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Parenting

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Original poster

Is he as crap as I think?

16 replies

peckarollover · 05/01/2006 14:52

I have a DD age 6. Split up with her Dad when she was 1. WE had to move out of the family home as exDH simply refused to.

He still lives there.

DD visits once a week HOWEVER has never set foot back in our old home because exDH goes to his mothers to stay and the visit takes place there. So the mother does all the feeding, cooking, bathtimes, shopping, pays bills etc his contribution to me is £35 a week.

I do all of the fetching and carrying as he doesnt drive so for 5 years have collected and dropped her off in the car.

I pack her a bag with all clothes etc to go down to stay with.

So basically he pays £35 (he is on about 20 - 25k i would guess) and pops down to his mums to see her once a week.

OP posts:

otto · 05/01/2006 15:02

Yes, he is crap. My dp split up with his wife a number of years ago. We have his dd to stay every other weekend for the full weekend, and half the holidays. Dp always picks her up and drops her off, pays double the CSA payment even though we can't really afford that and he also pays for swimming lessons, french lessons, drama lessons and anything else she needs. Oh, and she never comes to us with a packed bag. We have clothes and a full set of stuff for her. Also, ex-wife has the house.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 15:12

Yep, he's crap.

Utterly crap.

Almost astonishingly crap.

Except that the threshold to be considered a brilliant dad is astonishingly low. If he was a woman, he'd have lost the right to contact by now.

But he probably thinks he's a brilliant dad. He pays maintenance and sees his dd regularly.

Original poster

peckarollover · 05/01/2006 15:14

he does, if I challenge him he says well I take her to a pantomime on boxing day. That is his yearly contribution to his daughter. He also maintains that 35 is plenty and that if I put 35 to it to make 70 is ample enough to bring up a child.

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Sadeyedladyofthelowlands · 05/01/2006 15:20

Does he have her for holidays?

Kittypickle · 05/01/2006 15:22

He's crapper than you think.

mazzystar · 05/01/2006 15:24

How would he know how much money is needed to bring up a child? HE hasn't done it for 5 years!

Will stop being indignant on your behalf now.

Maybe you need to expect a bit more from him?

hotmama · 05/01/2006 15:25

Yes he is crap. TBH most dads are crap when they split up from the mum - in my experience.

My mum used to give us more pocket money than the maintenance that she received from my dad (and he was a deputy headteacher at at a secondary school)

You are probably not alone if this makes you feel any better.

edam · 05/01/2006 15:25

Bet he spends more than £70 a week on his own house, utility bills, food, clothing, transport, etc. etc. etc. Funny how some absent parents think children can live on fresh air, isn't it?

edam · 05/01/2006 15:28

My dad used to pay £10 a week each (so £20 a week) in the 1980s. He was a senior manager earning enough to buy a four-bedroom house for his second wife. And the court order for maintenance was made out wrongly so he stopped paying when each of us was 16, rather than when we left school.

He has turned into a not-bad father to us as adults, now we don't really need him. Bizarrely. Don't really think about it most of the time but when something reminds me I still bear a huge grudge.

grammaticus · 05/01/2006 15:51

He's not as crap as some. Have you thoght about going to the CSA to get the maintenance you are entitled to? Basic rule is 15% of take home pay but modified for overnight stays or other children.

dieselten · 05/01/2006 16:09

He sounds like a little boy who is incapable of taking any initiative. He's got both you and his mummy running round sorting everything out for him. Lucky little man.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 16:13

I must admit, I would not organise his contact visits. That is up to him to do.

Original poster

peckarollover · 05/01/2006 17:05

DH goes mad about how much I do for him. I think I feel his guilt that he doesnt and try to overcompensate so DD has a half decent relationship with him.

I just called him as hadnt heard which day he would be having DD this weekend "I'm not, Im going to york for the weekend" Oh. Right. Cheers

OP posts:

dieselten · 05/01/2006 18:06

Selfish little boy. He comes first and everybody else should just fall in with his plans. Raaaaaaaaah. Men like that need a good kick up the arse. I hear what you say about overcompensating, you're dd is very lucky to have such a caring mum.

deaddennis · 05/01/2006 18:17

He sounds a lot like my ex Pecca. He spends most of his time with them at his mums house although they do actually sleep at his. He gives me £75 pw for 4 children so £35 sounds like quite a lot to me. All that could change soon though as apparently he is in court tomorrow.

nannyme · 05/01/2006 19:24

My Ex-OH is on less than that - more like £14 000 and CSA have told him to pay £200 a month. He sees them less than one night a week. If it was more than that then he would have to give me less. Don't think CSA care who pays/provides what so would definitely stop providing everything at your expense. What he and his mother do doesn't come into it really. Just make sure YOU are getting the financial help you deserve.

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