Can't tell if I'm bonding with 5week old DS

[Flowerydems]

This is probably going to sound silly but I'm needing to get it off my chest, I don't know f I'm bonding properly with my DS. I know that I want to keep him safe and don't want anything to happen to him but I just can't tell if we've bonded. Everytime I think this though I feel so guilty cause I should feel all these overwhelming loving feelings towards him and I can't tell if they're there yet and worry that not feeling it means something unspeakable's going to happen.

I know it is probably ridiculous but I worry that he's not going to like me and that if he doesn't it'll be all my own fault. I worry that he prefers DP to me cause im my mind he's happier when he comes home from work (don't know if I'm imagining it)

I don't know if all this is because my birth didn't go at all to plan (failed induction led to Emergency Caesarean and led to baby in ICU which led to me stressing out and failing to BF, and I'm nearly crying reading this cause I feel like such a failure) we also moved the weekend I got out of the hospital as I was in there 5 days with the EMCS and baba being in ICU so I had to move to a new place where I don't know anyone and didn't know where anything was in my own house. On top of all this I got an infection in my womb so have been on anti-biotics which have made me feel like poop :( Feel like I'm having to put my smiley face on all the time aswell cause my inlaws are really close by so MIL takes to coming round pretty much everyday so don't want them to see that I'm feeling a bit down in case they think more of it than it is.

Don't know if anyone has had this same feeling but I needed to get it off my chest as poor DP has had to deal with it and feel like it's not been fair on him.Sorry for such a long post.

x

When my DCs were 5 weeks old I was swinging between feeling overwhelming love for them and wanting to throw them out of the window. I'm not sure there is one right way to feel. It's a huge upheaval, plus all the hormones plus the tiredness etc etc. I believe the fears something will happen to him if you don't bond or the guilt or irrational (sorry) suspicion he prefers your DH or that he won't like you when he grows up...it all fits PND. Do have a chat with your doctor.

Oh, and please, pleae don't feel like a failure about the BF. You had traumatic birth, be easy on yourself. And tbh, even if you just decided to FF it would not make you a bad mother or a failure.

Sounds like you've had a pretty horrendous gruelling time tbh - I have no experience of this but I think it might be an idea to go and see your GP to rule out PND.

Please don't think you have to paint on a smile, blimey you've been through the mill and it sounds like you need some tlc.

Why do you feel you have to put a smiley face on for your MIL - could you confide in her a bit about how you're feeling?

Hope things improve for you.

Bless your heart, you sound exactly like me! My DS is 4 weeks and 2 days. I have found that continually talking to moaning at my dh really helps. I think I had built everything up and expected floods of love and emotion etc then wondered why they didn't happen immediately. In all honesty my birth went to plan and i am bf successfully so I don't really have an excuse as such - which actually makes me feel worse. It's just a difficult time in so many ways and I am accidentally being very practical - e.g. sleep routines, feed times, constant googling of the best way to settle him, what he should be doing, what I should be doing etc etc. DH and I have decided that relaxing is whats best for all of us and although this doesn't come naturally to me I am making a big effort to try and let go of some things and stay away from google - especially during the 3.30am feed! I am trying to give more cuddles and to believe that showing him affection and holding him 'too much' will do no real harm and wont mean a lifetime of clingy baby and no sleep. I also felt a pressure to be happy happy all the time coz my mil and sil are actually addicted to him and would be very shocked at any hint of doubt from me. It all came flooding out to dh during a night feed with me in floods of tears but I'm so glad it did now and being honest is actually really helping and stopping me from trying to force anything.
I hope your dh is as supportive as mine but if not please feel free to pm me - I am probably as much in need of support as you are and I am more than happy to listen/share feelings, rants, emotions the lot!!
Please take care of yourself, however feels best for you, and if you want to cry then do it.
xxx

Don't worry about bonding this early on.

This will sound facetious, but so long as you've bonded by the time your child is 5 years old, you'll be fine. 5 weeks old is very very early.

FWIW I didn't bond with my son until he was over 6 months old. Now I dote on him completely and couldn't love him more.

Don't worry about it. Relax, heal mentally and physically. It will come.

op I had a EMC and a baby in SNICU for 5 days with my 1st.

