Advice for DP who is not enjoying 12 year old DD

[unacceptablebehaviour]

Hi, My DP is seperated form his DD's (12, going on 21) mother. They seperated when she was 8 and now she spends half her week with us and half her week with her mum. DP and I have lived together for 3 years and her mum lives alone but they often stay with her partner who she's moving in with next year.

Anyway, DP is a very good man and a well meaning father. He cares about what happens to his DD and wants the best for her. But recently he's having real trouble connecting with her and is feeling that he often doesn't like her very much.

She is fairly difficult to like a lot of the time, she has a lot of her mother's traits that don't gel with his. It's not her fault and he knows that but our conversations have been around when does it becomes her fault? - i.e. when does she become responsible and accountable for her actions and stop being able to blame it (things like being materialistic, manipulative, selfish etc.) on her mum's influence?

She sees him a bank account and has made it clear that he is there to support her finacially and her mum is there to support her emotionally. Although, whenever she needs emotional support, her dad gives her good advice. Her mum cries along with her and adds to the drama - which is exactly what a young teenager wants I suppose, hence her feeling like her mum understands her better. But he struggles to be like that as he is naturally very measured and logical. His DD can't seem to accept that dad loves her the same but shows it in a different way.

We are careful not to slate her mum in front of his DD but she often tells stories about things to goad us in to saying something she can go back to her mum with. It takes the strength of an ox not to fall for it and although we don't it is very hard to not bristle which his DD picks up on I'm sure.

Our house is becoming an unhappy place on the weekend when his DD is with us. He feels like he is losing her and that she has no respect for him. I want to suppport him but I don't know what to advise.

I suggested that he do things with her that she enjoys i.e. cinema, shopping and going for lunch. But it always ends in her demanding lots of money is spent which he in turn resents then they argue when she is ungrateful. He has stopped asking her now, and even when we do ask her to do things with us, or just him, she is now saying no.

He is scared that as she grows up she will become more and more like her mum and he will like her less and less. The unconventional love doesnt seem to be forthcoming.. at least on a day to day basis. And I am scared that she will pick up on not being liked which will push her closer to her mum and make things even worse. He's even saying now (to me not DD) that he doesn't know what the point is in her coming to our house any more although i don't think he means it.

I want them both to be happy. Any suggestions?

I think you may be reading more into the DD's behaviour than is actually there. Prepubescent girls are often a complete nightmare - mine was a complete witch at that age - manipulative, argumentative, really not very nice at all. There are a billion social pressures at school etc., the massive changes in their bodies and the strange new hormones swirling around - it's a tough time, and they take it all out on their nearest and dearest. So while I'm sure some of this is down to the separated parents/mother bad-mouthing you etc, most of it is probably just because she's 12.

My DD had a similar set-up - went from me and DH to her father's and back again - and she certainly played us off against each other. We seemed to take it in turns to be the evil parent - one week Dad was the only one who ever understood her, the next week Dad was awful and she wanted to only be with me.

And she's her own person - unfair of your DP to project his issues re the Ex onto her. She is what she is - a combination of nature and nurture. If he goes into this with the attitude that "she's just like her mum and I hate her mum" then it's bound to end badly. It will become self-fulfilling.

All I can say is keep up the good work re trying to get quality one to one time, zero tolerance of the demands for money (but don't argue - say from teh outset "we're going to the cinema and we have £X to spend and that's it") and the really bad stuff, pick your battles and count to ten a lot. She will come out of this OK, I promise. My DD is grown up now and she's lovely!

Thanks Hassled. I think he is just feeling like it is all out of his control. I suppose a lot of dads feel like that at this stage but if they are living with the mother they can still feel part of it all through her... he just feels like someone who watches over DD so her mum can have a break.

My dad was always to busy for me and I often thought he didn't like me. But then I guess you're right, I thought everyone didn't like me at that age!

I asked DP what he wants their relationship to look like. He said he wants to be able to talk to her about her day or what book she's reading, or her thoughts on something in the news. But all she wants to talk about is how much money he's going to give her to go in to town. The with her Mum, she'll talk for hours about everything.

I explained that this is normal and doesnt mean she will always be that person. The problem is though that even as an adult her mum is that person and I don't think he can get it out of his mind that she may end up the same.

Poor him and poor her I guess.

