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Parenting

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Original poster

smacked my almost 3 yo DS y'day evening for the 1st time, feel awful, how would you have handled this?

23 replies

mssjk · 07/12/2011 11:44

My DS, 3 in Jan, is generally v good, but can be stubborn & challenging at times (like all, I know!) Y'day eve I was giving him his shower, he wanted to wash himself. I said fine, you can, but I'll help you to make sure you get a proper wash. He started a bit of a tantrum "I do it; no, it's me" etc. which rapidly escalated and he started hitting me. I told him to stop hitting, tried to remain calm and explain again that I wanted him to get a proper wash but tantrum was now in full swing and he was past reasoning with. In short... I smacked him on the bum. I am against smacking. I feel like I lost control of the situation and feel awful. He came into our bed last night in the middle of the night, hasn't done that in a long time, and I can't help thinking the two are prob linked. Any tips on how to calm a tantrumming child? How would you have handled this? Other point is, he is v talented in pushing out his bedtime and I have been really trying to speed up evening routine recently to try to get him to bed at a reasonable time. My brief thought before "the slap" was, don't have time for a protracted reasoning/letting him get it out of his system.
Sorry, bit long.

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buggyRunner · 07/12/2011 11:59

I would have stopped the shower- lifted him out and dried him. No messing- take control as soon as he starts having a tantrum (and youve gone past the distracting stage)

To be honest if he's trying to push his luck at bed time- stick to a strict routine- ie 1 story then kiss then lights out (if thats what you do)- Tell him that this is the plan (my dd went through a stage of drawing it all out ''mummy I want this blanket/ toy/ another story/ drink''. We now ask her before she gets in to bed to choose story/ teddy/ no choice on blanket.)

I found it was her way of stretching things out. Since dd2 arrived in August we had to put a more strict routine in and it made things so much easier and dd1 is happier.

Also if nights are getting harder- could he be too tired- then try putting him to bed earlier.

It is really hard to keep your cool- they are so cute for a reason! Dont be too hard on yourself

pinkyp · 07/12/2011 12:03

I agree - they are cute for a reason. Always remember your in charge, like the above poster said you tried reasoning with her but it didn't work so stopped shower etc. Later (when dc is calm) explain why she had to get out of shower and if she'd of listened etc...

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 07/12/2011 12:06

in theory, i would have got him out, wiped him quickly with a flannel, chucked a towel at him and let the tantrum run its course. afterwards we would have a chat about hitting=end of shower and time out.

in reality i would probably have shouted like a fishwife and reached for the sauvignon

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princessj29 · 07/12/2011 14:05

I'm against smacking too, especially because you lost any moral highground you had about telling him not to hit when you hit him! My daughter is 4 and has never hit, it is something she sees other children do and feels is very wrong, equally she knows I would never ever hit her. If this were my child in the shower, I would have turned the shower off, explained while they were still naked and getting cold that if they didn't let me clean them then there would be no bedtime story that night (or whatever else works for you to take away) and that I will only listen to what they want to do if they listen to what I want to do to do (i.e. let me do it, only if you let me do it too.) If they continued to be stroppy, I would take them out of the shower and follow through with whatever I'd said I'd take away, then if they were still stroppy I'd leave them to it and tell them to let me know when they'd calmed down.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2011 15:43

I'd have done what you did. Explaining etc., is all well and good but once they're hitting you and out of control I say the game changes and very often a short smack stops the thing in its tracks. You're not happy with how it turned out so it's not something you're going to repeat too often but I would say don't worry about it.... your reaction will make him think twice about lashing out in future. You can now legitimately threaten a smacked bottom and he'll take you more seriously. That is not a bad thing.

plipplops · 07/12/2011 22:26

I like to think I'd have turned off the shower but in reality have done just what you did maybe two or three times. The one thing I'd definitely do (and have done in similar circumstances) is once the shower is done, explain that next time I'm going to be totally in charge and she's not allowed to wash or rinse herself as I can't trust her to do it properly herself. That made showers much more boring and she quickly got back in line. If you're pushed for time, with mine I'd tell her she had five minutes (or whatever) and that if she didn't wash and rinse herself properly in that time then I'd do it. If she still didn't behave she'd have to have baths for a couple of nights.

In general though I think that either totally ignoring the tantrum is the best way. Occasionally if we're out in public and she kicks off I'll sit her on my knee and hold her tight, and she knows I won't let go until she calms down. This only works because she's a v titchy girl (she's 4 but a good head shorter than most of her class), not sure what I'd do with a strapping boy.

Hang in there.