Lets look at this one thing at a time-

Your health and well-being. You need to stop doing anything other than just feeding, cuddling and sleeping with your baby. Have a baby moon, stay in bed, get convenience food, DVDs, lots of cuddles, lots of you and baby time. Look deeply into those little eyes, let yourself fall in love. Eat well, drink plenty. Forget the housework.

MIL- if you like her coming round, great. If not, get DH to limit her visits. Make sure she is helping you though, is she cooking, cleaning? Do not let her bamboozle you.

Your birth....well it is a shitty thing, and I felt like a total failure. I remember just before they put me under saying to my DH. "I'm sorry I couldn't push". I felt so crap afterwards, just really negative and focused on the birth. A very good friend said this to me "maybe you should start thinking how lucky you and your DS are having survived it all, rather than dwelling on the awfulness of it all" Now it was blunt, and in no way am I negating your right to feel sad and cry, but you have a lovely little baby now to love and cherish.

Try not to analyse what your feelings are too much. You have had a major operation and trauma. You need to give yourself a break and just take it easy a bit.

I can totally recommend having a bath with 4/5 drops of tea tree oil in it every night and taking arnica tablets too.

The worry you have tells me that you are a very concerned and loving mum. Congratulations.

Gosh, your post really made me want to come to your house and give you a hug ... And I'm not a hug person at all!

Please, please don't worry about bonding; it doesn't always come instantly but can grow gradually. ESPECIALLY after a birth that didn't go to plan and the shock of being a new mum. It took me ages to feel bonded to my eldest son and now our bond is wonderful and no different to my other children with whom I did feel that instant bond.

Also moving is one of the most stressful things to do and you did it at the same time as becoming a new mum and you say you are away from those you are close to. It all sounds hard and stressful and it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

Your hormones and emotions are all over the place, you are probably tired and still getting over the birth so try to be kind to yourself. TRY to relax with your MIL she may be more support than you realise ; this is easier said than done, I also have a somewhat reserved relationship with my MIL. Could you invite a close friend (preferably one with children) to see you and chat honestly?

Try not to think about things too much, your thoughts will be all over the place, you are doing fine and feeling normal for a new mum x

It does sound like PND Flowery, you should definitely try to talk to someone about it; my DS is 7 weeks old and I had an EMCS as well and failed to bf and felt terrible about it for ages. I was in floods of tears pretty much everyday for the first 4 weeks and my DP had to go to working part-time as I couldn't cope. I felt completely overwhelmed and useless, and guilty because I resented my DS a lot of the time and was just going through the motions looking after him. I felt he could see through me and knew what a bad mother I was. So I know how you feel and totally sympathize with you. I can honestly say it was one of the hardest times of my life. I also kept going over and over the birth in my mind, unable to move on from it.

Anyway, a turning point came when I broke down in front of the midwife at my discharge appointment and confessed everything. She listened and it was so good just to tell someone (I, like you, didn't feel I could tell my DP and burden him with everything, and he was bonding so well with DS and adored him so much). She got me to go straight to my GP and I had a long talk with her and she was very sympathetic, she reassured me that it was very common to feel like this and things do get better.

Only three weeks on from this the change has been immense, I totally agree that the love you feel for your child may not be instant and may come on gradually. I look at my DS now and am more overwhelmed by love for him each day, but he was a stranger to me at first. We still have our good and bad times but the first step was acknowledging my own feelings and knowing that it's ok to feel like this and not to feel guilty about it. Please talk to someone, just let it all out, your GP/Health visitor will have heard many many new parents that have felt the same. And take it one day at a time, things will get better I promise (I wanted to punch anyone who said this to me a couple of weeks ago but it's true!)
I think there are still a lot of hormones circulating to make you feel bad at 5 weeks so go easy on yourself.

It sounds as if you have had an awful time.

I had a CS and was in a fog of drugs and tiredness when our daughter finally arrived and TBH didn't feel much at first but through caring for her and getting to know her that's all changed now (15 weeks!) Be kind to yourself and try to enjoy this time as much as you can. Congratulations!

Your post has freaked me out a little Flowery.

