horrible thoughts

[lowra]

Wasn't sure where to post this or to post at all.

DD born 9 months ago, I can't imagine my life without DD. Like all mums I think she is just the best thing in the world.

However since she was born I have at times been so overwhelmed by my feelings. I almost feel like the love I carry is too much to bear. I live in fear of something bad happening to her and feel like this risk overides the good things IYSWIM.

A couple of days ago she fell from a standing position and hit her head on the carpet. Her head was a couple of centimetres from the edge of the stone hearth. I usually cover the edge with a mat but it must have slipped. Since then I have felt physically sick and like a failure for a mother. What if she had cracked her head and died.

I have made the hearth safe now with edging and double checked that everything is baby proofed. I keep getting visions of her little head cracking and I feel teary and sick constantly.

Are my feelings normal? I worry constantly about her. What if she gets ill, what if she is bullied etc. I know I should just enjoy DD but I can't get these thoughts out of my head and after 'the accident' it's 10 times worse.

I'm so sorry if this post is insensitive in any way to anyone, but I am driving myself crazy with these thoughts. Does anyone else feel like I do? I know I should be grateful and I am but :(

When DC1 was three months old we were driving down a motorway and I asked Dh, 'Do you think it's normal that all I'm thinking about is how best to protect DD if a car crashed into us.' He said that that was the way he thought all the time.

I've since discussed it with my bf and she says the same Her husband thinks she's crazy but he is an intensive care nurse so is used to ealing with life and death every day and sees things differently.

Feelings of over anxiety are also one of the symptoms of post-natal depression but if you aren't otherwise worried about your mental state, I would say it was at least reasonably normal.

Yes your feelings are totally normal. You are definately NOT crazy. I was the same way, I once clocked DS1 on the back of the head with a bottle of elderflower cordial as I was taking it from the table to the cupboard, I could feel his skull and the glass crunch. He screamed and he was checked out and was fine. I think the hardest thing it to try and relax and think these things are going to happen no matter how hard we try. When DS2 was about 3 he were walking hold hands and I let go of his hand for a second to blow my nose and he tripped up and scrapped the side of his face on a brick wall!

These incidents don't make you a failure as a mother, every mother has felt like this at some point I am sure. You just learn to trust and let go a little bit at a time. You have to stop the 'What If's' in your head or else you will go mad. Don't worry about the future, think only a few months or a year ahead. My two are now 4 and 9 and someone said at school the other day 'You are an experienced Mum' yes in one way because they are older, but you soon forget as they move onto the next stage and you concentrate on that eg: moody 9yo ds at the mo! You just need to learn to deal with the hear and now, so seloptape the blanket to the hearth and they you no longer have to worry.

I still have moments from time to time, DS2 having his first swimming lesson the other week, my heart was in my mouth, I had to stop myself from knocking on the glass that the in pool instructor was not watching him when he was.

Your daughter is fine now I presume, so just chalk it down to experience and move on. You can't beat yourself up about it forever, not good for you or her. I closed the car boot on DS1 aged 9's head last week, he was furious and I felt terrible, but it was really dark, windy and rainy and I thought he gone in the house already! He was totally fine. These things happen no matter how hard we try.

Latrucha thanks for your reply.

My mum lives about half an hour away on the motorway and I take DD there about once a week. I get so anxious about the drive. I have spoken to DP about this and he says he feels the same about the motorway.

I feel reasonably OK about my general mental state. Maybe this is what happens when you become a parent, you are never the same again.

Thanks carocaro, yes DD is fine now. She is out with DP. I have just phoned him to tell him to be careful driving home because it's icy

When ds3 was 17 he went on his first holiday alone with friends,one of them died falling off the balcony.I remember sat in bed a few days later wishing id never had any children cos the worry was all too much.I thinbk its just a cross we bear along with the stretch marks and lack of sleep

So glad you posted this, since my DD was born (she's 1) I've cried so many times thinking what if this happened, what if that happened etc. I was thinking of seeing my GP about it as it might be clouding the joy I should be feeling.

I'm the same too, I sadly even think that if something did happen to her and she died, I wouldn't be able to live because I would have to be where she is to look after her.

I'm not otherwise concerned about my mental state . I have just never had to deal with a really awful situation losing someone close to me and I don't think I would be able to cope, but I know many people do.

