How to help a nearly-two-year old be less scared of other children?

[AngelDog]

Any suggestions would be welcome please.

He's a pfb, and I look after him full time.

We go to a toddler group, a creche (I stay with him) each week, as well as swimming lessons and occasional park meet-ups / coffee with friends, so he sees other children regularly.

He had bad separation anxiety from about 7 months, although it has much improved now. He is only happy being left with his grandmothers (or my DH) but he's now happy to approach and 'chat' to other adults (as long as they don't try to touch him before he's got used to them). He is still scared stiff of other children though.

He has a strong sense of personal space and hates anyone (adults or children) invading it. He hates being in a small enclosed space with another child (or with an adult he doesn't know). He also gets upset if there are other people blocking the way from him to me.

Friendly children are the worst as they come up close to talk to him or reassure him that they won't hurt him. He just screams hysterically. Sitting on my lap while another child approaches is still terrifying for him.

He did seem to be improving, but we visited friends at the weekend with a friendly 3 year old who just wanted to talk to him / give him toys etc. DS was completely freaked out and spent most of the day sitting on my lap, crying or bf'ing for comfort and reassurance.

Since then he has been terrified of any child anywhere near him. We had the same situation (only not quite so bad) last time he was in the same room with a child who wanted to interact with him. In a busy situation (like creche or the changing rooms at swimming) he now wants to stick right by my side at all times.

He is very verbal and is keen to communicate with adults but is not easily understood by people who don't know him well, and he doesn't really use words to communicate with other children yet.

When not feeling worried about other children he's happy to go off and play independently although he likes to know that either DH or I are around so he can find us if he needs us.

He is very big for his age (99.6th centile height/weight) but is equally scared of crawling babies half his size as well as bigger children.

I am dreading 2 days of visiting family at Christmas where my 3 year old nephew will be wanting to play with DS and give him cuddles.

Any tips?

Sorry, that was a bit of an essay.

Has anything happened, any specific incident to make him so afraid?

What do you do when a child comes up to him?

Well, he's always been wary of other children, but it was being approached by an enthusiastic 3 year old wanting to play with him which sparked off the current bout of anxiety. Most of the children we spend time with don't try to interact with him, which he can cope with.

If a child comes up to him & he's afraid, he wails "Mummy!", starts to cry and looks around desperately for me and holds out his hands to me (but if the child is between him & me he won't move towards me). I go to him and usually try to cuddle him on the floor but if he's too upset, I'll pick him up. He often then asks for a bf.

I try to express how he's feeling 'were you frightened because the boy came up to you?' and explain that the child was being friendly. I then reassure him that I'm with him and will look after him. I don't tell him 'it's alright' because from his point of view it clearly isn't.

I try not to always assume it's him being scared eg I might ask 'were you scared because the boy came up to you or were you upset because you wanted to play with that car?' He will almost always tell me it was because he was scared of the other child.

In a situation where there's potential for him to get upset I'll give him warning of it so we can avoid him getting scared. eg in creche if I have to walk over to the other side of the room for some reason, I'll say, "DS, I've got to go over here for a few minutes. Would you like to stay there and play on your own, or come with me?"

When he's happy then he'll usually choose to stay and play where he is but at the moment he'll always choose to come with me.

There are no external reasons why he shouldn't be a secure and confident boy IYSWIM. We co-sleep, he bf's more or less on request (often! ) and he's only ever been left with anyone other than DH or me (ie his grandmothers) on a handful of occasions, when he has been perfectly happy.

I practice 'benign neglect' in that I try to give him attention if he needs it but let him get on with things on his own if he doesn't want it - I wouldn't describe myself as a helicopter parent.

I've tried not to push him into situations which scare him, although I've not tried to remove him from them completely either.

He's been bad again today - he was a bit nervous of a (child-free) adult friend we visited today, terrified of her dog (understandable), really scared of the market traders shouting and crying any time I moved more than a step or two away from his pushchair.

It's as if an incident when he's scared sets off all his old separation anxiety again.

It was just time that sorted things out before, so maybe waiting till he's older is all I can do now.

I wondered if he sees you interacting much with other kids? So he sees you interact with adults and knows it's not scary but kids are a different matter (and are unpredictable, like dogs!)

So when he does get scared, can you acknowledge the fear as you do, then get down and start playing with another child so he can see it's ok? (perhaps once he's calmed down, then he can watch from a safe distance and join in later). It could be simple interaction like swapping a toy or pushing cars between each other. Also talk to DS while you're doing it. this will probably work better with playdate settings than playgroups?

I think around this age, toddlers do develop quite rational fears (or existing fears get worse) as they have more imagination etc. DS has developed a fear of loud noises now which he never really had before - he comes running to me/DH or if I'm making the noise he's off. I'll put him on my lap, I label the fear for him then try and show him how it works from a safe distance if possible but obviously don't force it.

I guess my ramble is that he'll be guided by you - so if he sees you or your DH play with kids then he might get better quicker. Plus don't worry too much about whether he should be confident or not now - I can find little children intimidating at times simply because you don't always know what they're going to do

Hmmm, my DD is the same age and exactly the same as your son. I had told myself it was quite normal, but you've got me wondering now...!

Umm, sorry, are you me??

My 21 month old DS is just like this :( has been getting me down for a month or so, but I do hope it will pass.

I am also interested in this thread as my dd is 12mo and just starting to display this sort of behaviour.

CatL, I thought it was normal - well, within the normal range at least, although I don't know any other children who are like this.

It does make life difficult though so I was wondering whether I could do anything to help it get better faster.

Iggly, that's a good point. He doesn't see me interact with other children much, and in creche I'm usually holding a baby and / or reading with other children which doesn't do much to model interaction for him.

In the past he's always been very upset if I play with / cuddle another child but it's improved in the last few months. I did notice last week at creche though that he was a bit upset at points when I had another child on my lap.

I think it's the same reasoning that makes him upset when there's another child between him & me - he can't get to me without having to get close to the thing that makes him frightened IYSWIM.

Maybe you can change your position - so you have your DS in front or next to you, arm around him. Then interact with the other child - so he knows that you're keeping him "safe" as it were? I do this with DS if he's unsure about something. With other kids they'll pass me toys, I then pass them to DS, for example.

Hi Angel

Yep, my DD (now almost 22 months) has a milder version of this - very wary of other small children, including crawling babies - and indeed of dogs. She's fine with older children and adults, though.

Not much advice to offer except maybe just carry on as you are, constantly reassuring your DS and making sure he has a safe "link" with you when he's worried. I'm trying to encourage my DD to spend time (supervised) with one or two other children at a time, so a less intimidating environment than a toddler group, in the hope she will gradually get accustomed to them. She seems to have been better lately, so here's hoping.
I suspect this is a common fear of certain personality-types at this age and I also suspect that in time they usually grow out of it.

Yes, I suspect it is to do with a certain personality type. I was shy as a child, and DH is a bit introverted (well, more than me anyway:)) so it's easy to see some of those characteristics in us.

I'll try to make an effort when I meet up with other mums - normally we just chat while assuming the DC will entertain themselves.

Well, that's essentially what I do too, but just try and keep an eye on the LOs so I can (hopefully) intervene if she's in a situation where she might panic.....!

Hi, how is your son doing now? I am having same problem with my 2 year old DD. your response would be highly appreciated!!!