Because not ten minutes ago I was reminiscing upon DS's very early babyhood and my worry that I didn't love him enough. I knew I wanted him safe and warm and fed, but I didn't feel that bond that every other mother seemed to feel. Which in turn made me worry that i'd made a huge mistake in becoming a mother and that my life was always going to be miserable. To be fair, you had a traumatic birth, you've had a lot of upheaval and you've not been well. You're no doubt knackered. The arrival of that tiny person turns your life upside down in ways you can't even imagine before you have them.

But one day, your DS will do something and the realisation that actually, you really do love this little bugger will hit you like a brick.

Hang on in there. Your baby is still so new. They're better when they're not so, well, boring.

You do sound as if you had a dreadful time.

IME (and I had a really easy labour, birth and no problems with feeding or post partum recovery), the main question in the first 3 months was whether we were all still alive at the end of the day. It took a while for me to feel great love for DS, mainly because 'survival' took all my energy.

You say "I know that I want to keep him safe and don't want anything to happen to him". That sounds exactly my definition of bonding.

You don't need to feel overwhelming loving feelings for love to be real. I imagine you don't feel like that about your DP all the time, do you? But you still love him.

Moving house is supposed to be one of the two most stressful experiences in life so it's no surprise that has made things worse.

Try to be gentle with yourself - you need a bit of TLC and not to beat yourself up.

How Mothers Love and How Relationships Are Born looks like a really good book. I've not read it myself yet, but the author's previous book, What Mothers Do (Especially When it Looks Like Nothing) is the best book I've ever read on motherhood - very realistic and affirming (not a 'how to' book at all). You can read quite a bit of How Mothers Love online on Amazon.

Flowery - you've been through a traumatic time, please be easy on yourself.

I understand how you're feeling - I had an EMCS followed by a terrible time trying to BF, plus she had some health issues which meant that the first few weeks of DD's life were a whirlwind of appointments, visits to the BF clinic and me being stuck to a breast pump, rather than me being curled up in bed cuddling my daughter as I had imagined would happen. I had a breakdown at her 8 week check and the painted smile and "I'm fine, I'm coping" facade broke - and from that point things eventually got better. I went for counselling at the local PND service in the end and it did me the world of good.

Having a baby is the most life changing, overwhelming, shocking thing - and when it doesn't turn out how we thought it might, it can turn everything upside down.

It sounds to me like you have pnd, but please talk to your health visitor and doctor. Keep talking to your DP, and keep posting on mumsnet (I found it, and still do find it, enormously helpful).

Don't worry about bonding - I don't think it's something that happens in an instant, it comes over time - and the fact that you're concerned about it in the first place shows what a great mum you are, and how much you love your baby, even if you're worried that you don't. 5 weeks is so early. I worried about bonding too - I would say I have definitely bonded with my DD now, but I couldn't tell you when it happened. It came over time and when I stopped feeling like a failure of a mum, I think. It will come to you too.

Please talk to your health visitor or your doctor about how you're feeling, and please don't think you're a failure - you're not, far far from it x

My 10 year old just stomped into the room and asked for a stapler and stomped out again. Ten years ago, when she was eight months old, we were just getting to know each other. Ten years and seven months ago, I was contemplating her in panic!

Sweetie, like everyone says: focus on getting well for the moment. Bonding - building a relationship with your child - takes time IME. It builds and it grows. In all honesty, five week olds are a bit, well, limited, aren't they. Give it time for your baby to start smiling back at you and laughing and then talking and you find that a relationship is there, that your child and you have 'bonded'.

There was a lovely thread a few months ago where people were sharing when they really fell in love with their children. For some it was right from the word go. For some it was when they started to smile and interact. For some when they started to get an established personality. For some when they started to talk. I think I realised when my son was about 5 months that I just adored him and the most amazing bond was there. So there is no right answer about bonding, I think at first there is all the instinctive stuff about wanting to protect them, then the unconditional love part grows more gradually from there.

You are doing great after a traumatic time, please don't worry that your DS prefers anybody else - you are his mummy, he knows your voice and your smell and you are the centre of his universe at the moment. As soon as you can, I would recommend getting out there to meet some other mums. See if there is a baby group nearby, check out your local children's centre. It really helps to be able to talk to people.

'Bonding' is another one of those things that you're supposed to do like 'blooming' when pregnant or 'serene' when getting married. I think there is far too much pressure to feel a particular 'right' way in various circumstances and far too little recognition that we are individuals and that we might react differently and that it's still very much valid.

