Please help a new mum - family treating DD like a performing monkey!

[SingingSands]

I have copied and pasted the following from an email (with permission from the author, who would really appreciate the Mumsnet massive's ideas). I'll send a link to this thread for her to read if it takes off and anyone replies!

Ok ? hopefully you can give me the benefit of your wisdom on this. How can I ask my parents and DSis to stop treating my DD (7 months) like a performing monkey? We were there on Saturday and pretty much the whole time, one of them (mostly mum and sister though) would be getting her to stand/try and walk/look at this/look at that/bounce on knee/etc etc etc. it was really full on and she didn?t sleep at all. DSis also has a terrible habit of just picking DD up from whoever is holding her, regardless of whether DD is cuddled in or just chilling. It?s go-go-go all the time and it?s not fair on DD.

But?I don?t know how to say to them ?can you please leave her alone?. Even if I said it was for her own good. Because I?ve been told off before for not letting people have their ?fair share of time with DD?. Seriously. Mum actually says things like ?oh, it?s your sister?s shot with DD? or ?I?ve not had my share of time with her?. I just wish we could visit them (or be visited by them) and not have to do a Performing Baby Show. But because of the great offense that can be taken for the slightest thing, I don?t know how to do it.

I did broach the subject lightly last night ? I phoned my folks to let them know that DD had an ear infection and said that she didn?t sleep on Saturday night and was really grumpy and cried a lot on Sunday and I?d initially put it down to her getting overexcited on Saturday with too much going on for her (which I did. Bad mummy) but it was clear it was an ear infection late on Sunday. DSis said that DD was probably upset because her aunty wasn?t with her. Mum said ?oh yes, babies do get upset with sore ears?.

What do I dooooooooooooo?

The mad thing is, when they are visiting individually, it?s fine. Mum came up for lunch a few weeks ago and also came up to help when DD had her cold and she was fine with her. The few times dad has come up on his own he is more than happy to just sit and talk to her and let her play and poke him in the eye as she sees fit (but then he is more laidback than the other two). Even DSis was pretty relaxed with her when we went to her flat for dinner a few weeks ago. I think it?s just when they are all together there?s this almost competitive element and it just breaks into ?DO SOMETHING!?

Help!

She needs to put her foot down and say 'DD is not a performer. She's a baby. She needs some chill time. Leave her alone.'

If they object, repeat repeat repeat. And if they don't listen, don't visit/have them over.

If it really does get too much for her when they're all around, then you NEED to stick up for her and say enough is enough. If it's a real problem then you need to nip it in the bud, and if they CHOOSE to take offence, then so be it. If you are certain that it's an issue then don't try to hint at it - be clear!

Take her from whoever, and sit with her on your own lap. If they say 'It's so and so's turn now' then tell them that she's not a toy that can be shared about. Keep hold of her. Or if DSis goes to take DD from someone, say 'Can you leave DD where she is please, she's still having a nice time with X!' If it continues, then go home, saying DD is tired and needs a rest.

However the standing up, look at this, look at that and bouncing on a knee all sound like fairly normal things to do with a 7 month old, and certainly nothing that would worry me. I know that family all did these things with DD (still do, for hours on end if they can) and it was never a problem.

I don't see it as too much of a problem, people are at their worst with a baby-once the baby is up and moving they don't put up with it. If the baby really doesn't like it now they will make it loud and clear.

Oh, I do a quite-annoying-for-everyone-else-thing of saying 'but I'm busy!' or 'no thanks, I'm quite happy here' as if I was DS with my madly overexcited family. I might adapt this with 'but I am not a time share!' for your situation... I know this to be annoying because I visualise nipping anyone else doing a pretending-to-be-him thing. But it is a way of gently bringing up the idea that one, he is a person and two, I AM IN CHARGE they should remember that their agenda can't obliterate his/mine.

I also do a shameless play-off thing, where I say to people (like for example DM) what I want other people to do (like DMil). Actually, I remember saying to DMil that I loved that people wanted to play with him etc. but that I thought more secure and accepting relationships with him were likely to be built with people who could let him be and get on with things... This was squarely aimed at her, she was doing a Royal Variety Performance every time she came round. It does seem to have worked.

