Borderline Personality Disorder , Advice?

[TonyRi]

Hi everyone

I joined the forums purely for advice for me and my family , some of the history me and my partner have may trigger and upset but please try not to judge me as im explaining past events.

When my girlfriend fell pregnant with are first child , we was over-moon , until i started to show signs of anger towards her , i started to mentally manipulative her and physically attack her , social services luckily at the time got involved and had me mentally diagnosed to have Borderline Personality disorder. This all took place 3 years ago.

Within those 3 years ive been in intense psychotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy , within the last year or so. Ive spent around 9 months in therapy dealing with issues from my past and present , the physcologist in charge of my case deemed i was fit enough to be a parent again and that my children where in no danger from me. He wrote out a lovely letter stating my mental state was much much much better and i had engaged very well to the treatment.

Now my partner the angel that she is , had forgiven me for my actions and decided its best we moved forward as a family , now obviously it wasn't going to be that easy , social services stated unless i moved up north for assessment i could live with her , so i packed my things from down south and went up north. We saw a lovely ladie from social services and she assessed us there and then , we then found out she was off sick for 3 weeks :/ So we wasn't kept very much in the loop with all the goings on. They have decided to put this to core assessment and investigate further which me and my partner are fine with.

The issues with have at the moment are people behaving in a very unprofessional way towards myself. I went threw living hell trying to get my mental state better to be a better parent and partner and no one seems to see this. Ill quote a person involved with my partner.

Professional: Has he moved back in then?
Partner : Yeah he has
Professional: Your mental you are for letting him back

I didn't spend all my time getting better to be spoke down to like that , ive taken full responbilty for my actions and the pain its caused my family , there's just no need for it , im pretty sure this ladie involved with my partner will try her best to sabotage everything me and my partner have worked for to get to this position today! Its just the way she deals with us in general.

Another prime example , a colleague of this professional offered me extra mental health support by working with me , but the other ladie suggested it not my wise as she was already working with my partner , yet the ladie offering me support does not worth with my partner.

I contacted my old mental health worker and explained to him what she was doing and he said it was very odd.

The ladie involved is my sons nursery worker , does she really have the authority to stick her nose in when there's no threat to anyone in my house hold by calling social services for updates? By saying horrible remarks to my girlfriend about me! By refusing my extra treatment just because the same organisation works with my partner.

Thank you so much for reading , i really hope both me and my partner can get some support from here.

Sorry to hear you are being treated like this, especially when you have put so much effort into making things better for you, your partner and child. It sounds like this person is being very unprofessional, particularly making these horrible comments.

It's also ridiculous that she suggested you should not have extra mental health support because she's working with your partner. I've worked in mental health for many years and have never refused to work with someone for that reason. I would always make sure people had different workers but wouldn't deny someone the opportunity. You would think she would be glad that you were getting extra support.

It sounds like she's judging you on your past and is reluctant to accept that both you and your partner have changed and moved on. My only advice would be to keep your cool, and not rise to her unprofessional behaviour. Prove to her that you have changed and seek support from those professionals that do believe in you and do really want to help. It may be that you can win her round (or she might just be a negative person who won't change her opnion). Keep a record of what she says and does, as there may come a point where you decide to make a complaint. It may also be worth you and your partner being very honest with her about how she makes you feel i.e 'it makes me feel very offended when you say.............about my partner' etc.

Best of luck anyway. Keep us updated x

Thanks so much for the response , me and my partner both read it but my partner has always had a low self-esteem she said she doesn't think she has the confidence to confront her about the comments she said about me. And if i said anything it might come out wrongly :/ I don't wanna stick a massive spanner in the works.

I will keep you updated , my kids are so happy im home and so is my partner daughter loves me here and so does my son , i cant possibly imagine life without them or my partner.

Hey everyone ,

I have a rather important update , social services have no officially go into a core assessment which was completed last week , it will go onto core group meetings with social services which im fine with as me and my partner have nothing to hide nor do we fear the services for being involved we consider this a good thing in many respects as we both get to work on are parenting skills with them.

However , as i mentioned above with my sons nursery worker things have gotten out of hand again , shes accusing my partner for my son being off nursery and saying its dodgy and it always appears to be in a pattern , my partner has had serious complications with her current pregnancy which include a kidney infection which she was in a insane amount of pain from , thats just one of the reasons why my son has been kept off , he has only been off nursery if it was extremely necessarie , my partner is a amazing mother and always has been she always puts the kids first but once again this nursery worker is trying her best to sabotage our relationship/ relationship with social services by reporting nothing but rubbish to them! And im worried as she seen as a professional this will all go against both of us during the core meetings.

Ive taken the advice and kept my cool , but this can only go on for so long before i start getting really upset and angry , we have both worked so dam hard to get to where we are now , my girlfriends mother even phoned up the nursery to have a go at her , we are still waiting on the feedback from said talks.

Despite the domestic violence between me and my partner taking place 4 years ago , my partners mum and dad have even taken it upon themselves to forgive me , because they know themselves if i didnt want to be a dad and a loving caring partner to both my children and my girlfriend i would of left and packed it in a long time ago , but no im still here and im still fighting the good fight to prove to myself and many others i have the ability to me a amazing dad.

Any advice given will be taken and used , im not here just to rant im here for help from experienced mothers.

Thanks for reading.

Hi TonyRi, I really feel for you and your partner. This nursery worker sounds awful. It must be very stressful for you, but for what its worth, I think you and your partner sound very strong and good parents. Have you spoken to any of the other professionals involved about her? It may be that they feel the same as you (but are not able to say that openly) and they might be able to reassure you a bit? I don't know if she has a manager but it could be worth making an appointment to speak to the manager about this?

I wonder if it's also worth you posting this in some other topics areas on mumsnet as this one seems to be fairly quiet at the moment. There are lots of knowledgeable people out there that may not use the parents with disabilities thread. My thoughts are with you anyway and I wish you all the best. Do come back and keep us updated :)

I agree with flowerflo - it might be better to ask for this thread to be moved - perhaps to Mental Health as people will be most supportive and experienced on there. Be prepared to (possibly) get a bit of a hard time from some people about the DV though - just take it on the chin and keep your cool, and prove you can contain your temper. Don't let the thread get diverted from the advice you are asking.

Also, I understand her frustration but I think you should ask your partner's mother to butt out and not contact the member of staff. I don't think it looks very good on your records if family members start wading in and arguing with childcare professionals who may at some point be asked their opinions by your social worker, and it's important that you and your partner show that you can stand on your own two feet. Perhaps you should ask for a meeting with her and her Nursery Manager to clear the air and see if they have any particular worries - maybe a face to face chat with you (staying calm!) might reassure them. Remember - their ONLY concern is the safety and wellbeing of your partner and child.