Reassurance to keep at it or lower standards.

[Sammiez]

Hi,

I don't know what to ask for. I am at my wits end about social interactions. I am not British,here with just my DH and my children. DH works for hours on end and I am a SAHM. We have been living here for about two years now and I am beginning to doubt we will ever find people of like minds. Just this morning,I was thinking of lowering my standards. I am not much of a mixer,but I am not unfriendly either. I am so fed up of trying to be nice and polite and nothing happens. it even hurts more when you have made an effort. I have absolutely no one here. I have tried the netmums.com 'meet-a-mum' and met up with a british lady with a foreign husband. I was so sure I had found a friend,but she just stopped communicating without telling me what my crime was.

I hate that my children are isolated. On my own,I could deal with it,but it even seems people don't like my children either,or at least other mums. Two little girls have asked me over and over if my girl could come to them for playdates and the mums have made excuses.

Sometimes,I am strong enough to deal with it,but other times I feel I have failed my children so much that I become so angry and take it out on them. This is what is killing me slowly. I am always talking to my eldest like she is a grown up,and now I hate the way she sounds,especially when she is cross with her sister.

I know I should toughen up,but just feel totally tired now like I cannot go on. I cannot stand the school run anymore,because I am so tired,like I do not have any energy left. We walk everywhere as we cannot afford a car yet and cannot afford extra stuff like play centres,etc. Physically,Iam so tired all the time. I loathe any opportunity to meet other mums now because I know nothing will come out of it. The only person I am friends with, I am trying to end the friendship,because I need to put my children first-her son hits my children and she is too afraid? to tell him off. This has been going on for more than a year.

Another lady I know swears like she breathes,so I didn't want to expose my children to that. i was wondering just this morning if I should make more effort with her just so my children learn about relationships outside the nuclear family...

There seems to be a lot going on in your post, you sound very unhappy and although I rarely write anything on mumsnet I wanted to respond as you have poured your heart out. Saying you are going to lower your standards sounds snobby but having read what you said about the lady who swears I don't think you mean to come across as though you think you are better than others..

I think it depends on where you live s bit, if you haven't found like minded people, it might be a case of getting to some different activities to meet a different crowd. When I moved to the UK I joined an international parents group run by a small church, it was great because all the parents were looking for néw friends and playmates for their kids.

It can be incredibly hard and lonely moving to a new place, especially if you move somewhere that people already have their networks established. Don't be put off by the bad experience with the other mum, she may have just not felt a connection.

Are all your kids school age, can you do something for yourself while they're at school? You might make friends by following your interests, don't try too hard to create the perfect network, it can evolve naturally.

The other thing that struck me is how tired you are, can you speak to your doctor about this, do you think it might be depression or something physical causing it?

I think if the only commonality you're looking for is 'motherhood' or 'your kid is in the same class as my kid' then you're casting your seed on stony ground. I think friendships come more easily when you have something more specific in common. I sing with a local community choir, for example, and find the people I've met there are a lot more amenable and sociable than the random collection at the school gate who are happy to say 'hi' and make small-talk when we see each other out and about, but that's about it. I found quite early on that a lot of the school mums had been to school together themselves, lived on the same streets and so forth. I also know that, to strangers, I can appear rather aloof! And maybe - being equally brutal - if you're talking in terms of 'lowering standards' and looking down on people just because they swear a bit, you might come across as a bit on the snooty side yourself.

Either way it's not letting down your children that you find it difficult to make friends. They're quite capable of making friends without your involvement and, if little girls are inviting them round to play then they sound pretty successful.

I am sorry I sounded like a snob. I quite like this lady who swears a lot,but don't want my children to pick up the language. I don't see anything wrong with it in grown ups(totally indifferent) to be honest,but don't think it is okay for kids.
I really just want my kids to have friends besides me and their dad.

oh dear! i have just thought again about the 'lowering standards' and totally see how that might be perceived. I am honestly sorry. Sometimes,we have our own values or interests which define us,so was trying to say, do I just ignore those and lower my expections-make them more realistic if that makes any sense,instead of looking for soulmates in my relationships. I honestly don't know how to explain this...

Thanks for responses!

Thepigflu-I have one school age and 2 toddlers. I was on anti-depressants for a bit,fluoxetine,but didn't do me much good.

I guess it depends on why you are doing it. I think a lot of people go to playgroups and parks to give their children opportunities to interact with other kids but they themselves don't enjoy the company of the other mums that much. Your focus seems to be about giving your kids social contact, they won't miss out if you and their dad are their only significant people and your older daughter sounds like she has no trouble making friends at school.

If I were you I would be focussing on spending time with people you enjoy and let your kids fit in with that.

I think you also need to go back to your doctor to talk about your mood, I don't know enough about it but if the meds didn't work can they look at something else?

Also I do think it's rare to meet the soul mate kind of friends as we get older, it can happen but not as often. I tend to assume that I'm going to make situational friends, ie both have small kids and then if a deeper friendship develops that is a bonus. In my experience Brits can be tough nuts to crack but well worth the effort when you get a good one

Is there a mother and child resource centre, Or something similar in your area? I still think pursuing your own interests would likely uncover more kindred spirits I know that can be hard to do with small children but a family worker/ child health nurse type person could link you in with other mums and kids.

Thanks again! How long have you been here for? Everyone seems to talk about evening classes. What are they? Are they on in most counties? Are they quite affordable? Life is quite fast paced here,support is a luxury and childcare is expensive,so I do understand why cultivating friendships can be hard for most people.

I think I have issues myself that I am too embarassed to admit . Feel I will always be rejected no matter what I do. Will see if I can talk to a GP

I am not in the uk anymore, we were there last year as my husband was studying. I did an evening class learning Spanish, that was with the local university, I think for evening classes just go to the college or uni that's close by and pick up a course handbook to find out what is available... actually they would all be online.

I didn't make friends in the evening class but I enjoyed doing something for myself and I met nice people and had adult conversations, not kid focused, which was nice!

I know how you feel, OP. Your best bet is to find people in a similar situation to yours. And to go out a lot - baby groups, children's centre, whatever. Things will start to happen, but very slowly. And don't blame yourself - it's not you, most people here just don't socialise with their children that much.

My DD1, who is 6, wants to play with friends every day after school - most other parents think one playdate a week is enough, if that.

International places, where lots of people come and go a generally better for making new friends.