I think conversations in which you discuss other people and the baby does seem to invite everyone in the conversation to reflect on their own way of relating to the baby without you having to shout at them how effing irritating you find them (even if that is a satisfying scene to fantasise about). Is there someone else who you could discuss individually with Dsis and DM and mention how tiring the baby finds them? You could make someone up for the sake of family relations if not. If you were very ruthless, you could complain about each to the other hahahhaha, they'd be falling over themselves to sit quietly in the corner...

my lot and my IL's are like this too, to some degree, so I limit my time with them, knowing how wound up she gets. I am lucky that they live 20 minutes away, so this means I can just go when we've had enough. She will not nap around them at all, as too much is going on.

They want to see everything she has learnt since they last saw her. Found that seeing them more regularly was easier, setting aside days and times to visit, rather than them coming to us all the time. It means less of the performing monkey act, which now only comes on if they've got a guest or see someone who doesn't know about it.

Family events can't be avoided but I keep a close eye on her to see if she's too overwhelmed and often go for a walk around the garden with her to chill her out a bit. Christmas is due to be chaos, it's her first birthday the week before as well.

DD's also got to the stubborn age, and refuses to perform things, she's happy to walk about holding on to anyone, and that saves my back at the moment, they usually come back quite quickly as she likes to move fast and they aren't fast enough so she will whinge.

I also found keeping a photo album handy, showing things she's been doing [unless I haven't emailed them over already] it's quite effective with the older lot, as she's just too busy to sit still for them to admire.

I think talking about it makes for awkwardness, I'd try some tactics to reduce the performances first, if they are still causing grief, maybe start restricting hours of contact. Especially if family is local. Me and DD have a nice week of activities and visits, also leaving plenty of time for whatever we want here and there. Just remember that you should be in charge of the time and how long, fit it into your schedule, not theirs.

Ooo and invite them along to visit at an activitiy, for example close family have now been to see DD swimming and at baby group. Means they get to see her perform rather than lead the performance as such.

Good ideas folks, thanks for replying.

I'll email a link to my cousin tomorrow, hopefully she can draw some comfort from other people "out there" experiencing the same thing!

I think that her family are still in the over-excited phase. Her DD is the first grandchild on that side so everyone is falling over themselves to "have a go" of her .

Just emailing the link now, if anyone cares to add any more. Bumping for the daytime crows!

How often does she see her family? If it's not very often, then it is natural for them to be overexcited excited and it might be best just to accept that the baby will be over-stimulated for the day, but it won't kill her.

Ironically, seeing the family more often might be better - the baby will be less of a novelty because she won't have changed so much since last time they saw her.

Failing that, I recommend press-ganging the family into long, healthy outdoor walks - the baby can sleep in her buggy and they can take the time remember that her mother is also a member of the family who deserves a bit of their attention and respect.

To your cousin:

Try saying, "Well, you've clearly got taking turns down to a tee. Whose turn is it to change a pooey nappy?". Mind you, some people are unstoppable, but you get the idea: give them some of the, ahem, shit jobs to do.

I think apart from that the general consensus that you have to put your foot down is a wise one. My MIL was the same when DS was a new born and again when his cousin arrived. She just gets giddy, bossy and downright rude (Ooh, your mummy isn't looking after you, is she? I know how to look after babies) and in the end DH (and then DBIL in his turn) had to have Words. I would have done it myself but I was ready to bop her on the nose. She is fine now and very good with DS and I hardly ever have to bop her on the nose these days but she had to be told to back down early on.

And before the MIL crowd gets the face on, she is a fab MIL apart from that early wobable and a brilliant grandma. So ner.

LOL at being one of the daytime crows! I know it's not polite to giggle at typos - but that's a great one! Caw!!!

OP I really sympathise, my parents were just like this when dd1 was little. Is your dd the first grandchild/niece?

You will find that it gets better as she gets older, and as more babies are born. Seriously, with my dc3 it was a challenge to get them to even come to her birthday, that's how much the novelty had worn off.

In meantime, I would just pick her up and leave the room saying "nap time!" brightly, or something.

