toddler and newborn - need reassurance that it will get better

[rhetorician]

DD1 is 2.11 and DD2 is 10 days old. DD1 is a lovely kid, but quite anxious in a quiet way and I think she is having trouble adjusting. I'm sure it's all perfectly normal, but I feel very frazzled by it. We are a same-sex couple (not that this is relevant, really - at least I don't think so) and she is used to having a lot of attention from both of us. We are doing the various things that people advise - making time specifically for her, involving her with the baby (whom she likes), being clear about not hurting the baby, keeping as much of her routine as we can. Bedtime is a particular flashpoint and she said today that she misses both of us :( almost broke my heart. I am short of sleep and probably on a short fuse - I did lose it with her a couple of times today over disobedience of various kinds, not eating her dinner etc etc...

any advice? hand holding? DD2 sleeps a good bit and is breastfed...

My dd1 is 2.5 and dd2 5 months. It took a good while for my dd1 to stop being jealous and effectively playing up to get attention. She has slowly got better and is now more loving towards dd1. The toy thing makes me laugh as every time I get a toy out for dd2, Dd1 says that's mine lol....

DD1 is 3 and DD2 3 months. It is starting to get a little easier so hang in there. DD1 is a sensitive soul and found the crying of the early days difficult to take often resulting in poor behaviour. She's also just doing what 3yr olds do - becoming a stroppy madam - it would probably have happened anyway. DH has become her property and I am not permitted to do anything for her if he's there.

I tried to make sure DD1 had my attention whenever DD2 was sleeping in the early days. We did lots of baking which she loved and we had lots of biscuits to keep me going when people called round! I also fed DD2 through bedtime stories so that she didn't scream. Stickers and rewards have also had a big effect on reducing the arguments especially at bed time as she had started to demand a wee every 20 minutes knowing we wouldn't ignore that sort of demand. We had tried negative consequences with no joy but stickers turned things round within a night.

it does get easier, I've got a 2.3 year gap between mine, and dd (the younger of the two) didn't sleep a full night until she was well past 1 so for me the first year was pretty tough. But now they're 2 and 4.3 things are definitely easier. I can't promise they won't still fight, mine do like cat and dog. Every toy dd starts to use ds insists he had first. And whenever I sit down they both pile on my fighting for a cuddle first which turns in to a massive bundle. But, just occasionally, they start playing together for a whole 20 minutes and have some real fun which is brilliant to watch.

I realise it's not much comfort for you now to hear that 2 years on I'm just starting to find things easier with my 2, but really I think once you get in to a rhythm things settle quite quickly. I don't think they get easier for a while, but they get better first iyswim.

It gets better. DD and DS are a bit over 3 years apart. DD was not impressed with us for her little brother's arrival but fortunately took it out on us and not him. It was never physical but she demanded my attention when she knew she couldn't have it. 21 months on she still can do the pestering thing, and interestingly it switches off instantly when DS goes for a sleep. But it's definitely easier.

The tiredness really doesn't help, I know. Drink lots of water (helps with bf and the tiredness IMO). Keep giving DD1 lots of cuddles, attention and reassurance. Don't make it all about you - make sure your DP spends time with both DDs too. I found it easy to be tempted into over compensating, and it took a while for DD's relationship to get back to where it should be ie equal focus on and from both of us.

Good luck, it does get better!

thanks dragon, sausage and headfairy - it has been better today - I stopped talking about the baby to people all the time, and tried to acknowledge her feelings (sometimes it's hard being a big sister etc etc); both DP and I spent a good bit of the afternoon playing with her, and we had a very normal day. It took a while to get her off to bed, but much better than in recent days...

Yes it does! It gets so much better that it's actually amazing!

My DD1 was 1.10 when her sister was born and the first year was hard work. Not impossible, but really, non stop and not that rewarding in terms of their relationship.

Practically as soon as DD2 turned 12 months it was like a switch being flicked. They are best friends now at 3.3 and 18mo - they run around holding hands, kiss and cuddle. It's amazing.

Hang on in there, it's early days right now but so much lovely stuff to come.

Congratulations on your DD2 btw!

Rhetorician... I had the opposite problem. Ds was so articulate and chatty that most of the time dd was forgotten in a corner... poor thing.

There is pretty much exactly 3 years between my DD1 and DD2. When DD2 was about 2 weeks old we started referring to her as DD1's baby. It was accidental the first time, but she was so chuffed we carried it on. The bond between them almost instantly improved. DD1 was much less resentful (or even silently sad) about losing some attention. And she still calls her 'her baby' which is pretty cute.

It does get better, honest :)

Mine had the same age gap as yours, and fir the first 6 months it was alot of work.
I ebf baby did not sleep through and I was permently exhausted and fed up.
I was often annoyed at dd1 for not being grown up enough even though she was still a baby herself at 2.
Bear with it, expect less from all yourselves and enjoy your special time together.

Mine are now 3.10 and 19 months who love each other dearly and play wonderfuly with the odd bickering moment thrown in!

I still get tired and short fussed but am now able to concentrate on myself and have several hobbies.
Bliss :)

butterfly thanks for posting that - it is getting better, and we've just realised that DD1 has had an ear infection brewing which has been messing with her sleep, appetite and mood. We've started treating it and things are much better - DD1 is eating again (scoffing down roasties tonight) and sleeping properly - these things really really help

My DD1 was 16 months old when DD2 came along. I think she was to young to care, but she loved her instantly & was really careful with her. All you can do in the early stages is work as a team with your partner & split your time equally with both of them between you & keep encouraging her to help you with small baby care related things so she feels part of it all. Also does she have her own little baby so she can be a mummy aswell? Its only day 10, she's still adjusting. It will get better :)