There is so much I want to achieve but can't; because I'm a mum.

[toptramp]

DD is a great achievement of mine but I do have lots of ambitions that are not compatible with being a single mum of a 3 year old.

I would like to do my masters in travel writing but as it involves 3 residential weeks (one of which is abroad) it is not possible.

I would like to return to the Himalayas ands go trekking but dd is far too young and I don't want to give her the required jabs.

I would like to go back and finish my degree in zoology but can't as I have to stick at my sensible job (not that this has anything to do with being mum and also I want my decent pension.

I love dd so much but I feel that my ambitions are bubbling like lava beneath the surface dying to get out.

I have always been such an adventurous person and although I love dd I do feel quite trapped atm.

I would alos quite liek to meet a decent man with shared interests but as I can hardly get out and pursue said interests I feel stuck.

I said to my dad that sometimes I feel that I just can't do anything at all at the moment that I really enjoy outside of motherhood.

Being a good mum doesn't mean being a martyr to your child. Yes, there are compromises, but it doesn't mean you have to give up your dreams. Leaving your daughter for 3 weeks isn't impossible. Does the uni have a creche for its residential schools? Could your parents have your DD?

She won't be 3 forever. Trekking in the Himalayas might need postponing- but there must be other exciting places you could share with your daughter in the shorter term?

Could you do your zoology degree PT or by distance?

I won't do my degree at the moment as I am loath to give up teaching which is a stable career until I have more money behind me.

I only have one parent left and he probably wont have dd until she is a bit older; but then I don't think I can afford to do my masters until she is older anyway.

I would love to take dd travelling but all my cash goes on childminders etc. I'll get there I just need some encouragement. Thanks for the advice.

She won't be 3 for long.

Hold on to your dreams - it may seem as if you're desperately bogged down in toddler neediness right now, but it really won't be that long until she is more independent and you can pick up the pieces one bit at a time.

When she is bigger, your days will have a different rhythm, you can look for different work, see what courses are available, and yes go trekking (book her into a weeks residential adventure holiday and just go). Meantime, try to focus on the positives she brings you right now.

And remember you will still have plenty of time when she is grown.

Thanks guys. You know what? I love being a mum and I am SOOOOOO glad to have her. Part of me just wants to keep having them even though I can't due to lack of man. But there is another part of me that feels stifled and repressed by being mum. I just feel so torn and skitzophrenic Is that normal?

OK, I understand that you may not be able to complete both your masters and your degree, but it is not DD that is holding you back. It is fear.

What is bubbling beneath the surface is not unfulfilled ambition, it is conflict between fear and stability. You have a rational case for toeing the stable line, but you desire the scary one.

To stop the bubbling put a time limit on how long you are willing to lead the stable life and use it to provide for your ambitions thereafter. Your DD will greatly benefit from a year or two in the Himalayas. It will give her an education you couldn't buy in this country.

True. It's the jabs or rather disease that may incure by not having them that I fear. I would truly love just to take her out there when she's old enough.

So how old is old enough? I am almost sure that children are born and thrive in the Himalayas.

My MIL went trekking and climbed mt kilamanjaro aged 75 so it is not like you have to do all the things you want to do at once. Not saying that you have to wait that long but you don't have to do it right now or never. You could wait until she was old enough to enjoy it and take her with you. How amazing would that be? so prepare for that, earn and save and make it the most fab experience to share with your daughter as she grows. You can plan it together over time.

How old are you? why can't you do a degree? work part time. Many women do it. There is nothing wrong with doing some of what you want to do. You just have to plan it more carefully with children and work that little bit harder. It is hard, not impossible.

I can identify with some of your feelings. I have an almost 4yo DS and I would say that (as others have said) the trapped feeling has lessened a great deal as he has got older.

I realise it is important not to force your own interests on your children but luckily he seems to enjoy being adventurous and we have shared some ' adventures' this year- long hilly walks, canoeing, roller coasters, geocatching, snorkelling.I feel there is a possibility that we might have lots of adventures together when he is a bit older and I relish that thought.

DS is the light of my life but I found some of the toddler stages very tedious. That stage has now passed (sods law I now miss some of it ) and I really love spending time together.

Also now that he has started school life has changed and I do have one blissful afternoon to myself a week I have tried canoeing, rafting, climbing, scuba in this afternoon and afterwards I feel wonderful (some people think I am silly but each to their own )

Hang on to your dreams, don't loose sight of your adventurous side. As others have said plan for a time when you follow your dreams. In the meantime look for more small scale opportunities to get some me time and to do things that push you out of your comfort zone.

I have one degree and the debts that it has incurred. I just want my zoology degree (I started ages ago but dropped out due to abusive relationship). Getting my zoologoy degree will fullfil me immensely and give me closure but it won't make me money. I wouldn't care if it weren't for dd.

Hi toptramp, did you ever think of getting a job teaching in an international school? That way you could fufill your ambitions for travelling and earn money and have stability at the same time! Depending on what country you choose the childcare might be much cheaper, and your daughter will be in school herself in only a couple years !

"Thanks guys. You know what? I love being a mum and I am SOOOOOO glad to have her. Part of me just wants to keep having them even though I can't due to lack of man. But there is another part of me that feels stifled and repressed by being mum. I just feel so torn and skitzophrenic Is that normal?"

I feel exactly this, the difference being I've gone on to have 3 very quickly. I'm hoping to just go for it in the NY when the babies turned 1 and start making some of my dreams come true...bit by bit obviously!!

TopTramp - I know how you feel! And I think generations upon generations of women have felt the same.

Hold on to your dreams and be proud of them. Okay, you may not be able to achieve them right now but life is LONG and there is time. Rather than think of them as 'unfulfilled ambitions' perhaps you could think of them as 'challenges to look forwards to'?

You could do the zoology degree once your daughter is at primary school. Or you could go to the Himalayas with your daughter when she is 18!

I went to India with my father when he was 60 and I was 25 - a fabulous bonding experience for us both.

x