my kids of family and stay here and get buy with just good friends? I love my friends here - they are amazing - and so much more helpful than family has ever been. But obviously, they have their own lives and their own families...or should we at least give it a go, rather than making presumptions from the other side of the world? (but we still would end up financially broke at the end of it, if it is a waste of time). Any advice/comments greatly appreciated as flights are booked for Oz for 11 weeks away and getting very stressed!!

Can I just check you are thinking of emigrating, not just going for a visit? If it's the former, then I'd say don't bother! Make your own "family" with close friends who can be godparents to dc or "aunties and uncles".

If it's a visit, then yes, go, but I'd see no need to bother on a regular basis!

I agree with SGM - build up your own 'family' of good friends that you KNOW you can rely on and who will enjoy being part of your children's lives. Don't move back on the dream of a close family which won't materialise.

I agree with your assessment that your families are being rubbish.

I wouldn't go to all the stress and expense of emigrating if your family are unlikely to offer the kind of intimacy and interaction you want. Especially if you're happy where you live now.

Definitely go with the friends thing - and if you treat them like family (look after their kids, arrange get-togethers and events for all of you to join in, make a fuss of people's birthdays etc. etc.) you should hopefully get the kind of family love and support you would like in return.

In parts of Africa, children know all people in the village as "aunty" and "uncle" - where there is no biological relation - because that's how the people treat each other and each other's children - as part of one big family.

Yup, we were planning to emigrate. Oh, I like these responses already, thanks! It's just such a guilt-trip with the kids and all....I would hate for them to think later on in life that I deprived them of their family. Although, Jesus, we live in London and there are PLENTY of people who have emigrated here and have no family on their doorstep and do ok, right?

Both your families sound like a bit of a loss, for their different reasons. So don't make any decisions based on being near family! You'll only be disappointed.

Make yourselves a life in whatever place suits you - if you're happy with jobs and location and friends there in London, then stick with that. Your DC won't feel deprived of something they don't have, so long as they have people in their lives who care about them it doesn't matter if they are related or not.

Plenty of people don't have much family, or not that they are in regular contact with, and their children aren't unhappy about it - once they reach school age they will find their own friends anyway!

Thanks for your responses....really put my mind at ease! xx

You're not depriving them of their family. Are you cutting off all contact with your Oz family? No. Are you preventing them from visiting you? No. Are you allowing them to contact you whenever they want? Yes. Are you in any way stopping them from having a role in your children's lives if they want one? No. You don't need to be physically present in the same country. If your family then don't want to show an interest, that is their loss and not your fault.

I think you should look for a friendly community to live in, such as a village (I imagine) or a friendly church with activities for children (if that's your kind of think). Get involved in something as a family and the "relations" that you can rely on will follow, with any luck.