Will pass on your advice.

That sounds so sad. I would encourage him to see a family therapist with his DD - the two of them can go without mum, although I expect she might be invited to come at some point if they all thought it would help. It will give DD a chance to say what's on her mind in a safe, contained place. I suppose I wonder if underneath she really, really loves her dad, but is so confused by all the mixed messages she's getting from her mum (to whom she has loyalties as well) and has retreated to a sort of defensive 'you are my bank' position. She certainly sounds very hurt and confused - as does your DP.

Thanks camgirl, I wish they would. He has suggested it in the past although more from the point of view that DD could go as she was acting out a hell of a lot a year or so ago. He'd be up for trying it I'm sure but her mother has said she isn't allowed to do anything like that because it's for mad people.

I've had counselling myself and know how wonderful it can be so it is a shame. Maybe when she's a little older she'll feel she can make her own decisions and will agree to it then.

Although, I wonder if, such is her loyalty to mum, that she'd feel conmfortable discussing her feelings without mum present...

Will discuss with DP though, thanks.

poor kid - you know, your DP has to be very careful not to project onto her behaviour these 'traits of her mothers' that he dislikes. She is a 12 year old, they can be difficult - she has been through her parents splitting up and has to split her time between three different homes and two additional parent figures in her life.

MAybe she feels unloved and anxious and asks for money to be spent because she feels she wants to punish him for not being the dad she really wants, or because she is finding life difficult. Yes, maybe her mother is passing on certain values that you don't like - but I think there is a lot of responsibility being pushed away by your dp.

Has he asked how his treatment of her might be leading to her displaying negative behaviour? YOur message is very much about how good a dad he is, how awful the ex is and how awful the kid is - but familiy life is never that simple. She spends half her time with her dad - that's quite a tricky life for a child - he has to take responsibility for how she is behaving, it's not just the mother.

If she isn't talking to him about her emotions/ normal life - maybe she doesn't feel comfortable doing that and you have to ask why - its not because she's greedy or a bad person, she's only 12 - do ou really know what goes on with the mum? she might not be talking about her life to anyone. She may be playing both parents off against each other becauase she is finding life hard....

I would not have talked to my dad about lots of things I talked to my mum about! There seems to be a lot of anger from your partner - and him worrying that she will grow into 'her mother' - that may stem from his own fears - but he has to really put a lid on that - he can start having counselling without her to look at this ...it's too important to ignore.

And he can try talking to her honestly - you know, it gets harder as they become teenagers and he needs to deal with this negativity now - I was an absolutely awful teengaer, really horrendous - deep down it was because I was very unhappy. I can't imagine how damaging it would have been if my parents had decided that my behaviour when I was 12 - 17 was an indicator of my adult personality. I also went through a very hard break up of my parents - its really really tough for kids especially older ones, so you need to accept that she is acting out her own difficulties, not demonstrating a 'bad character'.....I am nothing like my 12 year old self - are you?

and - I agree he should push for the counselling - surely it's not up to the mother to stop that....

and just to add - I think family therapy would be better than just for her, I also got pushed into counselling and hated it as a kid ( I was about 11) - it made me feel 'mad' and got at and misunderstood - speaking as a former very angry and difficult child, you need to stop projecting forward and imagining an adult you 'don't like' ....it's really not fair on the child.

Thanks waterrat - I didn't say he was a good dad (not that I necessarily think he's not) I said he was a well-meaning dad... he's just a bit lost at the moment and I think he would be the first to say that he isn't doing a good job currently. I don't think I'm being a particularly good step-mother either to be honest. But it's not mine and her relationship that is most important. I feel that I should love her unconditionally and so does he but we are really struggling at the moment.

I do hear how her and her mum interact and I would say it is not really like a mum and daughter, more a couple of teenage friends. I guess that is her parenting style which have to respect but it does leave such a huge gulf between what DD perceives to be good parenting and what her dad offers her.

I realise her Dad is as responsible for how DD turns out, and he knows too. But it's so hard to explain to someone who doesnt know her, just how much of a character her mum is. She has an amazing hold over her DD and can literaly say one word and her whole day is changed.

You're absolutely right, I was a VERY different person at 12 - 17 than I was afterwards and now. We've spoken about how we hope for his DD to end up okay. I'l talk to him about this some more and suggest councelling.