Middle Child Syndrome. Huh?

[thegingerone]

Just about to pop out DC3. Was chatting to my friend who has three boys and she asked me if I was concerned about MCS? I racked my brain for anything that I might have read about MCS, but still nothing ,so I, embarassed, just muttered, smiled and said "fingers crossed it won't be an issue".
I googled and I think it basically means that middle kids get a bit "lost" in the family, ignored by parents, as they're not a PFB, and not spoiled like their "baby" brother or sister. This means that they have no confidence or leader ship skills and generally are passive.
I look at my almost five year old and think at the moment he shows no signs of MCS (but he is currently the baby!) He's bossy, confident and a gorgeous PITA!!!
What do you think? Do any of you parents of three plus think that the middle one gets a raw deal?

I think like anything else, it depends just as much on the personality of the children themselves - birth order maybe affects you to some extent, but some people would be more confident etc no matter what.

I'm a middle child - I'd agree you don't have the same "attention" sometimes as the eldest - I got all kinds of freedom that big sis had to fight for, so I had a smoother ride. And there was more assumption that I would just "get on with stuff" where our parents had been more focussed on issues the first time they dealt with them, but were more relaxed second time round.

But I don't think this has left me lacking in confidence etc, I'm quite possibly more "self-contained" from having more freedom to just get on with things!

I am a middle child and yes you do get a bit lost in the attention stakes. But middle children therefore also get very good at adapting, seeing things from different points of view (cos they understand being the young one and being the older one dependent on context) Makes them good negotiators. Not everything is about being a leader...or maybe there are different ways of leading. Anyway with this birth position stuff you will see that theres pros and cons to each birth position
But you can be very sidelined in a family as the middle one

My brother solved any hint of MCS for himself by being my mother's favourite.

Load of old bollocks imho! And am a middle child myself. We are totally opposite to the 'stereotype' in every way.

Your ds sounds like he'll hold his own just fine.

I'm the eldest of three, my sister, the middle one hasn't even the slightest hint of MCS, in fact people normally think she's the oldest (we're only 18m apart) because she's so confident and leader-like.
I think it's more to do with the personalities in the family and how they interact.

This worries me too having just had ds3. Ds2 has always been a pretty confident wee thing, and pretty self contained anyway. He also never shuts up for longer than a minute or two (he's 2.6) and that hasnt changed since ds3 was born (9 weeks), but I do notice that he has come for cuddles more often in the last couple of weeks, maybe just to ensure that he still gets them.

Think I might overdo it if I'm not careful though as my brother was the middle child, and I think he had mcs, so am concious of trying to stop that happen to my own ds2. Just not sure how to without going too far the other way.

I have 3dds and middle childness didn't occur to me once . My husband is a middle child and like daveywarbecks brother is the favourite.

My mum has occasionally said to me about dd2 behaviour "oh its middle child syndrome", but she behaved like that when she was the youngest so I don't really get it .

Interesting! I'm a bit about this birth position stuff myself. Also there is the age gap stuff to consider. My three are 8, 5 (ish) and newbie (to be) so "middle child" has been baby of two for sooooo long and has above mentioned personality! I'm oldest of three but number three only appeared ten years after me and eight years after my brother and my brother is just shy by nature! Also he (brother) is only boy and my mum "worried" about him more as I was more outgoing. I guess I can see it from my friend's POV as she had three close together. (I remember feeling a bit guilty about "missing" ds1's second year as I was TTC then pg but balanced out by the fact he had me all to himself for a bit before) I've had ages with my big two (including three years of ds1 being at school and hanging out with just ds2) before even getting pg (or ttc) this one.

I think the fact you are aware that middle child syndrome can happen means you will take steps to avoid it. You will celebrate the achievements of ALL your children. You will make sure you spend special time with dc2 and that dc2 has some new things from time to time. You will make sure that ds2 has the chance to persue hobbies and not just get dragged after dc1.

Often a big fuss is made about the first child starting school, because its new step for the entire family. It is the same when dc1 learns to swim, pass grade 1 or says his first word, pisses in the potty or learns to walk. Sadly the novety is not there when dc2 does these things. Dc3 gets a lot of attention for being the baby.

I think the middle child affect is more pronounced when the first two children are the same sex and the third child is the opposite sex. My sil has this problem and I feel very sorry for her ds2. SIL was deeply disappointed to have a second son and her second son is very much the scrapegoat child in her family and her eldest is the golden child. The second born behaviour is compared to a child two year older than himself and ineviditably the poor child falls short.

I worried about this with 3 DDs, as my siter had terrible middle child syndrome (despite the fact there are 4 of us - last 2 are twins). My DDs 1 and 3 look alike and are very similar in personality - DD1 and 3 need a lot of reassurance and cuddles but DD2 is a lot more self-contained. I talked to my mother about it, and she told me not to worry as she saw me offering the same sort of attention to DD2 - it's just that DD2 only takes me up on it when it suits her I make sure we make a lot of DD2's achievements, and also that we turn up to anything special - just because we've seen the Reception year nativity before doesn't mean we should't go again.

TBH, my middle sister would probably have been difficult regardless of her birth position - it's just what she's like. I'd agree with reallytired - because you're aware of it means you'll make sure it doesn't happen to your DS2 (who sounds like he'll hold his own anyway!).