What you have there is something very special. A new person. And, like any other person you've only just met, you'll feel closer to them the more you get to know them. What happened during the birth may be colouring your view or you may just be looking to rationalise why you don't feel the way you've been told to feel. Relax, stop worrying and get to know your baby and relate to them in your own way.

Like everyone else has said, it takes time to fall in love with your baby. He's a demanding little stranger, its only biology that makes him yours to begin with.
I cried about something every day for a couple of weeks after my son was born, and then one day it hit me all of a sudden just how much I loved him, and then I was crying happy tears of love.
Look after yourself, and get your husband to have a word with his mum - you and your baby need time to yourselves.

Also, my son who is 4.5 months definitely loves his mummy, but always has bigger smiles when his daddy comes home/enters the room.

I felt exactly the same about my DD & found it was a lot easier to bond with her once she started smiling & interacting with me. Suddenly she seemed more like a little human being, rather than a crying angry little bundle!

Trying to think back to when my DS was the same age and i think WillSingFor Cake is right. Like you i would have done anything to keep him safe, warm, fed etc. but it probably wasn't until he smiled and began interacting and i saw a personality emerge that i knew we'd bonded. Then it was like a light bulb going on. At that age you're still in the throes of coming to terms with being a new mum, which is pretty consuming. Added to the rough time you've had and i'd say it's probably pretty normal. Give yourself more time and if you're still feeling the same way in a few weeks speak to your HV. Incidentally despite those early doubts i never suffered from PND, my DS is now 13 mo and it's like i've known him all my life - i can't imagine life without him and certainly don't know what i did with myself before he arrived!

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thanks for all the responses it was so moving to read them (I cried after reading a lot of them, think it was just so good to hear I'm not alone)

Thought I'd let you all know that I'm feeling so much better now, finally feel a proper link to the wee man and that me and him have a proper connection now. Think it is mainly because of his hospital appointment, he has talipes and had his first casts fitted last week. Seeing him in discomfort like that just made me realise just how much I really love him and the fact he was able to be comforted by me meant everything to me!! :) Plus when the nurse was saying he was being a big girl cause he was crying while they straightened out his foot to cast it nearly had me jumping across the bed to slap her showed me how much I cared (I obviously restrained myself ;) )

But thank you all so much for your input and I do think that I probably should have gone to the HV to voice my concerns but I just didn't want to bring it up in case she thought I was incapable of looking after him. Plus MIL has finally started to back off a bit (not enough but still better than it was) as I've pointed out that if he doesn't get used to me comforting him then I'll have to start calling her at 4am to comfort him. He was left alone a bit after that

He has been smiling this week and I can't wait to spend all the time I have with my wee boy.

Happy Christmas and a Happy 2012 to you all.

Such a lovely message to read Flowerydems - i'm so pleased.

I remember my DS's second lot of jabs. He was smiling away at the nurse as she jabbed him with the needle 3 times. Only on the 3rd jab did he start crying and i swear i could have murdered her for hurting my baby - even though i knew it was for his own good!

Really, there is nothing in the world like a parent's love. I never imagined all those months ago how strong it could be and it really took me by surprise once the realisation hit me that yes, i could be a mum, and yes, i would gladly die in a heartbeat for my son. And it just keeps getting stronger. To coin a cliche - it's a marathon, not a sprint!

All the best for you and your gorgeous little boy in 2012.
x

Glad you're feeling better. I remember the day I realised that I'd 'bonded' with DS. He was 3 weeks old and I had to hand him over to anaesthetist for an operation. I told the poor man that if anything happened to my baby I would hunt him down and kill him like a dog. And I think he knew I meant it...

Hi glad you're feeling better, you have nothing to worry about. My birth story andbf probs were almost exactly the same as yours, I was crippled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt and my confidence as a new mum was none existent. I struggled to bond although I knew I loved my son and would do anything to protect him. Felt like my life was in tatters, I was unhappy.

Fast forward 18 months and my amazing toddler and I have a mega-strong bond I know I am a great mummy, my confidence has grown in leaps and bounds. You've been through a lot but it will all come good, you sound a fab mummy. In the meantime, be a little selfish... You need time to recover and rest with your baby. Try not to do housework and maybe tell visitors not to come for a while? Best wishes to you x