I think this is normal, but also if you are finding yourself worrying more and more, and worrying about worrying, then maybe you should talk to HV or GP. Seeing danger everywhere is part of being a protective parent, but if the thoughts start to dominate your life and stop you enjoying anything at all, then it maybe worth thinking about whether you may have PND. I had these kind of thoughts with DC1, but with DC2 it got to fever pitch and I began to lose sleep due to anxiety that I couldn't protect her and something dreadful was going to happen due to my inadequacy. I finally accepted it was depression and was prescribed ADs (not prozac type as I was BFing), and within a week everything became so much less threatening. Remember this is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it sounds like you are doing your very best.

Yes this has happened to me a lot, especially when I was suffering from PND. I used to constantly check the front door was locked incase an intruder came in and hurt her. I would check on her all the time when she was asleep to see if she had stopped breathing.

Now she has just turned 2 and I still get the occasional intrusive thought. The other day she slipped slightly when climbing into her carseat (I encourage her to get herself in as I am pregnant with back problems). All I could picture was her hitting her head on the driveway and cracking her skull open. I always stand right behind her, and if she fell I would (and did) catch her without hesitation.

The thing is, if something bad does happen, you may panic but it's likely you will manage the situation. DH dropped DD when she was about 15 months. She fell on her head and passed out cold for several seconds. I absolutely panicked but I managed to assess her myself when she came round and make a sensible decision about how to get to hospital and what to do with her (I'm a trained nurse) It was a thousand times harder to deal with my own child but you come into your own because your instincts kick in.

I'm the same. I constantly imagine awful scenarios. DH thinks I'm over the top. But check out my thread on AIBU about the paracetamol. Clearly I am not worried enough or taking enough responsibility!

I remember even thinking i tabout myself. Suddenly it mattered much more that I didn't get knocked down while crossingthe road etc.

My bf and I decided that it was the one thing we'd tell new parents (in the right context) as no one ever says it. Literally, we decided on, 'It's ok to think terrible things,' which is why I answered your post.

I have always had dark thoughts and anxiety, from childhood, and has got worse since becoming a parent. When am OK can keep it in check and dismiss the worries, but when am exhausted, stressed or overloaded it can get more difficult to manage.

Today I was at a 4yo party, children in fancy dress and an open fire right by the table with all the party food on, no guard, kids running about, squeezing past to get to the food, I had horrible visions. No-one else seemed worried.

DH is a true optimist, and does things with the DC (eg encouraging them to go high on things in the playground) that I wouldn't be able to , but even he has these thoughts. Comes with the territory.

Think it will get worse as the DC get older, as the older they are the more they are independent and do more stuff, can't keep them away from the world etc. terrifying!

Ledkr, that's so sad about your DS's friend

Yy latrucha, I worry that something could happen to me /DH or both, because of the impact on the DC.

You are me! I am trying hard to get better. But I am a hyper parent according to DH. DS 18mo was very ill at 10 months and had to be rushed to A&E. He is ok, but the paranoia I feel at the start of each cough/fever is hard to describe. I often say I gave birth in june last year to an invisible twin called anxiety and it's a constant presence between us.

So nice to read this - I too feel like this about DS who doesn't help by being an incredibly adventurous and fearless 15 month old, constantly covered in bruises.

I was sitting with him last night before I put him to bed, and he was just resting his cheek on mine and I had to bite back tears as I love him so much.

I feel strangely comforted that I am not alone, although I suspected as much.

This near miss has really shook me up but I'm going to try and be calmer and more level headed about everything, but it is difficult.

Thanks for your replies everyone

Three words - welcome to parenthood!!!

Thank you for posting this thread... It's made me feel much better that I'm not the only one. And as dozer said, it gets worse when they get older in a way, because you have to let them do things without you. dd is 2.5 so I've got over the 'cot death/ getting dropped her on head' thoughts, and am now suppressing the 'runs in front of a car/ gets snatched from the playground' thoughts... I can't imagine ever being able to let her get a bus on her own or walk home from school :(

Having said that, if you find that it is consuming all your thoughts or becoming overwhelming, then you should see the GP and they can maybe refer you to a counsellor or prescribe something

Good luck and big hugs... You're obviously a brilliant mum and that's why you care so much :) x