Bit or reassurance needed

[JenniferR]

Hi there
I'm writing on Mumsnet because I really don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about this.

I've been feeling really lonely over the last few months and no matter what I do I just don't seem to make friends with other mums. My friends pre baby also don't return calls and if they do it's weeks later. My hubby says that it's because people have a lot going on in their lives with regard to pre baby friends (I'm sure thay do) but I just feel like I have no close friends.

My family also make little effort and I always seem to be running around them. When I tried to stand up to my mum and asked for help she responded by telling me that if I keep asking for things everyone will leave me one day. That really hurt me and was so uncalled for.

I have tried to ask a few friends if I give of a 'weird vibe' but they have just said that I give the impression of someone who is confident and has lots of friends. I live in a city away from my family and where I grew up so there's no one here I've known for a long time.

Does anyone have any tips on how to meet normal, friendly mums/families? I'm going back to work early next year and feel that this is just going to make matters worse as I really won't meet any new parents then.

PS- I've tried baby and toddler groups and despite my effort very few people talk to me. I have tried but everyone, though friendly, seems to hang out in groups. The only person who seemed to talk to me was a woman who just listed of all her health problems for 45 minutes, although I showed compassion it did bring me down a bit. Also done various groups and have to say that some mums have bordered on hostile!

it's really hard isn't it?
i never got on brilliantly at mother and baby groups because it's so rare to find likeminded people there... you just talk to each other because you all have kids and a friendship IMO needs more than just that!

I've made more friends via places like this, and through our local La Leche League group because I've found people who think the same kind of way I do

where in the country are you? there are MN local boards...

Thank you so much thisisyesterday! Could have cried when got your message- finally someone who sounds like they know where I'm coming from. Really thought no one would respond.

I'm in Glasgow, quite scared/apprehensive about going to things now. Am beginning to think I'm a weirdo or something . Or maybe I'm just losing my confidence!

jenniferR....I too have found it very hard to make friends..lack of confidence & self-esteem. Things can get very lonely. I have a DH who is great & is my best-friend but I would love to have more friends to share things with. I have found MN a great place to gain reassurance..support & chat to like-minded people. Unfortunately...my message is just to assure you that you are not alone with this situation or feelings. I'll be watching to see what tips these helpful ladies can come up with!

Hi there, I met one of my closest friends via tha "meet a mum" section of my local netmums.com, you could have a look on there.

Hi OP. If its any help, there are posts not dissimilar to yours fairly frequently. It can be a very isolating thing, having a baby, being off on Mat Leave etc if none of your pre-baby friends are in the same boat. Of the dozens of mums I met at various groups / activites only two I would say are actual friends that I would do things with in the evenings without the kids. Can you perhaps contact your old friends to do a regular thing, say once a month, in the evening, not baby related? Have you been to structured classes rather than the baby groups? That way there is less pressure to make conversation for an hour and you feel less conspicuous if you don't know anyone. Over few weeks you might get chatting with someone. Its hard - most of us make friends at very specific times, school uni etc and its hard outside of that. Do look at the local boards and be brave
PS - a fairly unhelpful response from your mum - is there a backstory?

ahh if I wasn't at the other end of the country to you I'd suggest a meet-up lol

I guess in terms of mum/baby groups I do think that if you just keep on keeping on and you turn up every week then eventually you make friends, it just takes a long time.
I think it's a weirdly British thing the whole not getting too close with people you don't know well. I was meeting weekly with a group of people I originally met at a bumps and babes group. I used to invite them over outside of the group and was inevitably declined, or invite them to evening things- again declined.. it took us about 3 years to have our first night out without kids!
I think a lot of people go to these things simply for something to do during the day and maybe not actually looking for friendships? I'm not sure.
I definitely don't find people round here are really keen to get to know each other and socialise in a non-children situation which is kind of sad.

I guess it's a matter of persevering until you do eventually find a few people you get on well with.
I love mumsnet, but I do also use other forums like natural mamas and the now-defunct Iwantmymum where I found a few really, really good friends because they seemed to appeal to people more like me in terms of parenting and general lifestyle iyswim

Thank you everyone for your messages. I feel a bit better knowing it's not just me that feels this way!

Shame you are far away thisisyesterday- would have been great to meet up . Will check out those sites you recommend though! I know what you mean about the 'British' thing of not getting too close. Everyone is friendly but after they've said hello etc. they politely walk away, like you I asked people for coffee etc and it was declined.

trixie123- the back story is my parents split up and my mum is projecting things on to me I think. Although I love my mum she can be quite selfish and cutting. Since my baby arrived I am finding I don't have the patience for it as much as I used to (prob because of sleep deprivation!!)

Would you consider going to a church on a Sunday morning? Even if you are not particularly interested in Christianity they are often very welcoming and full of families. If you find a good one, they might also. Have things going on during the week.

Hi All,

My baby is due in February and while I like the idea of the mother and baby groups I'm also slightly dreading it...I'm not that good a mixer and I've heard many people saying they can somtimes be a bit difficult to join in.

I think it's very hard to make friends as adults, even if you have great support at home, it's always nice to have someone else to chat to or go for coffee with, especially if you have something in common like a new baby...although that shouldn't matter, sadly it does for some people!

I'm in Glasgow too OP and my arm can always be twisted for a Starbucks...oh how I missed coffee when I went off it until recently!!

Hi CatsRule- that's so sweet of you. Would be lovely to meet for a coffee/(tea!). Not sure how's best way to organise but if you let me know? Is central best for you? I'm in the West End.

Hey there- just to let you know you are not alone in feeling like this...the thing that worked for me was arranging to go for walks - not ad intense as sitting over coffee with someone who is more or less a stranger to you! Even better if you can get 3 or 4 of you together- it has got a lot better for me - hope you are feeling less lonely soon