DSD hates me and DD wants to spend more time with her dad

[pamperedpooch]

I started seeing a counsellor about 2 months ago because (following a thread on here actually) I realised that enough was enough and I needed to sort out my feelings about motherhood before they started to affect my DD. I didn't enjoy being a mother at all and never had done. The counsellor has helped me a lot and I can now see that a lot of the irratation I feel towards DD may stem back to the irratation I felt towards my sister when she was born.

That aside we have also been exploring other things that have happened through my life and although I felt better at first I now feel a lot worse like it's opened up lots of old wounds that I would really prefer to have kept stitched up.

Anyway I have started drinking a lot (lunch time drinks with friends, 2 large glasses of wine and a bottle of wine a night most nights. On a Friday I will drink a bottle of wine in the afternoon at my desk then another bottle when I get home). I have lost control of my eating habits (I was keeping to a strict 1000 calories a day and now I am bingeing).

More recently my step daughter has decided she hates me and there is a horrible atmosphere when ever she's around (half of the week) and to top it all off my DD (5) has just told me she doesn't think it's fair that she spends more time with me than her dad and wants to split it more fairly because she misses him and prefers his house (apparently it's more cosy and warm and happy)

My DP and I have a wonderful relationship and have recently been discussing marriage but now with my DSD hating me, DD wanting to live with her dad, me drinking too much and probably getting fat - it doesnt feel like the happy time it should be.

DSD chose to go to her Mum's house rather than decorate the Xmas tree with us for the first year ever this year. And DD and I ended up screaming at each other becuase she wouldn't take a glass out to the kitchen.

I'm not sleeping properly and I can't concentrate at work. It's all a big mess, and now my counsellor has gone away for 4 weeks as she has an emergency operation.

I don't know what to do to sort out the situation with my DSD. She thinks that I am the reason her parents argue and she thinks everything I do is pathetic. She doesn't want to spend time with DP if I'm around so I have to go upstairs or out else he won't get to see her (my idea, not his)

I'm dreading Christmas and feel like a visitor in my own house.

I'd start with DSD. You really haven't got to be that bothered where she wants to decorate Christmas trees, what she thinks about parents arguing and you mustn't let her see that you're upset or she'll push your buttons even more. Certainly don't disappear upstairs in your own home just and let some stroppy child (teen?) push you around - that's not on.. With a five year-old DD, very simply she does what you say and the living arrangements are down to you, so that's a 'not up for discussion' item.

What you can definitely influence are your drinking habits. Alcohol is a depressant, will mess up your sleep and your concentration and, of course, long-term it's going to make you physically ill. 1000 calories a day was never enough for a grown woman in the first place ... eat an adequate, varied diet or lack of nutrition and lack of energy will also add to your problems. Somewhere between 1500-2000 cals a day is normal... and you can't sub booze for food and expect to stay healthy.

Finally... where's DP in all this? Sounds like he needs to read DSD the riot act and also back you up with DD's behaviour. He also needs to support you in giving up alcohol. Think time away from your counsellor may actually be a good thing. Good luck

Thanks, I told my DP last night how bad I feel about everything. I feel like all this business with his DD has really knocked my confidence. I feel like I'm being judged on everything I do and say. he says it's ridiculous for me to spend time away or upstairs but doesn't really know what the answer is.

I just don't want to be responsible for him not having a relationship with his DD as she hates me so much she doesn't want to be near us.

I guess you're right about the food. I just felt so much more incontrol when I was being "good". I think I'll ask him if we can have a dry house until Xmas as it would help if I couldn't drink at home.

The only people responsible for the relationship between a father and his daughter are the father and daughter. She's being very unrealistic expecting you to somehow disappear. And it's only when he makes it very clear that 'I will not be bullied.... pamperedpooch is part of my life.... get over it' that the behaviour will stop.

I think the only person judging you is yourself, quite honestly. And I think lack of assertiveness means you're avoiding tackling matters where they really lie and seek to turn them back on yourself as being somehow your fault - hence the escape into alcohol and the desire to control food. The main issues, as I see them, are the two kids in your life. Tell yourself at all times.... 'I'm the grown-up, I'm in charge of them, they are not in charge of me'... and start putting your foot down. You're entitled to do that.