Selective Mutism

[princessj29]

Hi, just looking for some advice about my 4 year old daughter. She has always been classed as 'shy', for the first two years of her life she only spoke to me. She now has a group of people she'll talk to - myself and my partner consistently and her grandparents after getting used to them when we/they visit. She attended nursery for 7 months when she was three and didn't talk to an adult once, o...ccasionally to children. She has now been at nursery school everyday since september and has not spoken to any of the adults at all, though she talks to the children if no adults are listening. She will not speak to anyone in social situations, she puts her fingers in her mouth and looks very awkward. Occasionally she will nod or shake her head in response to questions but most often she ignores people completely and comes across as rude. She hates being the centre of attention and being sung happy birthday, as mentioned below. She talks non-stop at home and is frustrated at situations at school, she'll come home and tell me about something that happened (i.e. getting pushed over) but can't tell a teacher. She speaks of wanting to talk to people and says 'maybe I will when I'm older.' I'd thought her behaviour was because her father and I separated when she was two and she had witnessed him being abusive to me and though she has improved a great deal since then (talking to people other than me/other children, nodding and shaking her head at people etc) I now feel it may be selective mutism. What do you think? Does anyone have any experience of selective mutism? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

What do your nursery say? They would be in a good position to advise you, and provide a referral for help if needed.

Not quite as severe but my dd2 didn't speak at nursery for months. She would nod or shake her head, that was all. Also a
Chatterbox at home. I was gentle but pretty firm in the end - insisted she could whisper if she couldn't speak...eventually she did whisper. Then, like you say about " when she's older" we just all assumed very loudly that of course she would speak once she was 4. By the time she left they were all astonished, if was like a differenc child. I was happy because they were at last seeing how bright and funny she was :) and no relapse when she started school, which I was worried about.
In her case j think it was a control thing - nobody can make you speak,can they.
Not very helpful but at least you know others have been there

DD1 was just like your DD. There was no particular reason for it. No traumas. We didn't have a diagnosis, but I do think she did have selective mutism.

You could go to the GP for some advice and possibly a referral.
We chose to do nothing. Gradually DD spoke up just a little bit more. I think she was in year 10 at school before she really spoke much other than at home and with her small group of friends. Like your DD adults were the problem for her and she did come over as very rude. She just simply ignored people when they spoke to her. She got herself a voluntary job at this age and started making some new friends. She was still shy and even now at 18 is quiet in some situations, but I am incredibly proud of her and proud of her achievements. Although she is shy it doesn't hold her back and she is very happy to go into situations where she doesn't know anyone. She has a paid part time job now as well as a (her third) voluntary job. She opted to go to a college where she knew no one. She has good friends. She got great GCSE results, has high aspirations for her future. She has a huge number of extra activities and interests (sometimes too many, but that's another thread). One activity that we really encouraged was martial arts. We felt it was important for her to be able to physically stand up for herself, given that she struggled to speak up. She still goes and has a black belt. She teaches the lower grades now too.

I'm droning on now. For us it worked well to do nothing. Obviously, we kept a close eye on things, but we felt that she was doing OK and just watched and waited. I'm not sure that's good advice, but equally, I didn't feel that making a fuss about it would have worked for our DD.
Good luck!

Have you watched 'My child's not perfect'? You can watch it on ITV player. There was a child on the programme who had selective mutism. It was very interesting. I think the second part of the programme is next week.

I spoke to the SENCO at her school about 6 weeks after she started there. Her teachers agreed with what my daughter had told me that she'd never to spoken to any adult there and said she sometimes would nod or shake her head, or hold up fingers to represent numbers if they asked her a question, or point to an answer but no words and that sometimes she would ignore them altogether but look uncomfortable when doing so, as though she wanted to answer but couldn't and as though she knew she was being rude. The SENCO simply said it was 'strange', I told her too about my daughter not having spoken at nursery before but she didn't offer any advice. It was only when watching the 'My Child's Not Perfect' programme as mentioned above that I realised that there could be more to my daughters 'shyness' than I thought. I have made a doctors appointment for Monday and will see what he says.

Sounds like a good plan, good luck with the gp. Might be worth asking the senco specifically if she thinks it's a problem or not (or how long they would give it until they offered further help)?

Sorry can't do a long reply tonight as DS2 is poorly and I'm exhausted.

But DS1 is 4 and has selective mutism. He started school in Sept and things have gradually improved.

When he started school the teacher put no pressure on him to talk and taught him some basic sign language. He gradually started whispering and now talks to most of people in his normal voice.

Anything you want to ask me please PM me and I'll try and give more detail tomorrow evening. Also its worth searching through the old posts as I have posted before and there are some interesting older threads on SM.

Hello Princessj29 - First of all do not blame yourself or family circumstances for this. My daughter had this condition from starting pre-school aged 3 (now just 9) and gradually came out of it at age 6/7. My husband and I are extremely happily married (18 years), he has grown up children from his first marriage (who were in primary when we met) who have always been part of my family and we now have grandchildren too and all get on extremely well and hubby and I have come from large families too with cousins galore etc!

In our case I am 100% sure it was the shock of starting pre-school as that was when it started. All those new children as we live in a quiet semi-rural area, but she always loved pre-school and joining in and having happy birthday sung to her, never in the least bit clingy or crying when I left, that just didn't happen so it was all so odd! She could only talk to our son (2 years older but mildly autistic), her dad and me, not even any other family members so in some ways she more severe than your daughter.

It was heart-breaking for me as her mum though and I used to cry in bed at night and feel so alone, even with a loving family. At age 4 I would go to your GP and ask that she is referred to a specialist, they will probably come up with speech therapy which I wasn't happy with at first as my daughter, no doubt like yours, could speak perfectly well. But at least it brings them to the attention of the professionals and they may start a programme in pre-school or school in reception like they did with my daughter where the other children talk with her into a tape machine or whatever they come up with. No doubt you have tried this but never try to force her no matter how frustrated you feel. It is quite a rare condition and I could never find any support and people in a similar situation but fortunately never felt like it was our fault or that people were blaming us so that is at least something. They could see she was a happy child otherwise, her laugh was infectious! My daughter is still a quiet child in school and on family social occasions but that is just her shy nature and I do still feel for her in some situations, especially school but that is life and I feel so lucky that she did gradually come out of the selective mutism relatively early on, though it felt so long at the time! She has just turned 9 now but I have seen programmes where children still have it in their teens.

Good luck with it all but do go to your GP soon and get the ball rolling. Where do you live? I am South Manchester and if you were near I would gladly offer support.

Hello, thanks so much for your replies. The GP said that he was not too concerned because my daughter is so outgoing and independent when with me. He said that he believes she uses her refusal to speak as a defence mechanism because she witnessed her fathers abuse of me and is wary of people as a result, which I'd thought myself. He said to go back in 6 months if things haven't changed. In the meantime, my daughter and I are going to be make a photo book and write some things down to give her and her teachers some starting points for conversation which hopefully might help things. Fingers crossed!

There is a selective mutism resource book by Maggie Johnson and Alison Wintgens which you may find useful (even without a diagnosis)...it contains loads of strategies and advice which you can share with School.

In terms of professionals, CAMHS can provide support to deal with underlying anxiety (which selective mutism is associated with). Speech therapy is also useful in supporting communication skills in a wider context.