Parenting without your own parents

[jenrose29]

I have a 4 year old daughter and am 3 and a half months pregnant, as well as having two step-children. My mum is schizophrenic and has never met any of the children and very probably never will, and my dad lives 100 miles away, has met my daughter a handful of times and isn't particularly interested in being a grandparent. As an issue personal to me, I have decided to write an article about parenting without the support/influence of your own parents as part of my University course and I would be really grateful if any Mums here have any stories they could share with me please.

An outline of my request is as follows:

As someone who parents without the support/influence of my own parents, I am interested in others in the same situation. I would like to hear from others in similar situations - perhaps their parents have died, they are estranged from their parents, they live in a different area/country from their parents, their parents are too ill to be involved (i.e. with dementia etc) or their parents are just not interested in being grandparents. I would like to know how they feel it affects their/their childrens lives to not have grandparents around, how they explain the absence of the grandparents to their children, what they miss about having their parents involved or whether they feel there are any advantages.

Thank you in advance for any help you can provide.

Jen

Very interesting topic, similar to another one I read about 'motherless mothers', which I think has an even more pignant message as we learn so much about being a mother from how our own mother was with us growing up.

My mum had early onset dementia before I was even married, then I had DD and although they met - they had no idea who the other was. By that stage mum was just someone sitting in the corner not interacting or talking with anybody, nevermind a baby. She died last year.
Dad is still very good with DD, he adores her, but lives in different area of country, so is a 40 min flight away. When he does see her, she loves him and he dotes on her.

Am now currently pregnant with 2nd DC, due in few weeks. Dad has a new GF, so seems less involved/inclined to come and visit as his social time is taken up.

I think there are no advantages to not having your own parents around when you become a parent yourself. We learn so much from them, and they have been there/done it when it comes to any areas of uncertainty we may have as parents, so in my opinion they'd be the first to call upon. Mainly in the case of Mums though... I think there is no other relationship that compares to a mother and child, and I wish with all my heart that my mum had stayed long enough to help me with my DCs.

On top of that, my MIL died a few months before my dear mum, so the DCs will never have grandmothers or remember them. I think it's important in this case where one has passed, to make the relationship with the other grandparent as special as possible.

I am jealous of others who still have their parents when they become parents themselves.

Obviously we will explain to the DCs when older all about their grandmothers, there are pictures everywhere of them both as they were both amazing mothers and women - who would have loved nothing more than to be around for their grandchildren, more than any other relative. All in all I don't think it will affect the DCs too much, as they have never known anything different.

It might be a different story if the grandfathers lived nearby, but FIL is in Spain, so again not much of a close relationship there, but we try to make up for it when we do see him.

Interesting. I am lucky enough that I have both a mother and an MIL that I get on with, but both live more than 200 miles away. My PILS are still happily married, but my dad died 18 years ago and Mum has a new fella. DS is well aware of my dad and we talk about "Grandpa Michael".

So I don't have a "hands on" mother, and every parenting problem DH and I have to work out for ourselves. I get most of my advice from HV, friends, parents of friends (who are local, I know a lot of my local friends' parents), MN and my HV. I would love my mum to be on hand to advise and help, but in a way I kind of like (coping mechanism?) her being a bit distant, because I am making my own decisions; not sure if I would have that independence if my mum was advising me, if I'd feel duty bound to do what she suggested regardless. It does mean however, that when Mum or MIL are visiting, that they don't want to get involved with the DC apart from playing, as they are unfamiliar with what we do.

I know we are lucky though, for my DC to have two grannies and effectively 2 grandads, and that they will grow up with a realtionship with all of them, albeit one where they are spoilt every time they see them and not a "day to day" one.

At 3.2, DS is just beginning to realise that many of his friends go to granny's for tea, sleepovers, an afternoon, instead of nursery and so on but he doesn't. We ring granny a lot, but it's not really the same.

FIL used to visit once a fortnight en route to visiting his own mum, and he and DS had a fantastic relationship, where grandad and DS did do a lot of the "day to day" things together; FIL was here often enough for it not to be a special occasion. Since Great Grandma died, FIL has not been up to often and DS misses him and still asks when Grandad is going to take him to the park etc.

I have always said that the single thing that would most improve the quality of my life is living closer to family, but we are tied here by jobs and house prices; also now our own network and with 2 DC we are begining to grow our own roots. However, I do see some of my friends' tearing their hair out about their nearby-parents'/PIL's interference, so I guess it cuts both ways.

From a more practical point of view, it would be lovely to have someone who could take the DC/babysit/do a emergency nursery pick up etc on occasion. It would be nice to see my mum for a cuppa and a chat, without the 5 hour drive and having to stay for a few days. It would be nice to go over for Christmas lunch, without starting to worry about who is going to sleep where in August...