Original poster

mssjk · 08/12/2011 15:56

Thanks everyone. Some good advice. For some reason sometimes it just doesn't occur to me that I can change tack, like in that instance not finishing the shower. Not like it would kill him to miss a wash for one night! Anyway, I'm determined it won't happen again. Your responses have helped, thanks again.

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 08/12/2011 15:59

Honestly? I would have let him wash himself. I know he may not gave done it as well as you would like but he just wanted to be independent. Pick your battles I say!

Besom · 08/12/2011 16:10

Start the whole thing a bit earlier so he can wash himself? Easier said than done I know.

desertgirl · 08/12/2011 16:17

princessj, you don't actually believe that all children who hit have parents who smack, do you? OP may well never have done so before.

usualsuspect · 08/12/2011 16:19

I would have let him wash himself tbh

EmmaBemma · 08/12/2011 17:06

mssjk - I posted nearly an identical thread about a year ago now - very similar situation, not involving a bath but big ticks for the time constraints, the tantrum, and the child-on-parent violence (!) that precipitated the smack.

Like you I felt terrible and replayed the whole sorry situation over and over again to work out what I could have done to stop it getting so heated - but sometimes events just take over and you just can't think straight. I know the trick is to stop things getting heated in the first place, but I honestly believe that's not always possible for everyone. Anyway, I'm glad you've found this thread helpful and I hope you're not being too hard on yourself.

Gargula · 08/12/2011 20:09

As other people have said - I would probably have just let him wash himself, but I would have been hard pressed to hold my temper if I was being hit. Sometimes we just get pushed to that point.

Princessj: "explained while they were still naked and getting cold" - that to me is a physical chastisment which is just as unpleasant as a smack.

flamegirl77 · 11/12/2011 18:23

Cogito I don't think threatening further smacks is a good idea, the OP says she doesn't believe in them so it would be an empty threat apart from any other considerations.

OP, don't beat yourself up, onwards and upwards.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2011 20:20

The child wouldn't know it was an empty threat. In the power-struggle, dirty-tricks and empty threats are 100% acceptable...

MyBaby1day · 12/12/2011 00:13

i messaged you.....hope you're both o.k.!

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 00:25

Yes - I would have let him wash himself. If he has a shower regularly it's not going to matter if he doesn't get "a proper wash". DS is scared of showers and just has baths, so if he was hitting me I'd have moved out of his reach, but I don't know whether you need to hold them in the shower or what? But would have moved away (but stayed in the bathroom obviously!) and stopped the shower if he wasn't co-operating, because TBH if they are playing up near to bedtime, the best thing you can do is hurry up bedtime - they're probably overtired.

Also, you say him pushing bedtimes is a theme in general - could you try making bedtime earlier and then bargaining with him, I have said to DS in the past that he can have 15 more minutes playing and then go straight to bed with just a cuddle, or he can stop playing now and have his usual 3 stories. Usually I end up letting him play for 10 minutes and then reading one story. Although 3 is quite young for extracting it to "if you don't co-operate tonight I won't let you have the extra playing time tomorrow" to work, so perhaps not.

Deargdoom · 14/12/2011 19:00

I'd have let him wash himself but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm against smacking but don't beat yourself up too much about one incident.

princessj29 · 15/12/2011 10:57

Desertgirl - No, I'm not saying that all children that hit do so because they get smacked. I was pointing out that OP now has no room to ever criticise their child for hitting because their child knows that their mum hits too. And unfortunately, it is common to hear parents telling their kids that if they don't behave they'll get a smack, the child then hits them, the parents smacks them back to chastise them for hitting - I just don't see what it solves.

Gargula - Yes, getting cold would be chastisement but is better than a smack. They can stop getting cold by doing as they're asked, blackmailing with the threat of a smack is a whole different story.

dribbleface · 15/12/2011 21:21

bless you. i smacked my ds1 3 years yesterday too. he spat toast at me and i smacked his hand. I'm not proud of it but it happened. he doesn't seem emotionally damaged by it. in fact he's been an angel today. I've just promised myself to pick my battles and stop him before things escalate.

desertgirl · 16/12/2011 13:36

princess, I am basically with you in terms of smacking but I don't think our comments are remotely helpful in this context. Anyway there are lots of things I tell my kids not to do that I do myself - drinking wine, for example - kids are perfectly able to distinguish between adults doing something and them doing it. Lots of us grew up in the days when smacking was acceptable and still managed to learn not to hit.....

desertgirl · 16/12/2011 13:37

sorry that was supposed to say 'your' comments.

thunderboltsandlightning · 16/12/2011 13:41

I was wondering what the problem was with him washing himself too. What's a proper wash? If he's under a shower he's going to get pretty clean anyway. Basically you're telling him that he's not competent, which even to a two year old might be somewhat upsetting.

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