feel left out.

[aimzbub22]

hi i just thought i would ask. i have a beautiful 6 week old girl who i love so much. i love taking her out into town, playing with her, bathing her, everything with her. but my problem is i would love my partner to Help out a bit but i don't know whether i am being wrong about this.
he works 9 to 5 while i am currently on maternity leave until next year, when he comes home he cooks my food, and then plays his games console. if Emily cries i have to Help her. if i ask if he can watch her for one second while i go to the toilet or make a drink he will but as soon as Im back he is back to his game. when he goes to work, i always write myself a list of what i plan to do in the day and he always mentions tidying, which i try and do but i cant leave Emily for more than 5 minutes before she gets bored and i have to be with her. then when he comes home he complains that the house isn't tidy yet i explain that i have done all i can. i cannot remember the last time he changed a nappy. i just feel depressed and alone. not post natal depression i know that but i am turning to friends when i wish i could be turning to my partner but i feel i cant. am i asking too much. Im not asking for 50-50 but just some help. am i just being silly about this?

Wow, I'm quite shocked to hear your story! Of course he should be helping you!!! He may well be working 9-5, but so are you! Just because you're not doing your hours in an office doesn't mean it takes any less focus, energy etc. With regards to the tidiness, our health visitor once said she'd be much more worried if our house was spotless than she is with the place looking a bit chaotic, since a tidy house suggests you're not spending as much time dealing with your baby as you should.
Is your partner your baby's father? Your partner sounds a bit like a guy who has difficulties accepting someone else's child as their own and feel a bit resentful towards it...
You have no reason whatsoever to feel like you're more responsible for her than he is. It is probably hard for you to try and alter the dynamics between the two of you, but you could start with little changes like telling him instead of asking that you're going to the loo, and if things need doingyou could give him a choice: Do you want to deal with Emily or take out the bins? etc...
I sure hope you'll be able to assert yourself more and get him to be more involved! You shouldn't have to be like a single mum when you live in a two-parents household! I'm sending you a big electronic hug :)

hi OP. I'm guessing this is your first post, so welcome. Just as a note of caution, generally on here people don't use their child's name, but DD or DS (dear daughter / son). First of all, congrats on your beautiful new baby girl. Second of all, assuming the guy you are with (DH= dear husband, DP= dear partner) is the father then absolutely he needs a crash course in parenting. What happens at the weekends when he isn't working? Does he contribute then? There is a recurring theme here at mumsnet about the idea that dads' role is not one of "helper" but "parent". You may be the main carer during the 9-5 working week but that is your JOB and you are just as entitled to time away from it as he is from his 9-5. Assuming this is his daughter, does he not want to get to know her and how to care for her? what if there was an emergency and you couldn't be there? I sense from your post that actually its not so much that you want time off as you want to see what it is you actually DO, so maybe one weekend day, absent yourself from the house for as long as possible (taking feeds into account if you are BF (breastfeeding) and just let him experience it. Also, I know 6 weeks is young but you CAN leave her for long enough to go to the loo or even have a shower (including hair wash). Put her in a bouncy chair and put it in the door to the bathroom so she can see you. At 6 weeks, just being alive in the world is stimulation enough. She doesn't actually need playing with all that much yet - believe me, there will soon come a time when you really CAN"T leave them and you'll look back at this time with fondness! Whilst being a SAHM (stay at home mum) should mean you can do MOST of the chores, you are not at home to clean and tidy, you are there to care for your baby, but you SHOULD be able to do quite a bit - anyway, good luck, talk to DP?DH and report back - MN is very very good at offering help on things like this.

Just announce on Saturday that you are off shopping for an hour and she is all his. Work up from there.

You are not being silly-he needs to understand he is an equal parent.

I agree with pp.

Also, do you have a sling? If you get one of the cloth wrap ones, baby will be snuggled up next to you and feel all cosy. This will allow you to get stuff done a little easier. Good luck! :)

He might just be very scared of doing something wrong and needs his confidence building up with his new little girl. We have had 5 children and my husband took a while to do things of his own back, in fact having just asked him, he replied " Well you are with them all day, you know every cry, whimper and wriggle, by the time I got home from work they had changed and I had to learn their ways all over again and I hated not knowing what to do!
Just tell him

I would be tempted to tidy the computer games into the nearest charity shop!

Your DP may be depressed. This could account for his behaviour. He may be struggling with the changes in his life and in his relationship with you. It sounds as if he isn't feeling much joy at present if he is playing games for hours and bothering about tidiness.

Whatever the reason it sounds grim for you and it's not fair for you to be put in this position. I agree with ask not tell! Also I sous try to involve him in the fun stuff as much as possible.

Congratulations and good luck!

It sounds like your DP is seriously copping out.

Sorry to be harsh, but he needs to buck his ideas up and fast.

I don't blame you for feeling left out. Can you have a chat to your DP about how you feel? Perhaps gently suggest he limits the gaming to no more than an hour a day (perhaps when you and the LO have gone to bed) and gets more actively involved in parenting his DD and being a more equal domestic partner in the household.

It is NOT your job to tidy the place up. It is just as much his - if not more so, if he's expecting you to do 99% of the childcare. He should not be treating you as if you are a second class citizen, which is what he is doing. Perhaps warn him that lack of support from a partner after the arrival of a baby is an extremely common reason for couples separating. If he really loves you and his DD, it's time he proved it by rolling up his sleeves and getting involved.

His current behaviour is shocking, and you can tell him I said so.

PS Congratulations on your new DC!

Hi OP, I am not that shocked with your dp's behaviour cos I have seen similar behaviour from mine with all my 3 dc, he is a good dad but he is better with them as they get slightly older, my youngest is 4 months now and dh has improved a lot now whereas at 6 weeks he was not good tbh. It's not right for dad's to be like that but does he feel lacking in confidence with young babies? like when mine would cry as a newborn I used to feel like he doesn't know what to do with them so he gives them back to me. I understand its not nice cos you feel like they are a parent too they need to put in the effort to get to know their new baby, but hopefully he will improve more with time as she gets a bit older and more interactive and less fragile iyswim, although I do think keeping telling him how you feel about things and encourage him to spend more time with her. I used to sometimes plonk baby dc on my dh lap while he was playing xbox and say atleast hold them and play your game if you are gonna be playing, so atleast they are having more contact together.

Also at 6 weeks it is hard cos they are very little and its rare to have a bedtime in place for them or anything like that so you dont get any evening to yourself so it can be a bit relentless but in a couple of months when you may be able to get her down a bit earlier to sleep for the night, and you get some of your evening back to yourself i think that will help a lot with how you are feeling.

As for feeling depressed and alone have you got any childrens centre near you, have a look if they have any groups for under 1 yrs or new babies cos that normally helps, just to be getting out the house and chatting to other mums and get to know others in your area who are in the same position, it can just brighten up your day a bit? Although you did say you are turning to friends already, but still i think these kinda groups can be helpful

Also 9-5 is not a long working day so he cant really say he is tired from work or anything cos he does not work long hours, so he should help! but hopefully he will improve so just keep telling him and try not to let it get you down too much