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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Any psychologists out there? Help me understand my son.

17 replies

redwill · 18/12/2011 20:45

I am at rock bottome with my 3 year old boy (middle child - two sisters). He was born 'angry' he constantly cried as a baby, didn't sleep for his first year, and has been a dreadful toddler. Tantrums over everything and only understanding what he wants. Reward charts dont' work because he doesn't understand 'if you......then this is the consequence' (positive or negative) He wines (or whines?) cries, shouts and says no any time ANY adult asks something of him. I'm a teacher , so not completely clueless, but I've tried everything and I feel like I've nothing left to give. DH and I have done parenting course to no avail although DD1 is lovely and DD2 appears to be also lovely. I've been to drs twice suggesting ADHD or similar and she says no because he can sit and focus but also there is no inbetween Health visitor and refferal . I'm desperate to talk to an expert about him (not health visitor - been there done that) but I don't know where to find one!!!Please help me I'm really at the end of my tether.

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ll31 · 18/12/2011 20:56

You have my sympathy that you seem to be having hard time but tbh you sound very negative about him - I don't really understand your comments about your DDs - one is lovely and younger one appears to be lovely...

I think you do obviously need to try and get some help but maybe to help change your attitutde to him as well as help him.

Is he going to playschool or anything like that - how is he there?

ll31 · 18/12/2011 20:58

sorry just realised how negative I sound there - again I hope someone turns up with some better advice than me..

Original poster

redwill · 18/12/2011 21:01

sorry I meant that dd2 is only 1 but she is a very happy little girl. At pre-school they don't appear to have any issues with him which is why GP says it can't be ADHD . Thanks for taking the time to read...

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oathkeeper · 18/12/2011 21:01

I agree with what the above poster has said.

He sounds like a normal 3 year old from what you have said, and you sound very negative.

Do you think it may stem from the fact he is a boy and your other two children are girls?
Do you ever have any time with him, just the two of you? Are you ever able to just enjoy him?

thisisyesterday · 18/12/2011 21:02

redwill, have you ever tried keeping a food diary?

my 2nd child was also a very unhappy baby, and it was becasue he had a milk intolerance and was just realy grumpy cos he felt shit

might be worth a try? and if nothing else it rules out another possible cause

MrsShrekTheThird · 18/12/2011 21:12

it's awful when you think you "should" know - am also a teacher and sometimes we simply are too close to see what's going on. It does sound more than a little bit like there's something but soooo hard to figure out what. Would also go for TiY's idea of a diary - but also extend it to behaviour, major events and stuff as well as food. It could help you spot any patterns if there are any, ds1's AS, allergic to milk, (and yes we only found out when he was nearly 2yo and had been permanently ill, health visitors etc effing useless!) I know a few kids whose behaviour is sent into orbit by random stuff like bananas, particular sweets, colourings and cheese - not all in the same child I hasten to add!!
Be patient with yourself, and if indeed you sound negative I must say it's clearly out of frustration with yourself (and perhaps to a degree your ds) and is completely understandable. It may be worth looking at what he responds to, but ffs I'm sure you've done every trick in the book esp given your education background. Good luck :)

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2011 21:27

I have 3 DC. Two are lovely. One was born angry. Nothing to do with them being boys/girls.

redwill, your post came across to me as factual, not negative.

Some children are more hard work than others. There will be a reason he finds life more difficult (and therefore you find him more difficult) but no one on an internet forum will be able to tell you what the reason is.

For what it's worth, I took my "difficult" child to a cranial osteopath at 2.5 (I was desperate, and didn't know what else to try), and he was calmer/happier afterwards.

Marne · 18/12/2011 21:31

I would be asking for a referral from the gp (refuse to leave until they agree), dd1 was just the same, she was my first so i thought it was just my crap parenting skills, i couldn't take her anywhere, she would cry and moan at everything, was scared to change her nappy as she would scream until she was sick. Eventually the gp referred us to a paed and after 2 year we finaly got a diagnosis of Aspergers, she's now 7 and is more controlable now we know its not our faults and she cant help being a PITA.