It does peak around 2 ime, then it will be better, however by then dd was capable of refusing to perform, i.e. they would repeat "what does the cow say? what does the cow say?" and she would give them a look which said "you know fine what the cow says."

Now dd is 10 and she proudly tells me grandma said she spoke to her friend who is teacher and reported that dd's piece of writing she showed her is waaaaaay better than you should get from a 10 yr old, which is annoying, but not quite so annoying.

Erm, did i just call you all crows?

I meant to say CROWDS!!

Honest, guv

Hello!
I am that cousin. Mother. Owner of performing monkey.

Thanks for all advice - I think it is a case of overexcited grandparents/auntie showing how happy they are to see the baby, but not knowing when to stop themselves.

I try to offload the nappy changing when we visit but to date, none of them have taken me up on it unfortunately.

We visit my parents (with sister there) once a week normally, or my folks come to us for a day. I'd see them more often but I'd go insane tbh.

Um... What else? I know I need to get a grip amd grow a pair and just tell them when the baby is getting overwhelmed. I just need to figure out how to do that without causing offense. My mum and sister are v quick to take offense so I have to tread carefully.

Anyway- thank you everyone for posting and your advice!

(and thanks awfully SS for posting this!)

Ooh I think I might put that on my CV "Owner of performing monkey"

Seriously, I think you just need to be polite but firm.

"Aw, she loves having such a great time with you, but if I don't put her down for a nap now she'll get cranky. Say bye bye"

and whisk her away.

Once she can walk she'll squirm like a demon to get down at every opportunity so you won't have this for long.

Although, my FIL has a habit of just repeatedly shouting a phrase at my DD...

"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"

Most of the time she just wanders off into another room, completely ignoring him

"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"
"What does an elephant say"

HAHAHAHA! This made me laugh and laugh. It reminds me so much of my own PILs who would persist in 'the wheels on the bus' or 'look at the doggie' for HOURS even if DD had shown no interest at all on the first go. I used to wonder what on earth they thought they were doing. If I'm talking to someone and they find me boring, I tend to try another track rather than persist with whatever they found dull...

This drives me mad during visits with the inlaws, it's like a mad competition for DD's attention and favour. She doesn't know where to look and who to go to half the time.

When I think it's too much, I tell people to just let her be for a while as she is happiest doing her own thing. But it's not long before it's back to 'come to grandma', 'no, come to granddad', 'no look here'.

The constant fight for her attention can be a little bit embarrassing as well... sometimes it's difficult to see who the kids are and who the adults....

Oh I wouldn't worry about it, as soon enough little one will be giving her own orders and telling them "No!"....great first word ha ha! or can just express herself to be left alone. She will be a demanding toddler in no time

Babies are more resilient than we give them credit for, especially by 7 months. Most love the interatction. I think it's probably quite normal - or, at least more common than you think - for families to behave this way around babies. I have the same with my DS, but it's all fairly light hearted, they know they're doing it and we joke about it being 'pass the parcel'. My stepdaughter, in particular, is a bugger for nabbing her baby brother from anyone sneaking in a quick cuddle. And it did used to bug me. That said, DS is (thankfully) a social little man and seems to love being the centre of attention.

That said, i know my DS and i know when he's genuinely had enough. On those occasions i tend to say "ok, i think DS could do with a little chill out time - and mummy hasn't seen him in two hours!" jokingly, and then proceed to take him away for a quiet snuggle. If anyone asks to hold him i say "in a while, just let him calm down a bit first". And when it comes to sleep there is no compromise on my part and i say "right DS, say bye bye to everybody for now. I think you could do with a sleep". Invariably they're fine with that.

My point is, there are ways of getting your own way and looking out for your DD without resorting to offending anybody. And quite honestly, if anybody is offended then let it wash over you. There has been a shift in family relationships and your responsibility is to your DD first and foremost. Do not compromise that and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that - dealing with other people's advice/ interference/ stroppiness is all part of parenthood!

Good luck.

Very sensible mantana-if everyone took your advice there wouldn't be a problem. (I'm all for letting it wash over and ignoring-if babies don't like it they don't put up with it).