Control Freak Warning - reluctant to have DS babysat

[AussieSim]

DS is nearly 9.5mths and so far I haven't been apart from him for more than a few hours. I don't mind leaving him with my PIL for a couple of hours in the afternoon to go to my language lesson or with my DH while I get some shopping done, but I now have offers from the PIL and the SIL to sit with him at night to let me and DH go to the pictures or whatever but I still don't feel that great about taking them up on it. (As some of you know my DH is only home weekends, so I am usually on my own with DS 5/7 days a week)

My SIL has no baby experience (although she is now in early stages of pregnancy) and I consider my PIL to be a bit rusty and not all that confident or respectful of my parenting preferences.

My FIL won tickets to a UEFA Soccer game and I've never been to a European soccer game and I knocked them back even though a voice in my head was telling me I should just bite it and go and let MIL mind him. In the last 12mths I have been to the pictures once, when I used to go once a week when I lived Downunder.

DS usually sleeps through from 7pm to 7am, but will occasionally have a little cry but settle back himself or very occasionally may need to be resettled with the very discreet introduction of those little homeopathic camomile balls that just remind him to suck his thumb. I worry that at the first peep they will pick him up and I'll come home and he will have been up for hours and then I'd have to bfeed him back to sleep and then it would take a couple of days to get him back in his lovely GF routine.

I guess I also worry about the stress on the sitters if this happens and that they will think I lie about my lovely boy.

I guess I'm just a control freak who thinks she is irreplaceable. How did you guys get over reluctance to leave baby?

its funny how you tell them that at x oclock he does that and he needs this But in the end they forget all these rules when they are with someone else and just do as they please.

Your parents in law know what to do - and any way even if they do break your rules - so what? he is only 9 months - he wont remember that they force fed him Buttons!

YOu can get restricted by a routine you know!

Go and give ourself a break - he will thank you for it

I've discovered that even if a babysitter does things I wouldn't do (milk in the night, brings dd downstairs for a bit, etc) DD doesn't expect it from me the next night. She's 17 months now but has been babysat regularly since 2 months. She appears to know that she won't get away with it with me...

Can't you put a big sign on DS's door with the rules on it? I have a "babysitter notice" on a kitchen cupboard door that says "if this happens, try this and then this and then the last resort is ...". Although its easier with paid sitters than with PILs (who think they must know better than you and are itching for a chance to prove it ).

Can you go out to a very local restaurant for an evening, with mobile phone, and leave instructions for them to call you at the first whimper? Just to ease yourself into this babysitting thing gradually. First time I had a night out I spent the whole time thinking about dd until dh gave up in disgust and took me home. At 9:30.

OMG you sound just like me . I too used to do this although only with ds, for some reason it didn't bother me with dd (oldest). I have bitten the bullet (so to speak) and am now able to go away overnight and am now planning a trip to Amsterdam for the new year.

It wasn't easy to begin with so I'd second the letting it happen gradually, start with the cinema but go and come straight back then progress onto having a meal then coming back so that you're gone for a couple of hours. You don't have to go anywhere until his asleep then you know that he went off alright (I do this and it reassures me for the evening).

The lists sound like a good idea even if you are the only one who will read them

Lol Zerub!

Oh and dont worry about he stress on the sitters - presumably your PIL didnt do a bad job on DH?

dd is 2 now and we've had a night away once (very recently) and about 4 nights out together - also quite recently ! I've been b/fing to sleep which makes it more difficult for anyone else to help but dd starting nursery and discovering she could go to lseep all on her own in the afternoon (why not for me ??!!!) was the major breakthrough. So far only my mum and dp have babysat, I still wouldn't feel happy with a stranger and don't trust childless friends ! So just to let you know you're not alone in this, but hope you get out sooner than I did ! NB the one time we trusted PIL to babysit, returned home at 2am with very tired, sad baby still up Never again !

Bet the baby slept then tho?!!

