So if you don't do naughty step, sticker charts and other forms of bribery I would like some advice.

[practicallyimperfect]

DS is 2.3. If you don't do all of the above how do you get them dressed, in the car, into bed. Everything is met by total meltdown. Getting dressed is a big thing. I have tried singing songs, making it a game, letting him choose clothes. He just runs off and I end up wrestling him screaming into clothes. Or I bribe him with his advent calendar which works, but not my.proudest moment.

I really don't want to go down the sticker chart route, but not sure what else to try.

What do other people do with their toddlers?

I think we are just quite lucky that DD is quite biddable - realise that doesn't help you a great deal, sorry just trying to think what we do. At that age the talking hand helped quite a lot - she would obey Mr Hand but not me and does still sometimes ask for Mr Hand to do stuff.

Getting dressed - if all else fails then putting the telly on so she's hypnotised or just saying, fine, we'll go out naked/in pyjamas/etc depending how far we've managed to get. With the right tone of voice (ie slightly hysterical ) I've found anything can be used as a threat eg "Right! That's it! You're not going to wear your boots then!" "Right! That's it! I'm stopping the car!" etc.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen is a fab book.

DH and I are old fashioned. We shout, We send to rooms and horror of horrors we've been known to slap legs and hands.
We share lots of hugs and laughter and lots of love too!
I parent as I was parented and cannot abide seeing parents at the school gate standing watching their little darlings run riot.
Do I have sullen, miserable down trigger children. Er no, I have a pair of confident spirited cheeky, try anything, I was going to say little, but DD1 is taller than me, monkeys.
They even behave beautifully at school.
DHs influence not mine I was clever but very naughty.

Make your morning routine consistent - we come downstairs, the children watch some tv and play while I have my shower, then it's breakfast. Post breakfast I help them get dressed (having laid the clothes out they'll be wearing ahead of time - giving choices makes it take longer IME), do teeth and we're out of the door. It helps having the structure of having to be out by a certain time - if it doesn't really matter what time you leave then the process can take forever. I don't let them watch tv or play until they're dressed - a good incentive!

I have found that it helps to present this as a good choice for the child to make, "let's get dressed now we can get on with X (fun thing)" praise any efforts the child makes to help/get themselves dressed without being over the top about it. Above all, don't get upset with him if he doesn't comply initially - simply point out that it's his choice and if he wants your help he needs to do it now, then walk away and do something else if he still won't do it. If he doesn't get attention for acting up in this way then he'll eventually give up and just do it. Consistency is good, do the same thing every day. ALso try to change your expectation - if you expect him to misbehave he probably will, assume that he'll comply and he may (eventually!) do it! Good luck.

Talking about the rules - but keep it very, very simple, and aim to do it when they're not in the middle of a meltdown. When DD was 2.5 we used to write the rules down and that seemed to impress her (not that she could read them, but it made them more permanent-seeming). Actually we should do more of that now.

Czech parents/teachers who follow the no-rewards approach seem to use "that's not what we agreed" a lot - they're also very emphatic about the standards they accept - "I don't like that" and "that's not done." It's language that sounds a bit fey in English, but it works in Czech...

Children are capable of understanding these things at an early age, IMO. But you have to stick to the same phrases and make sure the child really understands what they mean. Yesterday I was telling DD, who's nearly 5, that "if we make an agreement you have to stick to it" and she said "what does stick to it mean?"

That said, sometimes you just have to pick them up.

Having re-read your post just realised i only focused on the getting dressed element - we are having the same problem with the car seat with our youngest, if she goes rigid and won't bend to sit in her seat I start to laugh and swing her back quite vigorously and forth counting 1...2...3 - on three i plonk her in the seat and do the straps up as fast as i can - usually she starts to giggle about being swung and forgets to make as much fuss when she does get in. She's only 19 months and is desperate to move into a group 2 seat, clearly she's nowhere near ready to but she does get in such a paddy about it!

Agree certain stock phrases are useful. And not asking them to do whatever it is you want them to do - just assume it's going to be done. Eg saying 'it's time to get dressed' is far more effective than 'will you get dressed please?' or 'now I'd like you to' do whatever.
And rather than 'don't do' something, saying 'we don't do' the thing works better.
None of these things is likely to miraculously effect a change first time, but if you keep consistently applying you'll start to see the behaviour you want.
And be prepared for an apparenr dip in behaviour the first few days - he'll be testing to see if this is really the way things are now, but will be much calmer and better behaved if you stick with it.
I think most of this sort of stuff is in the 'How to Talk..' book mentioned before.

i explain, fairly simply, why he has to e.g "we have to go out to buy food for your lunch. you have to get dressed so we can go out". or i just insist he does what i say. i have found my very strict teacher voice and he knows i mean it. don't tell him to do something unless you are absolutely going to make sure he does exactly what you say he has to. he knows who he can mess around with, who won't put their foot down as hard as me so a lot of the time it's "do you want me to do it or mummy to do it?!"

if he's being really bl**dy minded ("i won't i won't i won't i won't!!!!!!") then i say "i'm going to count to 3 and if you don't do, i will do it for you. for some reason he will do anything to stop me counting to 3!

