When AP gets tough - Would appreciate some advice

[McKTastic]

I have a gorgeous 6m old DD. We have loosely fallen into AP - we fully co sleep, I cue BF etc etc My other friends who have kids do things slightly differently which is fab I just need some advice about where we're at at the moment.

Have looked at the high needs baby thread - my DD has a lovely nature but often this is dependent upon being held by me, fed by boob, sleeping on me. I reckon this is pretty normal but she'll only settle/sleep with me. She has v bad eczema which means she wakes a lot to scratch :( I hate seeing her so uncomfortable but she settles well with
boobmilk and seems to get enough sleep. Her sleep pattern is not what you'd call 'normal' - it is for her but maybe not good for modern life?! She tends to sleep from when we all go to bed around 10 till around 11 every morning. Quite often she'll be snoozing from 8 - this is always lying on me. I love watching her sleep & although it's very restricting keep thinking it'll pass too quickly so I should enjoy it.
Cut to the point - although am happy with our parenting choices it's felt very difficult the last few weeks. I went to GP as I've not felt physically well since having DD & have been diagnosed with an extremely under active thyroid. I've other health concerns at the mo but hoping once the thyroid is under control I'll feel much better. I'm exhausted at the mo but I don't want to change the way I do things with my daughter at her expense. I'm finally looking for advice here as I had to go to hospital last night to get checked out for chest pains. My DM &D looked after DD. She was tired when we had to leave & I knew she'd find it difficult to settle. When we returned home she was
breaking her heart. It took me about an hour to try and comfort her. I felt awful at abandoning her. I guess what I'm asking is - are we doing the right thing for our DD if she'll only settle/sleep with me & now I'm not well that might not always be possible? I want what's best for her not to just have to abandon her to 'cope' if I can't be there.

I didn't set out to parent with an AP ethos, but that's how it's worked out because my twins settle so quickly if you respond quickly, sleep much better in my bed etc, so it is what works for us.

Also as a happy coincidence, we've spent a lot oftime with my mum, in our house. I have also left my babies with my mum for short periods of time from a few months old. Because my mum is often around, and when she is we effectively co-parent, popping in and out of rooms, passing babies back and forth etc, they have become pretty much as attached to her as the are with me.

I left them overnight for the first time last week - they're 13 months. They generally cosleep, feed to sleep and feed 3 or 4 times each in the night, so I had no idea how mum would cope with them overnight (in our house). She put them to bed in their cots and try went to sleep, she lifted them for a cuddle on the 1 occasion they each woke and then put them back in their cots, and she didn't need to offer milk in a beaker overnight as they just settled.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wholeheartedly agree with AP methods of parenting. But to avoid a distraught daughter, can you get your mum to spend time with you, at your house, taking a completely active parenting role while you're there? Then she may become as interchangeable with you are my mum is with me. I have suffered your mum - obviously this could be your DH, but they tend to work during the day, and personally I think they become exciting people who are there at weekends and sometimes in the evening. What you're looking to develop is a very close person for your daughter, who is as normal, mundane and boring as you are

Good luck. Personally, I wouldn't change your parenting and cause distress to your daughter now to prevent a bit if distress at some notional future point that you might have to leave her. She might surprise you next time and sleep well like my two did

Have you looked at your diet? A reduction in dairy products may make you both feel better? I only suggest this as I know some babies with milk allergies react to mother's breastmilk.

My own experience of AP is that it is the easiest way to raise a child and requires the least amount of effort over a long period to get the best possible result. I often think non-AP parents are making a rod for their own back, but maybe that's because I have an easy child.

Dr. Sears has some really good advice on his website for dealing with high needs babies. Also your daughter is getting old enough to have another care giver settle her, but maybe they should start doing that on the good days to give you a break on the bad days.

We AP and DH is definitely an exciting person. We actually had a live in nanny and DS would settle for her as easily as for me, or as well as he did for me without boob! She's had to leave as her mother is ill and they have a family business but we'll be replacing her, which I'm quite confident will be fine after the initial anxiety. So all of that was basically to say that it's fine as long as the person is familiar and does as you do.

AP is supposed to be in a 'tribe' context - nothing says a child needs to be attached solely to you.

OP I fell into the AP approach too, as my ds would not be put down during the day. If he wasn't asleep he'd scream blue murder and escalate; if he was asleep he'd wake. He also had colic - screamed 2-3hrs every night for 3 months - and during that time it seemed to me that he did better with me than dh, who was at any rate, studying in his evenings and so not as able to give his attention to screaming baby. Result was that I ended up doing it all, apart from some evening/weekend naps when dh could wear the sling.

I worried, like you, about ds being dependent solely on me and this was highlighted when I took one afternoon's work a week - for 12 weeks I'd come home to distraught dh and screaming ds (except one time he screamed himself to sleep). I couldn't see a way round it, short of concocting a false and no doubt expensive 'reason' for me to be away and let them scream it out. We just couldn't bring ourselves to do it.

Ds is 4.7 now and it is still an issue - I still have to settle him (dh does dd) and comfort him and he is only just starting to really be interested in dh. It has enormously cramped our style at nap and bedtimes, hurts, nightmares, tantrums. 99% of it's down to me. Meanwhile, dh's feelings have been hurt 100s of times as he goes to comfort ds who rejects him.

I would love to say that if I could have my time over I would try harder to shift some of the responsibility onto dh (we didn't have anyone else) but honestly, at the time, it really seemed the only possible option. In your shoes I would have a hard think about whether you could share care around more. If you think your dd would eventually settle happily with someone else, after initial anxiety, then you could try to do that - it can only be easier for you all in the long run. However, it might just be something you feel is too difficult to try, and that doesn't mean she'll be the same as my ds 4 years later! You just have to play it by ear, look for those opportunities to ease up at a pace that suits you all.

Realise it's rambly but still hth :)

Ok sounding stupid here. What's AP!

I completely get what you are saying and we are in a similar position too. DD, now 15 months, is fed to sleep, we co-sleep and I sling her daily (although she does nap in the buggy, which is great!!). I have never left her over night with anyone. She wakes up once or twice in the evening after going to bed, and I usually feed her back to sleep and she will settle. Sometimes DH can pat her pack to sleep without causing her any distress, so when on the rare occassion I have been out in the evening, DH has managed to get her back to sleep. But it is difficult to leave her with anyone else, so that both me and DH can go out together.
We did leave her with my in-laws for 2hours in the evening a couple fo weeks ago for the first time. And unfortunately it was bonfire night and DD kept waking up. But she wasn't unhappy really and FIL had walked her around the neighbourhood in the pram twice to get her back to sleep.

OP, as your LO gets older it will be easier and she will probably settle for other people more easily.

Personally, I wouldn't change your parenting and cause distress to your daughter now to prevent a bit if distress at some notional future point that you might have to leave her.
I agree with this.

Attachment Parenting

AP - attachment parenting.

I think, for many reasons, that it is a Good Thing for a child/baby to be able to feel secure with more than just one person. That doesn't mean that what you have done so far is wrong, just that it can enrich your life and hers if she is happy spending time and being settled by someone else.

Sorry to be dense. Thanks for the replies!
My DD settled only on me but did grow out of it. Could you snuggle her in a blanket and leave it behind if you are not there. It would provide your scent. Apologies if anyone suggested similar.
Hope you feel better soon.