I am also a bit of a control freak! We used PIL when dd was about your little ones age (also a GF baby) and it was fine. Things are great now, I am happy to leave her with a babysitter although I have not yet been away overnight - not ready yet! We went on holiday last year and my GF baby decided she would rather not sleep so we left her playing with the babysitter and went out, I worried all night, did not have a good time and when we got back were informed that she was absolutely charming, had played until about 21h30 when she fell asleep on the floor and was taken to her travel cot! Babysitter loved the evening... GRR!

I am also a control freak and won't let my in-laws anywhere near ds without me being there. I tell everyone its because he has allergies and I don't want him winding up dead because they give him something stupid to eat, but TBH I think that is mearly a convenient excuse.

By the time I'd trekked him and all his gear over to their house, then gone and done whatever and then driven back and picked him up its simply not worth it and it's just easier to take him with me. I also hate the way they say "it'll give you a break" because I feel as if by accepting I am saying that I need a break, and therefore can't cope. They only really help people if they can tell other's about how desperate that person was IYSWIM, and I've no desire for them to tell all their friends how they have to look after him because I'm so exhausted. Stupid pride.

On the other side of the coin when my parents come over I'm more than happy for them to do everything for him, and leave him with them because they don't get to see him much and they want to spend time with him. They never suggest that it gives me a break, they just say they love him and want to be with him. I'm not sure if its because its my parents, or because I trust them more, or because they actually enjoy looking after him rather than making it sound like some kind of christian duty.

Goodness me I'm rambling this morning.

nine and a half months and you haven't gone out?!!!!!!!!!!

aussie sim, you are blessed with a baby that sleeps from 7 to 7. So get the PILs around, leave the house at 8 once the little darling is asleep, and go and have a nice time. And then do it at least once a week.

I think you have forgotten that you are a person as well as a mummy, and that your PILs managed to raise at least one child safely and successfully. Go! Do it! Your poor DH must be wondering what happened to the girl he married and used to go out with of an evening.....

I am the same, totally anal about who looks after the twins but that is because they are such a handful. Only my parents get to babysit really and then only for a few hours as they find it a bit tiring! Unfortunately they live too far away to babysit regularly to let us out as a couple (the cinema is where we would love to go more often!!!)

I'm a stay-at-home mum and feel that it would be nice to have someone to trust. But in-laws drink too much and sil is too "handy" with her own hyper son. I wouldn't let them look after a worm from the garden!

No advice re the babysitting (don't like leaving DS much either) but I am intrigued about the camomile balls - what are they?

I hope this doesn't sound too critical but I don't think it does children any good to encourage them to be totally dependant on you. I wonder what would happen if you carried on like this for a while longer, and then for some reason you were not able to care for your ds - if you were in hospital, for example. Perhaps by that time he would be so reliant on your presence that he would be totally unable to cope without you.

IMO it is kinder to teach children to be independant of you. Their dependance might be something that makes you feel better but it's not an advantage for them.

You know so many people say "trust your PILs, DH is ok isn't he?". Its got me thinking... When DH was a baby, MIL went on a trip to London with him. She's all excited about going shopping, and she's in a taxi (DH in arms of course) when she suddenly realises that shopping won't be much fun with a babe-in-arms (literally, she didn't bring a pram). She says as much to the driver. Friendly London cabbie says don't worry, leave him on the back seat and I'll drive him around for a while, while you shop. MIL says, what a good idea!
Its a good job DH is the spitting image of his dad or we wouldn't be sure MIL got the same baby back...

When DD was small MIL offered to drive us somewhere, and I said there wouldn't be room for us all and the carseat; MIL looked at me as though I was mad and said but you can hold her on your lap can't you?

Sorry AussieSim, don't mean to put you off - I'm sure your PILS are quite competent to look after your sleeping DS!