Yes - when I said "talking about the rules" I also meant simple explanations of why DD has to do something.

I think keep it simple and keep it consistent are the two main things. It doesn't equate to watching while your children run riot - that's another approach and not one I'd agree with.

A lot of it is to do with expectations, imo. In the Czech Republic (where I live) there are high standards of behaviour for children, which parents insist on regardless of the methods they use. Some smack, others use "Respect and be respected" methods (the Czech equivalent of How to Talk etc.) but children by and large behave in public regardless, because they're expected to.

I quit the reward and punishment cycle 2yrs ago, my view being that you do it because it's the right thing to do, not because you will be paid/taxed.

A lot of talking, keep it simple for littlies (like yours) and a bit more involved as they get older.

This is what we do at breakfast/bathtime/to get dressed etc and be consistent.

Encourage them to describe their own behaviour e.g. "What have you done?" child answers "I got dressed by myself". You repeat, "Yes, you got dressed by yourself. Well done!"

It has been magical for our family. The children self-appraise beautifully and also appraise each other, the upshot being I have less and less work to do!

But it doesn't happen overnight and your child is only 2. Lots of repetition & consistency, and count the successes. At first 3 a week maybe then in a year, 3 or 4 a day.

Thanks. We do have a strict morning routine as I work full time, so we have to be out on time. That is part of the problem I think, he knows I am going to work.

I don't normally give choices, but introduced it because I thought it might help.

We do a lot of the above and also use the 'thinking step' or 'thinking space' for our 2.5 year old. This basically means they have some time out with me to consider their behaviour, what they have been asked to do and why they need to comply. It works quite well .. attrition of difficult behaviour by boredom...

i found harvey karp's book incredibly helpful for dealing with/instantly defusing toddler tantrums... it's called 'happiest toddler on the block'...

basically at the point where the 2 yo dc starts shouting that they don't want to get dressed, you narrate back to them what they're annoyed about, so you say 'oh no, you don't want to get dressed! you feel angry! you're shouting because you're cross! you want to carry on playing!' - i know, i know, it sounds ridiculous, and you'll feel like an idiot the first few times, but honestly for me it was an absolute revelation, and it pretty much seems to stop tantrums in their tracks on my younger two kids despite them having very different personalities. literally within a few seconds of you 'acknowledging' how they feel, they just calm down and let you get on with it. it's like magic.

I don't really know, tbh.

We just get on with it and the dc run along so they don't get left behind...don't really pay too much attention to tantrums, give some warning as to what will be done by when and if they have not willingly submitted by then manhandle them into clothes/car seat/whatever.

Oh, and agree with mrsravelstein, acknowledging what they are likely to be feeling really helps things along.

mrsr - that's pretty much the premise of 'how to talk' too - it is like a children's magic charm. If you can be bothered to do it :o

The other thing I do is having a race 'I can put more of the cars back in the box before you can' (and then you let them win). I find 'quick quick we need to get dressed so we can be at the bridge before [random child] - shall we try and beat them?' also works quite well. Although a lot of the time I resort to shrieking because it comes more naturally

Natural consequences works. What happens if you don't make him do the thing he is refusing to do? Just shrug and carry on with whatever you need to do?

If he won't get dressed, it will be time to go out and he'll still be in pyjamas. And it's cold out there.

If he won't have his seatbelt put on, the car won't start. And mummy will sit in the front reading something on her phone and it will start to be very very boring.

etc. Although you may have to get up a bit earlier ...

Not showing that you mind that he is having a tantrum helps too. Being very calm and matter of fact as you pin him to the floor and wrestle him into his clothes. I think I read that one somewhere - "say it once, say it again, make it happen". So "its time to get dressed!", short wait, "put your clothes on now", short wait, pin him down and wrestle the clothes on. But don't shout, complain, tell him off, discuss it at length etc. Just do it and then move on.

christine, i found it worked so quickly that it wasn't a bother, was a lot quicker than letting the tantrum run its course... the only thing was making sure dh and other family were on side with it and understanding what i was doing, because the minute you get cross back with them it just fuels it.

it's a great book with lots of good techniques that i find myself using all the time now, but the 'narration' technique is a stand out one

Thanks. I do generally ignore tantrums, but find it almost impossible to pin him down and just dress him- the boy can kick!

I will give some of these a try.

mrsr - oh yes, it's a lot quicker but it feels a lot easier to do the whole AARRGH JUST DO IT FFS!! stuff

Agree Happiest Toddler on the Block is a great book - it's a bit like a toddler version of How to Talk.

I was thinking about posting a similar question... Finding it very tricky with my very defiant 3 year old at the moment. I have How to Talk, must read it.