Smoking Advice

[GilW12]

I need some advice.

Last year we had to move due to to finances. Our new neighbours are really nice, one of the neighbours have two girls aged 13 and 9. We have a daughter who is 8, occasionally stubborn and moody normally no problem. My neighbour's 9 year old and my daughter are good friends, always playing together. Or were.

Sunday I noticed the girls gone so I went looking for them, found them in the garage, smoking!

I lost my rag with them, I nearly hit my daughter, took my neighbour's daughter home expecting her parents to be upset too, but they weren't, not at all. Calmly the girl's mum said she would deal with it, but seemed not bothered.

I have forbidden my daughter from playing with my neighbour's daughter, who has called round several times since. Apparently it was her sister who gave them the cigarettes! It happened before, but how often my daughter just shrugs.

I had a word with the older girl (who is is very polite and I am so surprised she smokes) who said she did not give them cigarettes, that they must have took them.

While some people I have told are are horrified many think it is funny, some relate stories of them being caught smoking, many say it could be worse as they could have been sniffing glue or drinking alcohol. A friend who is an ex teacher shrugged and said it happens.

I am at a loss how to deal with this. We haven't punished her, although we spent ages lecturing her. I need advice.

Feel free to PM me if you do not wish to post.

As a girl who smoked young I would say find out what her "thing is" Kids not generally bothered about dying/cancer/ill health they think they will live forever or its something you get when old.

Id focus more on the habit forming, the fact that it will dictate your life, when you can have the next one, if this means not seeing family who don't know you smoke you will chose the smoking over them.

Her teeth will be stained. She will smell, people will think she is common. Bigger kids will take them of her, the school will think she couldnt care less. She wont be able to afford to do nice things, its not as "cool" these days as it where when I was young.

Id ask her outright if she wants to be a smoker, highlighting all the above.
If she says no, say right... how many cigs do you think you can smoke before you get hooked. Its such a fine line between trying smoking and becoming a smoker.

Keep an eye out for overuse of mints/chewing gum, burn marks in sleeves, trying to make an excuse to get out of the house even for five minutes.

lecturing to be honest wont make that much difference it didnt to me. However it was the "disappointed in me" element that made me keep it from my parents until I had quit.

I was smoking at about 13, I never really saw the harm in it, didn't assosiate what I was doing with cancer or bad teeth or breath or funds, I was seen as cool and could always get served for them - My parents found out and stopped giving me pocket money, although they always gave me dinner money - I would go halves with another girl and we'd get a £2 pack of 10 for the day ...

I know its more expensive now but try to take away every avenue down which she could go to buy them, my parents were oblivious as I'd say "Oh I had X, Y or Z for lunch" and they would accept it, they found out again when I was 15 and things got a little tougher - They started to drop me off right on 8:30 for school so I didn't have time for one before hand and picked me up at 3:45 so no time after, they also spoke to my head of year about keeping me in at lunch times and I was pretty much grounded for about 3 months by which time a lot of my friends had moved on and I made new different friends who didn't smoke.

If she is stealing them from her friends sister then you need to cut contact with the sister or at worst the friend too. When she comes home check her breath, see if she smells of perfume or body spray (We used to douse ourselves in the stuff) and if she does you need to come down hard on her - at her age you can actually stop her from going out completely! Use this time to do family stuff together to take her mind off it, hopefully if you get her over this interest now she will leave it alone when she does reach teenage years when there is little you can do.

Good luck

had my first cigarette at 7 with a friend of the same age - on the park and we just saw it as a funny thing to do then - and there was some excitement of doing something 'naughty'. It was a one off then though.

However, at 12 it was a different matter. I thought I was grown up and smoked for that reason. It was probably some sort of rebellion against my parents too - as the more they lectured and threatened me etc, the more I did it. It wasn't then a peer thing as none of my friends did and I did it more at home and in private. I was, quite safely to say addicted by 14.

Because your daughter is 9, it's difficult to say whether she's doing it because she really wants to or whether it was a one off, being naughty type of thing, such as when I was 7. I'd be more inclined to think it was just that and at 9 you going mad about it may have scared her enough into not doing it again...

If we were talking of a teenager, I would say discourage as much as you can. But, at the same time, it's not the worst thing they can do. I'd probably be much more worried at 9 though...

Thanks for your replies.

I really do not know whether I should continue to be stern with her or to get her to open up and be sympathetic?

I tried to talk to her about bad teeth, showed her pictures on the net and about smelling, she watched the videos and pictures but whether it had an impact on her, I am not sure, I suspect not.

We, or someone drops her off at school and picks her up.

Should I carry out signet2012 suggestion and ask if she wants to be a smoker, what if she says yes?

I doubt she will.
My point may not of been too clear:

Faced with all the bumpf the cancer, the looks going, stained teeth smelling, etc then ask her hopefully she will say no! She was just trying it etc.

to which you can say "how many people who smoke do you think wanted to be smokers, want to risk cancer, wanted to smell, have no money... do you think thats what they wanted for their lives when they tried a cigarette in their mums garage? Do you think they thought that twenty years later they would still be smoking, tenner a day to stink, feel like shit (id actually say shit to shock her) to worry if every cough they have is cancer? To have to go outside like a leper at every single social event?

No, they probably thought they where clever, having the odd sneaky fag i their mums garage too.

When you have a naughty cig your not just risking been caught, thats the least of your worries, your risking been addicted to a costly, dangerous and anti social habit for the rest of your life.

that kinda approach I meant :)

Id also limit who she hangs about with and free time not supervised.