Tying myself in knots over whether or not to have another child - please help me gain some perspective

[TeeteringPancakeStack]

I have a DS (7.5) whom I adore. I always wanted two children, but DS's dad and I separated over four years ago. To stop me yearning and obsessing about having a second child, I effectively decided I wouldn't - I didn't know if I could (dodgy hormones), or if I'd meet the right man anyway. I focused on all the great things about it being just DS and me, and moved on.

Then I got together with my partner, who's lovely, and who would have another child with me without hesitation. So my head's all over the place again. The thing is, he has three young children already, from a previous relationship, and they're with us nearly half the time. So if I had a second child, I would really have my hands full. Plus I wonder, with us having four healthy children between us, are we being greedy?

I've thought of about four reasons not to have another child for every one reason in favour! - planetary resources, the economy/job prospects that our kids might face as they enter adulthood, money being tight (can we afford it?), what if one of us lost our job with five mouths to feed (plus our own), having more money when DS was born and therefore being able to save for him to go to uni (wouldn't necessarily be able to do that for a second, and DP doesn't earn enough to be able to save for any of his kids), having to go back to work at the end of maternity leave or midway through (I was a SAHM until DS went to school), childcare costs (I've never had these with DS), DS having all his grandparents and their love and support locally (DP's family live on the other side of the world) ... I wonder if it would be impossible for DS and his sibling to be treated equally, to have equal prospects, which wouldn't seem right. There are more reasons ... but you get the idea!

But a few weeks ago, we went to visit my brother overseas, and met my one-year-old niece for the first time. DS was amazing with her, and I spent most of the visit blubbing - it was emotional seeing him be so lovely, and I was thinking he'd make a brilliant big brother, and I felt guilty not to have given him a sibling. DS has no cousins over here, and won't have any (his dad's an only and my sister won't have children). I worry about him growing up a bit of an island; it might be nice for there to be someone else in the world who shared his childhood (and his mum!), and whom he loves and who loves him, and with whom he can share the burden of looking out for me when I'm old.

I'm 33. I've got a bit of time on my hands to mull this over - but DP is older, so I feel as though we need to make a decision soon either way and get on with our lives, whatever we decide.

I know it's ultimately DP's and my decision to make, but you might be able to help me organise my thoughts enough to be able to make a decision!

Thanks.

Anyone?

Thanks.

How long have you been living with your partner, ie are you definitely past the "honeymoon period"? How much older is your partner? Would you be bringing a child into the world who would have an elderly parent very early in life? How are things when all the children are there? Still relaxed and happy most of the time, or do you spend most of your time feeling at the end of your tether and counting the hours until you can hand them back? Are your partner's three children all younger than your son? Does your partner actively want another child, or is it just that he would be persuadable?

I've very rarely heard anyone say they wished they'd never had their dc. Yes, it can be hard, tiring, sometimes thankless job as you probably know but the gift of children wipe this all clear and I believe people always manage, even if it does mean lots of changes :) If you and your dp want another child, I'd say go ahead.

Thanks for posting.

nonicknamemum, yes, I think we're past the honeymoon phase. And DP is in his early forties - I don't think that would count as being a soon-to-be elderly parent to a new child, would it? He's just nearly a decade older than me, and if he were to have any more children, would want to be doing that sooner rather than later.

When all the kids are together, it can be fun and lovely ... but there's no denying it's hard work, there's a lot of falling out and fighting, and it's intense. And there's so much mess! It's a pretty thankless role and as much as I do my best to be decent and involved with the children (and I think succeed), inwardly, I wish for more peace, more of DP than I sometimes get, more quiet time with DS, and a more settled home all round. So yes, it's not an ideal situation to add another child to. They'd get a lot of love, and DP is great with his children (and my son) ... but it could well be mayhem.

Answering your other question, DP feels as I do: he would like another child (he always wanted four), and feels it would be the natural next step for us as a couple - but he too worries about if it would max us out completely, and make for a family dynamic that's too complicated and too challenging.

Thanks, michaela18a - a completely different, and encouraging, perspective. :)

Hi TeeteringPancakeStack. I agree that early 40s wouldn't count as being a soon-to-be elderly parent, certainly not in my book! Given that both you and your DP both want another child, I agree it would seem a shame not to have one. I can certainly see that it makes the family dynamic more complicated, but given that you are both very aware of the need to treat your children equally, it sounds like you will manage that sensibly. I think it's the parents that show obvious favouritism that do damage.

In terms of financial strain, I would never normally think that someone should not have a second child just because of finances. However, I do think it would be a good idea to sit down and work out exactly what impact another child would have on your finances, in terms of how much disposeable income you would have left after paying for childcare. If things would be so tight that you would inevitably be in constant danger of falling behind on the mortgage/rent and losing your home then I think that should give your pause for thought.

Are your DP's children at an age when one year will make a big difference in terms of how much they can do for themselves? If so, and you do decide to try for another child, is there something to be said for trying in a year's time rather than straightaway. And would you then be able to save some money so you would have some savings you could dip into when things were tighter?

I did think about my first post after I posted and wonder whether I'd been too negative about the idea of another baby!