TheRealMBJ · 18/12/2011 21:47

I agree with Lynette (and others). Insist on a referral. I am convinced that mother's are right when they think something is wrong, even if they can't put a finger on it. If he is 'difficult' it is totally understandable that your relationship would be strained, this does not mean you life him less or that you are a bad person/parent. Just that you are a human.

Fight for a referral, keep a diary, I would do food but perhaps a sleep diary too.

Good luck

heliumballoon · 18/12/2011 21:56

I got help from the psychologist attached to my local children's centre. Could you phone your local CC and ask what, if anything, they offer?

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 18/12/2011 22:01

Hi redwill, I'd consider ASD rather than ADHD. My DS had a similar profile and was diagnosed with Aspergers at 5. Go back to your GP, ask to see a different one if posisble. Take a list of all of things you are concerned about and ask for a referral to cahms.

Out of interest, children with HFA (high functioning autism) or Aspergers can behave worse at home as they feel safe there. They are aware that the world seems to be operating with different rules to the ones they understand, but are bright enough to try and fit in, but the effort is stressful and when they are back home and "safe" In our case DS was fine at nursery as its an unpressured environment, but had real problems when he moved to school.

You may want to post in the SN topic as there are a lot of posters with a lot of experience with the behaviours your describing.

nannyl · 18/12/2011 22:03

just a thought but have you tried cranial osteopathy?

My baby is only 3 months old bit has undergone complete personality change since a cranial osteopath took away what was probably a constant headache.

she went from being one of the most difficult fretful, unrelaxed babies i have ever encountered (and as a nanny of 10 years i have known alot) to one of the most relaxed / chilled /laid back / un-upset-able babies ever... now nothing phases her at all. (unless she is hungry / tired)

ok she is young but it was like someone flicked a magic switch so worth a try?

KwaziiHunt · 18/12/2011 22:17

My immediate thought was cranial osteopath too.
Worth a try? If he has been angry since birth, maybe he's been in pain?

MrsShrekTheThird · 18/12/2011 22:52

Barf - was thinking AS too, sounds precisely like my ds1 who i did mention in my post further up, but a tad less directly at expressing my thoughts than you You tell it like it is and none of that waffly crap that I go for :) AS / ASD of the nature we're used to is hideously difficult to diagnose or point to (even if there are clear markers) until at least 5yo, and we went round in ever decreasing circles finding all the ways that ds1 wasn't typical of ASD before arriving at the fact that quite obviously, in not the blindingly stereotypical ways, he was very Aspie. Haven't tried cranial osteopathy but we do use a lot of head and face massage, kinesiology, and all sorts, esp as he's now 11.

Original poster

redwill · 19/12/2011 08:39

Thank you everyone for your positive help and advice, I can't tell you how helpful it is to get some advice not in books. For the record my 'negativity' is simply down to being at the end of my tether, some children just push you to that point, it certainly isn't linked to him being a boy...I was thrilled to have a boy.
If anyone thinks of anything else I'd be very grateful to add you list to the points. Thanks everyone

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Willowisp · 20/12/2011 23:33

I just want to add my support. My Dd now 8 was born angry, red angry face when she was, probably had a headache as she was a ventouse birth .

I also don't think you are being negative, just very honest.

The only thing I can add really is watch what you feed him, ie no junk, no processed food. And try giving a snack every couple of hours, Dd is vile, absolutely vile, if her blood sugar drops. The fruity oatcakes seem to do the job here.

Parasaurolophus · 21/12/2011 08:59

Psychologist here...

I don't think you sound negative, rather just at the end of your rope. I also suggest that you demand a CAHMS referral from your GP. It is too soon to really consider ADHD, but there could be other things going on. Most children are pretty similar in that they want to fit in and be liked and get on very well in normal social situations. Some kids want what they want more than they want to fit in and get on well with others. Those kids need a different approach, and a psychologist should be able to help.

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