I'm the youngest of three, but always wondered if my middle sister's amazing diplomacy, flexibility, openness and people skills are in part a function of her position in the family.

Suckit...your post has made me thing that MCS might be of benefit if ds2 develops some diplomacy and flexibility. He's a complete dictator who has been stubborn beyond believe headstrong since his day of birth.

i have 3 ds quite close together and i do wonder about this at times. obviously i do give attention to all of them but for ds2 because ds1 talks so much i feel like what if he is missing out a bit cos of that? but once ds1 goes to nursery then ds2 will be like the oldest for that time and maybe that will be good for him..
tbh i dont think there is much you can do anyway, you cant change their birth order or age gaps or anything so just have to get on with it and try to do the best for them as you can.
but for you, your ds2 has a big gap and already developed a confident personality so i think he should be fine!!! i wouldnt worry much about it.
my ds2 is more quiet and delayed speach, but out of the 3 of them everyone tends to love him so much cos he knows how to appeal to people, he is really sociable and smiliy friendly etc.. i think they each just have their own personalities and will find their own ways to fit in the family

I'm married to a 'middley', and he is confident, independent and hilarious. In contrast, his personality is rather different to his siblings, though he has rather a lot in common with his younger sister (humour, TV likes etc). I would disagree with the notion that they are passive agressive, lacking in confidence and leadership skills. DH bucks this trend completely, though he may be an exception rather than the rule.

He was the only boy though, so not sure if that then makes him a 'PFB Boy'

It would never ever bother me if I had three, wouldn't even think of it, though I do hear people talk about it a lot, rather like other 'myths' of childhood and parenting

It's funny because I'd never heard of it before my friend asked. I did have a mild awareness of birth order and how it could affect perceived personality traits but not of that as being a "syndrome" affecting middle kids!!
My DH and I have a bit of a policy of treating each child as a "bit of an only child" when we can manage it.(Thanks to the age gap, things are appropriate/relevant at diff times) I'm obviously not practised yet at doing that with three and as the boys have become older there is more of a tendency to "treat" them to the same outings/stuff.( This one is prob a girl so that'll be a whole new thread on avoiding gender specific expectations!)

Hey ho! I'm sure all three will survive my parenting and just end up being whoever they are meant to be!!

One thing my parents did with me and my sis was set certain things to our ages, so as to differentiate. Eg, TV in rooms at same age, ears peirced at same age. Avoided the elder one (me) feeling fobbed off at having to wait longer, and worked the other way round too, I got a later bedtime, which lil sis had to wait until she reached the right age for.

Fairest way, imo.

We try to differentiate according to age too, but I do suspect a bit of "2nd child gets to the later bedtime a bit sooner" creeping in. Whoops!

Actually I believe my brother never went to bed any earlier than me.

Off to have a word (30 years overdue) with my DAD!!!

I loved being a middle child: fewer expectations than on bigger brother, more responsibility than little brother.

My sister is a MC and went through a stage of MCS when she was a teenager when i think she felt it keenly. Her way was to act out a bit rather than become passive or withdrawn. Parents treated us all the same but eldest sister and i were high achievers academically. Middle sister is very clever and had she desired to apply herself would have achieved lots, but academia wasn't for her. She's now a great mum, has no lasting effects of MCS at all and we're a very close family. She's also very confident, sociable and funny. It could all of course have just been good old healthy sibling rivalry!

My DDad and DH were both the middle child. They are both quiet, unassuming accepting blokes. They had to be.
DHs older brother was the golden boy, younger sister the princess. He was ignored and controlled in equal measures.
DDad the same.
I think the fact that you are aware of this goes a long way to avoiding it. However, I equally believe the personality of the child in question will see it through and it sounds like your DS will make sure he doesn't get "lost"

My DS2 is developing raging MCS .... But he's the youngest!

DS1 went through a bit of a frustrated middle child phase, but now seems to have carved a niche for himself.

DD1 definitely gets a raw deal. I try to counteract that but it's still a fact that DS is the one doing everything first so necessarily gets attention from that, while DD2 is still a baby and needs lots of attention -- the amount of time spent concentrating on DD1 has dropped hugely since DD2 was born. We don't normally have the time for long rambling conversations or just sitting and snuggling. I think (hope?) it will improve when DD2 gets a bit older and easier to leave, and DD1 has a sufficiently... ahem... forceful personality that I can't see her being overlooked entirely, but it is an issue, far more so than the change for DS when DD1 was born.

DD2 is the middle child and we tried to make sure she had the same amount if attention as her sisters. But she had always lacked confidence. Even now she us nearly 22 she still is not very confident and has low self esteem in some situations. But she is getting better and is doing well at uni. She is good at making friends and will now strike up conversations with new people. I did find that she would compare herself with her elder sister. DD1 was good at Maths and Science but DD2 just didn't get those subjects. She was better at English and creative subjects. They both ended up with 2 A's and a C at A level. Anyway I digress they now all get on fine together.

I think you have to be aware it can be an issue, but it need not be if you are conscious of it. It also depends on their personality.

I think our DC1 gets attention because what ever he is going through is new for us to, and DC3 gets babied a bit. We have made a conscious effort to make sure DC2 does not get overlooked as is quite self contained and chilled