Hi there. This is a topic close to my heart too... I am estranged from my mother, and my father lives on the other side of the world. I haven't seen him in over 15 years - he wasn't around much when I was growing up, so his input was minimal sadly.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with my first and have been somewhat concerned about my ability to be a mother. There is only so much books can teach you... Am hopeful however that my OH will point me in the right direction should I feel I am veering off a bit. Also - I have a few great friends with small kids, and a fabulous mumsnet support group who are free with advice and tips, and are easy on the judgy pants. So - fingers crossed!!

My mother is a strong character. She is profoundly narcissistic with a violent temper and no sense of responsibility for it. When I was a baby she left my father taking me and my older brother, and moved to a part of the country that ensured we were isolated from my father and his family. She provided for us as well as possible for the basic necessities - food, clothes, school, etc, but had minimal interest in our emotional or mental worlds. She used to say to me that having kids was the worst thing she ever did when she was trying to convince me that I needed to work at my schooling etc... To be fair, we have sound values, and both work at responsible jobs, but our emotional lives and mental states have always been on extremely very shaky foundations.

My older brother and I have struggled our entire adult lives with management of our anger and I have spent large amounts of money and time with councillors and therapists trying to get a grip on my own destiny. I now have a fantastic partner who has great parents and who will have an integral part of our child's life. I am hopeful about my family life going forward.

About 10 years ago, at Christmas, my mother was up to her usual head-fuckery tricks, and I had it out with her. (She had thrown my brother and me out of her house on Christmas day.) I told her that I couldn't have a relationship with her going forward unless she was prepared to take responsibility for her anger and her behaviour towards us. She told me that she was waiting for my apology. I haven't had a relationship with her since. The fact is that I am the adult in this particular picture. But she still yields too much power over me emotionally and is too fickle for me to risk opening that door. She is pure poison, and although I realise she is getting older, and is increasingly frail, I won't risk it. She has shown very little interest in being a grandmother towards my brothers two [totally fabulous] girls. She knows I am pregnant, however remains in a place that shows zero capacity for self examination and/or criticism. It makes me sad, but being sad is better than being a kicking bag in an abusive relationship.

These are fantastic responses thank you very much, please do keep adding to them, they are fascinating.

I too have chosen to parent without my parents.
My mother lives about 5 minutes from me. A very difficult person who is too agressive and swears too much, i keep my son away from her.
Interestingly, my mum takes on about 70% of the childcare of my sisters child.
My mum has never looked after my son, she sees him about twice a year, for about 15 minutes. She never asks about him.

My PIL are not interested in my son, their only gc, so we manage pretty much between ourselves, DH & Me.

I get jealous of people who talk about having a break from their kids becuase their parents are looking after thier children, also when i see grandparents in the playground picking kids up or dropping them off.
We have never had it, so dont really miss it.

Neither my parents nor in laws are alive and there are times - like Christmas when I really miss them.
My children have never known any different, so are OK. What worries me is that they are missing out on that wonderful bond between Grand p and child. I had amazing Gp's - so wise, funny, kind and generous with time and love. They'll never feel that.
I also feel very bitter sometimes. For example if I see a grandparent who I know smokes and drinks. I know it's not illegal but it reminds me how unfair life is. Why are they here when mine died young and took no risks with their health?
But, the only positive I can think of is that they won't feel the horrible grief of losing Gparents.
This has made me feel a bit on the sad side. Think I'd better go and doing some serious tickling to forget about it

If it comes up, I explain that they got poorly and up there with the stars.
We have photos around the house and talk about them sometimes.
My brother and sisters in laws (unrelated to me of course) are particularly kind to my children.
Hope it's helped you. Any more specific Q's just ask.

I have two boys 6 and 2.5 yrs old. I have a good family however, their input into our lives is very disappointing. My own mother only lives 15 miles away but she hardly makes the effort to pop over and never, takes them out - she only has ever done the pantomime and you'd think she was wonder-grandma. My MIL lives around the corner and only has them for half day in the week. Again never asks to take them on a day trip or overnight anywhere. I know many people would think I'm selfish however I am surrounded by friends and family who have husband and wife time together, go away alot and half a nice break particulary when you feel you need to escape the house of mad wild boys. As my husband works most days and long hours self employed I find this very depressing!

Gosh, I remember as a child being shipped out and absolutely loved it.

I find weekends totally depressing and lonely too.

My parents are not in the UK too and i haven't seen my dad in over 15years. Left home really quick because family situation was really bad. We are,that is DH, kids and I, are alone in the UK and somehow feel my kids are deprived. I wish they could have some loving extended family to identify with.

I guess it hurts more when they are really close and you still don't see them