Great tale zerub
Don't think that's going to help Aussiesim's nerves though!

my mum took me to a party when I was 3 months old - stuck me up in a bedroom in a moses basket. when she got back home a few hours later, she got a phone call from the hosts who said "is this your baby that is still in our spare bedroom?" !!! she'd forgotten she'd taken me there!

still trust her to look after my children though

DS is 15-16mths now. can count on one hand the number of times both me and dh have been out together. Especially don't like leaving him with MIL - she asks me the most stupid questions as though I won;t have thought of something like remembering to take nappies when we tke DS out. She has a 'thing' about him getting enough fluids as well. She is lovely but a bit forceful - somethings are better left unsaid - we are capable and intelligent enough to do these things.
Does anyone else find themselves biting their tongue constantly with MILs?

Do you all remember when those 6-month-old twins were "sold" over the Internet, From the USA, came to live with some couple in north Wales. They had previously been placed for adoption with a couple in California, who were devastated to lose the twins.

Anyway, the father in the California couple was subsequently accused of rape by a teenage babysitter... and this is the one that got me. WOULD YOU leave your 5 month old twins in the care of some neighbourhood teenager -- on repeated occasions???? I don't think so.

Janstar - we are talking about babies. I have hardly been apart from my 8 month old ds and he will happily be held or left in a room with anybody. Yesterday a shop assistant gave him a cuddle while I tried some things on. Contrast this with some of my friends babies of the same age who have been left with relatives and in day care and by your reckoning should be more able to cope. They freak out totally when mum goes away and won't be held by anyone else. Mum going in hospital would be stressful for any baby, regardless of whether mum had had a weekly trip to the pictures.

I have said that my reasons for not leaving ds are complex and I don't fully understand them myself. However I completely refute that by giving him a very stable loving parent close by at all times ds is somehow missing out. Whether I am missing out? - well that is another thing...

Babies soon grow. I am thinking about the situation if it goes on much longer - that is in fact what I said.

bobthebaby, I hate to say this but at 8 months old your baby probably hasn't gone through seperation anxiety yet - he will.

I think all you control freaks should have another baby immediately - then you HAVE to be more relaxed about things!

I am just feeling inferior about lack of energy/willpower to organise babysitters and go out with DP. We do go out on our own - a bit - does that count?

DD is 6 and DS is 2 and I have never left them overnight with babysitters. That's how big a freak I am Of course I have left them with DS, but never with anyone else. Also I will only let the grandparents babysit and I don't even like that......I am not sure why. Mainly because I have children who regularly wake up needing something in the night or I have experienced scary attacks of croup and other sickness in the night and I am not sure anyone would be able to handle it.My MIL puts everything down to teething and also believes children should be left to cry. I never leave my children to cry and I always let them into my bed if they wake up with nightmare/sickness, so I guess I have set myself up for difficulties with babysitting.....
I hate to admit this, but I will anyway so you can all feel very normal. I don't even like leaving them with DH during the night. I just have this thing about the nights. I have to be there for my children. During the day I am a different person and would probably quite happily leave them with the taxi-driver for a few hours......Only joking. I can't believe that story Zerub. How responsible....

Tomps, why is it that our children will sleep so easily in nursery, but not with us ?

AussieSim,

Your feelings are understandable and I remember being exactly the same. The only way to 'get over it' is to bite the bullet and let your SIL / PIL babysit one evening. Once you've crossed that boundary you'll find it easier the next time.

When I voiced my fears like yours to my dh he said impatiently - "what do you think will happen - that dd will spontaneously combust if you leave the house whilst she is asleep". Although I was annoyed with him at the time he had a point - and I now go out for the odd evening without a backwards glance.

Aussiesim - I think that the first time is the hardest but I would definitely advise you to go for it. Start off gently by going somewhere local - if you go to the cinema you could put your mobile on silent vibrate so you're not out of contact. You are fortunate that your DS goes to sleep fairly early and reliably so put him to bed yourself and then go for it. If he's in his own home and everything is as normal he should feel fairly secure even if he wakes up which as you say is unlikely.

I understand about the stress to the sitters because I had that anxiety as well. But somehow DS always seems to have a good day for a babysitter.